Please help me to get some perspective on this....

[ChocDee]

Flipping family politics - and once again I am stuck in the middle.

We have got a rather awkward family dynamic in that my father divorced my mother very very early on and we (my sister and I) grew up in a different country only seeing him for 2 or three weeks a year with phonecalls at x-mas and birthdays.

We both had very unsatisfactory childhoods to put it mildly and when we were teenagers we both moved to the UK independantly to e3achother; and we have very little contact with our mother who remains in her home country.

I moved in with my father and his new family when I was 16 - was supposed to be with them for a 2 week holiday; ended up staying - best decision in my life!!

I am and was so very, very greatful for them to offer me a home together with my half brother and sister. So greatful, it really changed my life.

I tried and tried to fit in and be as little bother as possible and it worked. Yes, it was hard to always feel so fucking greatful and indebted all the time; but it was hard for my parents as well to suddenly incorporate a teenager in their happy home.

I went away to university and had an episode and went to councelling for two years dealing with my childhood and eventually the relationship that I had with my English parents. It was enormously beneficial and the best thing that I ever did; I learnt such a lot and gained a lot of strength from it. I never moved back near my parents again. It was just easier to remove myself from the glaring differentiation between me and my step siblings.

My philosophy very much became "I do not expect or ask ANYTHING from them, so anything that I do get is a total bonus". This worked extremely well actually and my relationship with them is good if I keep up the happy glossing over.

Now, my sister's experience is totally different. She was never invited to come and live with them. She can be difficult - always has been; was a horrendous teenager and my stepmother does NOT like her. yada, yada, yada.... "I married your father - NOT his children" etc. She has been continually rejected by them through the years and she suffered a lot more during our childhood due to abuse than me. See, I have always been a head down 'how can I make you love me?' kind of person compared to her reacting with kicking screaming and prickliness -or 'histrionics' as my parents put it.

This has been going on throughout the years with me constantly playing mediator between the two parties and feeling such relief that they at least loved me eventhough it was far from unconditional like my step sibling's position in the family.

Eventually I left the country with an enormous sense of relief that I would no longer have to be the mediator and get involved tiptoeing around ad nauseum or to be close enough to see how differently I was treated compared to the biological siblings.

Now I live closer (still not the same country) but I keep my distance because I am just so fed up with it.

But now comes the real purpose of this essay...

I recently had a call from my parents telling me that they had unexpectantly been offered the use of a skiing chalet for a cheap price and would I like to join them for a week together with my two step siblings and baby nephew as well as a friend of my step sisters. WOW! Great! I have been invited on a family holiday at last! I am loved! I belong! I count!!! Throughout my child hood and to the present date they always went on expensive yearly holidays and me and my sister were never invited of course. Such is life - but a great feeling to be asked.

I have never been skiing, so after some consideration I accepted and was looking forward to all the fun and games we would have. We really have a great time together with lots of games and shouting.

I asked whether they had told my sister... "Oh, we had not even thought of that! I guess we should.." Now, this trip is during term time, my sister works in a school and her son is obviously at school as well. And there is no way she would be able to go due to that but also because of the cost of it.

Now that is the rational argument for it. But my sister is absolutely devastated. Once again she is being rejected from the family unit - as she says: if only they would have asked, she would have had to say no, but to be asked would have meant the world to her. I agree.

I spoke to my father about it, and tried to explain how she must be feeling. For once pulling him up on a few things. Gently, firmly and logically. (Being the mediator AGAIN!)

I then spoke to me sister for over an hour. She was in floods of tears. Wants to cut them out of her life, I am better off dead etc etc etc.

I feel absolutely terrible that I am a part of this hurt that she is suffering. Truly awful. I KNEW this would happen, but I still said yes, thrilled that I was invited to the family occasion.

Now I am thinking that perhaps I should just call my parents and tell them that I no longer want to go. I do not want to feel like a conspirator in this. I do not want to be a part of hurting someone this badly. I do not want to give them the signal that this is actually OK despite of the logistics of it.

Also, my sister told me that actually this is not a spur of the moment holiday thing. My step sister mentioned the trip at Christmas and the only reason that they invited me is because one of her friends just pulled out so me going will keep the cost down. Such is life, fair enough - but it hurts a little bit for me too. But I can deal with that fine, just a few self indulgent tears have been shed.

So what should I do? Not go? Go, have a wonderful time whilst feeling guilty about my sister, a little bit resentful for myself and keep on glossing?

I really do not want to cause a big family rift drama. It is what it is; but I do not want to be a part of it. Also worried that if I pull out they will blame my sister...

AAAAAAAAAAARGH!

So sorry that this is soooo long, thank you for reading if you have got this far!

Hi ChocDee, I am sorry that you are faced with such a tricky decision - however, I think that you should not go on this holiday.

Firstly, because it was not their intention to invite you initially (you were Plan B to them).

Secondly, because you are closer to your natural sister, than even to your own father - it will mean the world to her if you support her by not going.

Put it this way, whenever you feel sad, who do you call? Your dad? Your stepmother? Your step siblings? No, I think you call your sister, don't you.

If ever something wonderful happens to you - who is the first person you want to call to share the good news? Again, I think it is your sister.

You sound like a wonderful, kind, compassionate and caring person - you deserve to be treated in the same way. Do not allow anyone (not even your dad) to make you feel like you are not worthy of FIRSTHAND attention and unconditional love.

If you are worried that your decision to not go is going to cause trouble between you and your dad's family, then lie.

Tell them that you have volunteered for some Charity and that you are on duty at that time or tell him that you are having 'woman problems' (believe me, your dad will not want you to elaborate on that!) and that the only appointment you could get is during the time of their planned holiday - tell them anything - this way you will not cause a stir and your sister will be reassured of your support. You can tell her what you told them.

Good luck.

Thank you so much for your reply Nina!

You are very kind.

I took the bull by the horns and told my parents that I did not want to be a part of this. They understood, though my mum (step mother) still does not understand why this has caused such a ruckus. But that is the way they are I'm afraid. She is a very headstrong woman and she rules the roost with an iron fist. She can be incredibly insensitive at times.

But, strangely enough, up intil the last couple of years or so they were the ones I would turn to and talk to about stuff. And she has been very supportive to me when I discuss issues in my life that do not concern her.

I told my sister and she was dissappointed that I was not to go because of her but I stressed to her my reasons why, and I hope that it will give her some comfort. I have only got closer to her in the last year since she came to stay with me for a week. With me living so far away we only have been meeting at my parents as of late - and she is so tense then she becomes annoying and loud.

I am really pleased that we are now beginning to build a closer relationship. I will work on that.

Thank you once again for your lovely reply - though you have given me far too much credit. I have a horrible feeling that I have opted out and been somewhat complicit through the years. Should have been braver and spoken up more strongly - then I may have been able to save some hurt.

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option

You know what, your Dad needs a metaphorical kick up the backside for treating you and your sister the way he has done. You are NOT second best and never let anyone treat you as if you are because then you become complicit in their treatment of you.

Well done for sticking up for your sister and not letting your 'parents' isolate and exclude her further.

I like that Shongololo!

I guess that is the way I have been dealing with it for the last few years - but nice to see it spelled out like that.

i am feeling a lot calmer today and I will speak to my sister tonight and tell her that this REALLY is not worth breaking contact over. There was some rationality in what happened though it opened up an emotional can of worms.

It does not help that she is having some problems in her relationship at the moment. Too much alcohol and non communication. Thinking that I may pop over and see her soon to give support.

I think you made the right decision - and you sound amazingly well adjusted - your father and step mother don't know how lucky they are

No advice to add to the good stuff up there - just wanted to say ChocDee you sound like a lovely person and I am sorry that your family don't always give you the same thought / consideration that you give them.

I think your best family is your sister. I would book a holiday with her in the school break and dump the thoughtless people who hurt her.

I think your father is a disgrace, quite frankly.

When leaving a marriage you leave your spouse, not your children. His neglect during your childhood years followed by him being complicit in relegating you to 'second best' and your poor sister to heaven knows where, is totally and utterly unacceptable.

Perhaps he needs to be told this. Your sister sound pretty messed up and bitter and who can blame her? Your step-mother and father have no right to suggest she is being over dramatic. Her behaviour is a direct consequence of theirs. Simple. They need to understand this.

Gosh, you are all so lovely!! Thank you so very much for the words of encouragement! It is always nice to hear.

My parents will never see the other side of the story I'm afraid. Mediated for another hour last night. It is astonishing to hear all their reasons why and therefores as well as 'oh well, it is too late to do anything now' etc etc.

It is true what they say - what does not kill you makes you stronger. Eventhough I do of course wish that I had had a happy childhood and a 100% equal relationship with my parents; the fact is that it has made me the person I am today and I am sort of ok with that. Of course there are things I would like to be better at - I would love to be able to roar in anger instead of pussy footing around for example!

Sadly my sister has never been in councelling so she has never really learnt from it all and has just ended up feeling like a total victim throughout her life and that makes her powerless and just very very angry. Ho hum, I will continue nudging her in that direction though.

Thank you once again, you wonderful, wonderful people!!

My Red Cardigan - You are absolutely right of course.

It was very easy for him to walk away since my birthmother took us back to her homecountry. My step mother is a force of nature and she very much holds the opinion that she married my father - NOT his children. And since she rules the roost... There you have it.

My dad is crap at the emotional stuff. Packed of to boarding school at an early age, divorced and bitter parents etc etc. I did point out to him that he should be able to understand some of how my sister feels since his own father gave his 3 children very different amounts of money in his will according to how much he loved them.

He agreed that that had hurt at the time. I pointed out that since his father was now dead that 'wound' was no longer being niggled at, whilst my sister's (and mine) gets a thorough poking at from time to time!!

Sorry, but I have been mulling it over a bit. This is very therapeutic you know!

Only seeing my father for 2 or 3 weeks a year whilst growing up was probably also due to the fact that my mother married a bastard.
Told us that we could only see my dad for 2 weeks because we were so horrible he could only put up with us for that long.

He was an arsehole, but he is dead now. I danced the day I heard!

Just to add; your step-mother cannot possibly say she married your father and not his children. That is not an option when you enter into marriage with someone who has children from a previous relationship. They come as a package without negotiation.

Godd luck and I hope you and your sister continue to support each other.