just need to talk really....

[Frenchgranny]

I'm new on Mumsnet and as you can guess no longer young and a grandma...anyway, have been married for 30 years, with our ups and downs, and lately I just cannot get rid of the feeling that DH is going to leave me or is having an affair.

I know that if I'm reasonable about this I would say that I'm beeing silly, but I just cannot get rid of this feeling. This makes me feel old and ugly and stupid.

I am doing therapy at the moment (last 6 months) and this helps, but I wonder if any of you have ever felt like this and how you managed to get yourselves back on your feet and back to normal again.

Don't really know who to talk to in RL. A bit afraid that I'll be laughed at. He's no longer young either (bald and over weight), but I just can't get my life back, I seem to be thinking of this ALL day and worrying and thinking of all sorts of things that he's up to. But when I am really honest with myself and think straight I know that he's at work/at home and that's all.

If he was more of a cuddly sort of man (giving them I mean) I'm sure I'd feel better, but he's not and he won't change now. Oh tell me to grow up or something!!
Thank you for reading me out though. Needed to get this off my chest.

Hello,

I'm sorry you're feeling like this, I have times when I feel insecure and it's horrible.

Is feeling like this making you feel old and ugly and stupid - or is feeling old and ugly and stupid making you feel like this? i.e. do you think it's more about your perception of yourself that's making you think your dh would want to leave you?

Have you tried talking about it with your dh? It's hard sometimes - if I'm feeling needy and insecure, I'm aware that that's unattractive in itself. But sometimes carrying worries around like that in your head makes them seem much worse than they really are.

How would he react if you just said to him "I can't shake this feeling you're going to do a runner because I feel like an old bag these days!". Maybe worth getting it out there - even if you say it lightly to start off with - just to see how he responds.

Or is there really any reason your fears could be valid? Is it just a feeling you can't shake or have there been any odd things that got you thinking?

sometimes its youre own in securities that make u feel this way. when i feel overweight and ugly i begin to think eh doesnt want me anymore and i get myself all depressed when there doesnt be anything like that in his mind, but after talking to my sisters i usually feel better and realise that it was me. i was once told to stop evolving all my life and emotions around my hubby, but to make my own life and get out and about,

Do you have any specific reasons to think this? Or is it more how you feel about yourself?
Hope this doesn't sound rude, but do you think you could be a bit hormonal? Or depressed? Have you spoken to your GP? Did they refer you for therapy?

Thank you so much for your replies, feel much better to even know that someone can understand how I feel. My insecurities are my own problem and this is why I am following a therapy. My main problems is, I suppose, the fact that my OH himself is a health professional (and one of my DDs) and he hates it when I talk about my personal insecurities and refers me to my therapist. So, now, I just keep my dark thoughts to myself (well I do share with a few friends and of course my therapist). I make myself feel ugly, etc....

What doesn't help, I think, is that my OH is not very demonstrative (or should I say, not at all). I have talked about this with him and his reply is: well after so many years, why should you expect me to be different now?

I think that deep down, my problem is : a) hormonal, b) depression that rears its ugly head from time to time and c) just need a cuddle from time to time and know that I not going to get it....

Intimacy is getting rarer as we get older but tends to perk up during holidays (which are regular) so can't really complain, but then again I would definitely prefer more of it .

OH is a terrible flirt, even at his age (mind you I suppose that I am too, from time to time) and I think that as he doesn't have any insecurities (that I know of) this also makes me feel, how can I say, in doubt.

I don't think that I have any valid reasons to think that he would do a runner, I think that he would prefer to have a piece of cake (eventually) but not to risk losing his peace of mind and living, plus all the hassle a separation would cause.

I am very close to our children and grand children and I think that he would be, even gently, pushed aside, if you see what I mean.

Anyway, being able to type all this out has helped me put my thoughts straight and I will defintely have a good session with my therapist.

Thank you all for your comments. Getting older is not always easy. Losing your "force de séduction" is very depressing but being a mutton dressed as lamb, even worse.

Forgot to say that I still work full time, so am not at home all day being a pain in the bum.

Have been lurking for quite some time and needed ages to pluck up and post.

Thank you again

Confidence, that is the word I have been looking for. I need to regain my confidence in myself. Well, it took me all that writing to put my finger on it. Thank you again.
Will continue lurking

Hi, well done for plucking up the courage to post - I did the same yesterday and feel so much better for getting it out as well.

It's funny but lack of cuddles is what gets to me more than lack of sex - physical affection is so important. I think men just don't get it. Idiots.

Thank you MM for your message. Yes, I agree with you, I personally think that men are very often from another planet. He really does not understand why I should worry...his reply is: but I'm still with you, if I didn't love you I would be out....
Yes, thank you dear, but sometimes a bit of a compliment or cuddle would be highly appreciated, even more than a hot night...
(and less tiring )