He has left. Please, some support?

[namechangersad]

I thought I would be devastated but I feel strangely detached (at the moment, though tears not far off). This has been coming for a while but I always thought he would relent and agree to counselling or something before crisis point, but he has continued to refuse.

Our ability to communicate has deteriorated and deteriorated. I think he is a verbal/emotional abuser (well I know he is) but his ability to turn everything back on me and his capacity for transference is scary. That said, I am no angel and I have a "capacity for stress creation", as he says. I understand that he is saying this to hurt me, but he also has a point. I employed a friend for a little while ago and he left because I was too difficult to work with (I think). Again, this is being used to hurt me, but I know it also to be true (I'm pretty sure), so my feelings of self loathing and self hatred are flying quite high.

I have been married one before. I do feel like a failure for having a second one not work out. This time there is a child involved which makes it ten times worse.I have really tried these last few weeks to be what he wanted and to be better and not create stress but it hasn't been enough. No matter what I do it never seems right or enough. He flipped tonight after I started recording one of his rants. He accused me of bullying and dominating him.

I am so sad. I still love him. Ijust want him not to be the angry man he has become, but he seems to hate me so much, and I know he has a point. I think in life I am one of those people who seems nice at first but then is just a bit irritating. I can be a drama queen. I seem to feel things very strongly and I can't help but show my emotions. I get frustrated easily and find it difficult not to let my feelings out.

I just wish we could have found a way. I didn't think I was so bad I was unliveable with, but clearly I am. Letters from my previous husband would suggest he had the same problems with me. I find it difficult to believe I just attracted the same kind of man twice and thereisn't something wrong with me, especially when I was so wary about remarriage and sought out so many people's opinions first because I didn't trust my own judgement. I hate myself. Sorry that sounds like I just want people to come and blow smoke up my arse. Please don't, I just feel, I don't know.... like I just bring unhappiness and unreliability to the world. I never get round to sending christmas cards or thank you cards. I'm horribly unpunctual and totally unreliable. I work hard and I can be really good at my job, and yet I always seems to be sending emails apologising for not doing something I was supposed to. I am a stresshead. And now I am going to be a single parent, and be stuck in this city hundreds of miles from my family because i don't want to take my child away from her father. fuck fuck fuck.

Oh, I'm so sorry that things haven't worked out, but I'm also relieved for you that you're away from an abusive man. You don't need to be with an angry man who seems to hate you, far better to be alone for a while and figure yourself out. It's bound to feel horrible at the moment, and you'll go through so many stages before you get back on an even keel.

Try not to blame yourself, it's important to consider your part in the breakdown, but that can be done at a later date, and I'd advise seeing a counsellor to talk it through. If he's an emotional abuser he will be telling you that it's all your fault = try not to fall into the trap.

Don't rule out a move if it's what you need to keep your sanity. You will need some support.

I know it is hard when a relationship breaks down but focus on this;

He is clearly an emotional abuser and he has destroyed your self- esteem so that you now think that you ''bring unhappiness and unreliability to the world.''

Please don't believe it. The only person who brings happiness and unreliability is your twatty ex.

Don't take him back for your own sake. Can you get benefits/support somehow?

The fact that you are hundreds of miles away from your family rings alarm bells as abusers like to isolate their partners from their families. Is there no way you can move back to be near them?

Hope you feel better soon.

unhappines sorry

thanks both.

I am not sure what benefits I might be eligible for if I say we are separated. Big mortgage is main problem. I was already
away from my family when we met, but he has gradually alienated them due to his behaviour of them as well as to me.

Classic abusive behaviour then?

Don't feel embarrassed about going to them now for support. I bet they're just relieved that you're away from him.

This is all so sad to read. I definitely think you should stay strong and not give in. I am lucky that although I am a single mum to a toddler, I managed to stay through shere determination to stay on good terms with my ex so that he see's his daughter frequently. It's hard work at times as he too was an angry, emotionless, shouty man and I'm pretty annoyed with the way he behaved but he is an excellent father. Perhaps you need to see how your ex behaves as a dad and if he's no good move towards your family and if he's great then spend your time off rebuilding your life and self esteem. Come on! Time to be strong!

Sweetie, you're beating yourself up because you don't get round to writing Xmas cards? This is not a reasonable basis for self-loathing. Really.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but he sounds horrible and you'll be better off without him. It'll be easier alone than with someone who acts like he hates you, honestly.