anyone else estranged from inlaws and feel like they are missing out

[allthreerolledintoone]

...on that part of a relationship. Dh and mil feel out and havent had contact in years as a result we hardly have contact with the rest of the family. Mil was very toxic and controlling-she still is but not to the extent she was with dh.It almost feels like there is a rivalry between dh siblings too like dh loss is their gain. Dh was always the favourite but as a result mil put alot of pressure on him. Their relationship broke down as soon as he became interested in girls.And she caused alot of problems between us. I know its worse for dh but sometimes i feel like what have i married into!

When the dc's have their birthday or xmas or theres a family gathering i feel very sad that we are not apart of it or that my children are remembered.

are not remembered i mean. Id give anything to have one big happy family. I can't belive a mother could isolate or allow one of her children and his family to be isolated from the rest of the family.

are you mad? it sounds like you're well rid! she'd only be making your lives a misery if you were in contact - it is not worth it for the sake of a few parties and presents!

Heading that way, but with a SIL not a MIL.

Bear in mind you probably aren't missing out, because there is almost certainly no prospect of the kind of 'one big happy family' you're imagining. I know I'm not missing out, although I do feel sad and wish things (ok, SIL) could be different.

I'm sure you wouldn't, but please do not give any inkling you wonder what you've married into: it is already really hurtful and embarrassing to have to admit to family estrangements.

In my experience, the horrible favouritism and playing one child off another patterns of dysfunctional families can be even worse with grandchildren than children. Would you like to re-establish contact then see your DC being snubbed, hurt, used, manipulated, turned against you etc?

Not to mention, that even the good things are all for show with no real emotion behind them. Run, far far away.

I feel like that too...its my sil and mil... they treat my dh ( who used to be the favourite until he was 17 and decided to get a job rather than go to Uni )
then he married me ( from a shock horror single parent family !!) since then its been downhill all the way ..
there was a family party at the weekend.. we and dcs were not invited...
the joke of it is that she thinks its all down to dh being too difficult.... dh is the easiest going guy on the planet..

no advice really..just - I hear you ..x

Thanks for the replies. Its not that i miss them or want them back into our lives i just miss having inlaws iykwim. Sil s pregnant and mil is running around as if its her first gd when its not i cannot help but feel hurt. Its not the material things but the relationship my children will miss out on.

See what you mean. My last post was a bit dogmatic, sorry. If you mean there is a sense of loss, I have that too and it's really sad.

No worries elidrithcleaver, i guess they must feel it too do you think?

We have had no contact with dhs family since I ds was a few weeks old (he's 7 now). They sound like your inlaws O. Mil was controlling to the extreme, and dhs three brothers and their wives/fiances were just as bad. They hated me (I am not as upper class or well educated as them and don't have a career) and they were vile when I was pregnant, vile when ds was born very ill and ruined our wedding.

I have no family, apart from my father and two half sisters who I am not close to at all and sometimes feel like ds is missing out on family. My mu dies when I was a child so it would have been nice to have had a MIL. But then I remember the way they treated me, the terrible things they said about ds when I was pregnant with him and the way they made dh behave so horribly to me and I realize we are well shot.

I do, but only the fantasy idea of a happy family. The reality would be different of course - there are reasons why dh is estranged from his parents and brother.

I get angry for ds as he has a set of grandparents who have never seen him and I worry that in the future ds might blame his dad for this somehow.

Ds being born has meant that dh has got back in contact with his extended family though. We see his aunts and uncles, cousins and his gran fairly regularly and they remember ds at birthdays & christmas so at least he's got some of that side of the family in his life.

Strange things I miss. I don't get the stories about dh when he was a little boy, well a little from other family. I don't know little things like what dh weighed when he was born, what childhood illnesses he had (he says he can't remember), when he first walked/talked. Stuff like that.

Then there's wider family stuff. There's going to be a wedding this summer and it'll either be mil/fil or us who are invited. I suspect we'll not be because that will cause less trouble (we'll not take offence) but again, I'm sad for ds missing that and I'd like to see dh's cousin married.

Dh's gran is very old and dh won't be able to go to her funeral (again, not wanting to cause trouble). I think he'll find that very hard. I also worry about the mental fall-out for him when his parents die and it's too late.

But mostly I just like that we don't have to do the year about thing for Christmas.

We too are estranged from DH's parents and yes in a strange sort of way I do feel like we are missing out as are they but in reality they are vile people who, the way they act, don't deserve to have us in their family.

They could've had so much but have nothing now (DH is an only child) and only have themselves to blame.

OP I too sometimes think to myself 'what the hell have I married into'.

Do they feel the loss, allthree?

I suspect many feel embarrassed (saving face and keeping up the appearance of a happy family are more important to some than actually having one) and thwarted and angry, but I wonder how much you can feel the lack of something you don't understand or appreciate to start with?

Eldritch am agreeing with your wise posts.

In our case we are not estranged, but mil basically ignores us apart from on special occasions (her special occasions, such as her birthday, not the grandchildren's)

We are expected to know by telepathy or somesuch what she would like us to do for Mother's Day/her birthday etc. When her unspoken demands are not met she resorts to phone slamming and mega sulking and claiming that dh is "abrupt" to her.

She really wants the image of a big happy family, but not the reality. We didn't see them at all over Christmas (her choice indirectly by a mega tantrum - her not the dcs, and a refusal to talk about it unless we did what she wanted)

The children are Not Welcome in her home. Verbally she says they are, but we have had many incidents including fil flying into an aggressive rage when dcs spilt a few drops of water on a table. I had firm words and told him not to rant at the dcs and we left. Also they insisted on having a fire on when the dcs visited (house is also fully centrally heated so completely unnecessary). dd1 and her cousin had a very narrow miss of being badly burnt. They weren't messing around particularly, just slipped towards the fire, thankfully my dh pulled his niece away just in time.

I'd tell you my story but it would be too long

Let just say that when DP and I get married, there will be no members of his family there and all i have to say is that it's not our loss it's theirs, they are the ones missing out on seeing DP on one of the happiest days of his life and they are missing out on seeing our 4DC growing up.

i feel the same,my family have had lifelong issues we all had to ignore and paper over cracks til an event 3years ago ended all my contact,my 2 older children have some contact,but my 2 younger children dont even realise they have a set of grandparents they can see as they swing happily on their garden swings,the grandparents live on the next street.my husbands family is a very large one and very very complex with alot of toxic behaviours in alot of the family,again the grandmother has had to be stopped contact with our younger 2 because of safety issues over 2 years ago now. i look at my children and wonder what the hell they have done to deserve this,and it is the family gatherings or should i say lack of,that really gets you down and if i could i would wave that magic wand and make everything all good. we surround ourselves with positive people,longterm friends and fill our lives as a family together as best we can, and hopefully we can stop the bitter circle and have a positive future as all our children grow into adults

I haven't posted here before, but wanted to say that this could have been written by me!!

I have been married to dh for 15 years and we have four beautiful children. We have sadly been estranged from his parents for 10 out of those 15 years (beginning on our wedding day). dh and I tried for many years to build bridges and fix the problems. At what cost though?

My MiL is a very, very unpleasant woman. My husband has a sister and three brothers and my MiL is estranged from two of his other brothers as well. She HAS to control and if she cannot control then she sets out to destroy (deeply painful being on the receiving end). My MiL celebrates divorce as it allows her access to her gc, without their mothers. I know she is waiting, hoping and praying for me and dh to divorce.

Yes, I sometimes feel as if I miss out on the big family thing. In reality it is just dh, me and our children. We have built our own tight family unit. The 'big family', for us brings tears and upset for all and is a pipe dream. Those who have it are very lucky. My MiL is incapable of just being part of a big happy family. Due to her own insecurities and controlling nature she tries to destroy all that is good. dh and I are working hard not to make the same mistakes that she has made.

You are well shot.