Problems with my mother

[whattodowhattodo]

I would like to state first, 1. I have name-changed, for privacy. Regular lurker on MN (moldies, biscuitgate etc. etc.)

1. I really do love my mother, but she does my head in.

We've always head a rather tempestuous relationship; a lot of the time we get on quite well, talk a lot, but I don't tell her everything, as she is VERY disapproving of certain things (e.g. has a complete freak out if any family member touches alcohol), so there are many aspects of my life I don't discuss with her, for some peace. I have always felt that I'm not the daughter she wanted. She always told me that I should be modest, quiet, well-behaved. She wants a daughter who lives at home with her parents until married, maybe going and studying but then becoming a teacher, only moving out when she gets married, and then producing lots of grandkids, living down the road from her. Thing is, this is completely not me. I moved out, to the other side of the country, to go and study. She told me recently that she didn't approve of the subjects I chose (as if it was her decision, particularly as she knows nothing of the modern work place) and she wanted me to stay at home and go to the (not nearly as good, didn't do my subjects) local university.

I'm going through a very difficult time at the moment, work wise, financially, relationship with DP. I can't sleep, am very stressed and generally completely strung out. She knows this. There have been a couple of calls where I was just sobbing down the phone at her. So, last night I phoned her to discuss something, and she wanted to talk about the issues I have with DP. I wasn't too keen, but tried to explain why it's so difficult at the moment, and she just didn't listen. I started trying to explain, and she talked over me and started warbling on for about 10 minutes about something else, vaguely related, but not really related at all. I then said to her again "just listen to me. I'm trying to explain" and she started again, babbling on about some other crap. She does this all the time. She never, ever listens to what I say. If she doesn't like it, she changes the topic. She then decided that this was a good time to lay into me - why do I make her life so difficult, dragged up an issue from 10 years ago that I thought was settled, why am I so miserable, why do I complain and so on and so on. I kept on trying to end the call (it was nearing midnight by now) telling her that I was exhausted, and wanted to sleep, but she kept on going. Eventually it finished, and she said she wants to talk again today. I can't face it. I couldn't sleep again last night; another night in weeks without sleep.

At the moment, I just don't feel up to getting into a long winded discussion with my mother about our relationship, partciularly knowing that she will completely ignore everything I say. There's things I've asked her not to talk to me about, as it's difficult or upsetting, but she ignores it.

Maybe I'm being delusional, expecting my mother to be able to love me for who I am, for being able to listen to me, and to not stress me out even more when I'm going through such a difficult time. When I kept on asking her to just let me finish and listen, she kept on saying "you should tell me when you're talking". I would think that much would be self evident? There's other stuff as well; I'm expected to make many sacrifices, do things for the family, but they do very little, if anything, for me in return.

I don't know what to do now. I know, from bitter experience, that she doesn't listen to me; she doesn't believe that my problems are valid.

Sorry it's so long. Good work if you've made it this far.

you know she isn't on yur wavelenght, in fact, by the sound of it, she inhabits a different universe to you, so why in God's name do you tell her your problems? especially with your DP?

I know, I know, she's your mum, and if you can't talk to her who can you talk to and all that but it doesn't help does it? If you sob down the phone to someone who will ALWAYS view you as their baby no matter how old you are, you are asking to be treated like a ninny.

Find someone else to talk to - a counsellor, a best mate, anyone but your mum!

My mother lives in a very different world to me and I would never ever dream of telling her anything personal or especially any problems with my DP. I'd never hear the end of it, she would drive me mad with her opinions.

Agree with mrsboogie

There are lots of things I haven´t told my mum-only my husband.

And anything to do with husband?
Family are the last people I would tell.

It's really hard - I used to always tell my mum everything and then get upset when her response wasn't the one I wanted. When my counsellor said to me 'you know, your mum isn't always the right person to tell' I was quite shocked that I hadn't thought of that myself. I still find it hard because I WANT to tell her everything but I've grown closer to my aunt recently and she and I can have a laugh and a bitch about my mum and she's kind and understanding when I talk about my problems.

Actually, I think I agree with you guys.

I do tell my Mom a lot of things; her and DP re the people I talk to the most. The DP stuff came up because I didn't go to a family event and wanted to explain some background as to why.

She does have a very strong hold over my life; the happiest time EVER was when I was living far away from the rest of my family, didn't feel obliged to do things all the time. DP and I are actually talking at the moment about moving away, and to be honest, I think it would be the best thing. (I would still feel incredibly guilty though).

I have a cousin I used to talk through a lot of issues with (and obviously, as she's closer in age, has more similar life style and experiences), but sadly she lives far away. She also totally got how crazy my mother is.

Your mum clearly isn't supportive of you (much as you obviously wish things were otherwise). So, the only thing you can do to protect yourself from this sort of thing happening is to stop looking to her for support. She is either not willing or not capable of giving that to you. So, you need to find someone else who can or will (MN isn't half bad for this...).

I could be completely wrong here, but is your mum lonely? If you are one of her main sources of conversation, it's no wonder she wants to keep you on the phone. I have an elderly relative who will just talk and talk whenever someone is there, because they don't have anyone to talk to for most of the time (all due to them having alienated all of their friends and most of the family over the years, but that's a separate issue). If this is the case, you could try encouraging her to go out, join things etc - meeting new people might mean she is less reliant on you for someone to talk to.

If you don't want to call your Mum tonight, just don't do it. Wait till you feel like talking to her.

Like many adult children who have been trapped by their parents failing to parent them, you are surrounded by the FOG. This is fear, obligation, guilt. She is not listening to you at all, such people never listen or apologise for their actions. They honestly do not think they've done anything wrong.

I reckon too you actually get on better with her only at times when you agree with her, its all on her terms you see. Woe betide you if you were to disagree with her.

I don't for what its worth think your mother is doing this because she is lonely.
Do you think she is controlling of you, has she tried to influence your past decisions unduly?

You may actually want to look at the most recent Stately Homes thread as many of the women on there also have difficult relationships with Mother or both parents.

You may want to read "When you and your Mother cannot be friends".

I never treated my mum as a repository for my emotional traumas. I think some people are more into downloading their emotional stuff onto other people than others. I think parents are generally rubbish at giving you objective advice on your problems. They get too involved in it themselves.
I'd stick to just talking to your mum about day to day events and save the emotional stuff for close friends or husband.
If you've had enough of a phoen call just tell her you have to go to the toilet/cook dinner or something. It takes 2 people to keep a long emotional phone call going.

To be fair to your mother of course, it is very difficult to listen to someone's personal problems and then refrain from having an opinion and voicing that opinion when you can oh so clearly see what they should be doing/where they are going wrong. Whereas a friend may be able to listen and keep her own counsel a mother will rarely have the compunction to do so.

Having a physical distance is a good idea - I moved across the sea to ensure my life was no -one's business but my own. At the same time,I accept that I can never ask my parents for anything or cry on their shoulder about anything, but that is no hardship to me.

You have no need to feel guilty about moving away - you can always be avaiable by phone or email and growing up, becoming independant and moving away are normal.

She was VERY controlling, and still tries to be. Last time I saw her, we had a massive argument and I pointed out to her that I was an adult, not a child. She couldn't make life decisions for me. She really struggles with that. The other thing I feel betrayed by (and DP was quite shocked when he found out) was that she never takes my side or defends me. I was bullied a lot at school; she has yet to acknowledge that this has happened. Whenver I discuss it with her, she always says "oh, it wasn't that bad" or she takes the side of the children who bullied me. Same with work issues. She takes the side of complete strangers against me, and it's devastating.

Yes Attilla- we do get on when it's on her terms.

She has my Dad to natter away to, and works, so it's not that she's lonely. I think she just goes off into this stream of consciousnes thing, and doesn't shut up

If she never takes your side then why do you still allow that to upset you? It sounds as though that's part of her personality and isn't going to change in which case you need to stop taking it personally and being "devastated" and realise her reactions aren't really about you and just due to the way she is.
On the one hand you describe a woman who isn't really there for you emotionally, but on the other you seem to keep expecting her to change into the mum you want her to be who will listen to your problems and help you sort your life out.
I'd just accept her for the person she is, keep phone calls short and phone her less often and don't discuss the personal stuff.
She's not that sort of mother, you can't change her.
Alot of people's parents aren't the way they'd like them to be. You have to accept the parents you have (who are largely the way they are because of how they were parented) and find other people to do the emotional supportive stuff if necessary, or see a therapist if you seem tobe needing alot of supportive stuff as supporting someone else gets very draining.

Hi whattodowhattodo. Sorry if this sounds harsh, because I'm on your side here, I promise! - but ...

• Don't expect your mother to be there for you
• Don't expect her to change

Many of us have felt unmothered, and the only way to bring that into our lives is to start mothering ourselves, and to let go of the fantasy that our mothers will be anything other than what they already are.

Keep up the fantasy, and you will be disempowered and terminally disappointed.

Crap, I know; but that tends to be the truth. And once you've accepted that, you can pick yourself up and get on with your life on your own terms, free from your expectations of her, and her expectations of you.

whattodo

Would also suggest you read "If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuharth. It may help you.

You have become her scapegoat and she will not change.

The "oh it was not so bad" coment is often trotted out by such toxic people. Also the constant denial of events that did happen is also a classic response trotted out.

BTW I would not let your Dad off the hook either as he has also played a part here in not protecting you enough from her. He likely played the "bystander" role in this dysfunctional family unit for his own self preservation and want of a quiet life.

Ten Signs Your Parents May Still Control You

Even today as an adult, you...

1. Feel disloyal when acting or feeling differently than your parents

1. Feel easily annoyed or impatient with your parents without knowing why

1. Feel confused by parental mixed messages

1. Are afraid to express your true feelings around your parents

1. Feel intimidated or belittled by your parents

1. Worry more about pleasing your parents than being yourself

1. Find it hard to emotionally separate from your parents

1. Talk to your parents more out of obligation than choice

1. Get tense when you think about being around your parents

10. Want to temporarily reduce or sever contact with a parent

It wasn't until I made some spectacular fuck-ups in my life that I gained some insight into my mother's ability to do similarly. I handled things differently (and I hope a deal better) with my dcs but I do recall telling ds1 that being a parent and a so-called grown-up didn't mean I was immune from making bad decisions.

I have never expected my mother to carry my emotional baggage and neither do I want to constantly revisit any of her parental shortcomings. It is a genuine waste of your own life to clutter your head with things that cannot be undone.

I'd be genuinely horrified if I felt that I had to share deep emotional stuff with my mother. She doesn't want to hear it and I don't want to hear her desperate attempts to divert things into more comfortable areas!

So please, don't sob down the phone at your mother. Find someone who can offer some useful help and support right now.

Huh. Those ten points sound rather familiar, especially the calling one. I have to phone her regularly, or I get an earful (she only calls if I haven't). There was one time when I didn't call for about three days, and got about 5 answerphone messages going on and on about "why haven't you called? Where are you". Crap - she's still trying to control my life through the phone.

As for my Dad, he wasn't physically present for a lot of my childhood (he was working in a different city), so don't know whether or not he was aware of things going on. He was only around 4 days a month. But yes, even now he just stands by and ignores things; he doesn't like getting involved.

Will definitely take on board everyone has said. I'm glad I came to MN .

Another thing was when I was growing up (particularly when my Dad wasn't living with us), a lot of the time I did take on the mothering role. My mother and sibling used to get into blazing rows (to the extent where the police were nearly called, many times) and I was the one who supported her, comforted her and tried to be there for her during that difficult time. I suppose on some level I was acting as I would like her to act now.

One thing that really got me was when someone said that your children are not yours, they are not your property. You just make sure they are looked after and grow into adults. That really got me, as I was always raised as a possession.