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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me sort this out

20 replies

Zooropa · 25/01/2010 14:14

This is a continuation really from my last thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/895708-It-39-s-happening-again-DH-saying-he-doesn-39?reverse=1

On Thursday DH said the same things again that he was last weekend - that he was confused, wasn't happy, didn't know why.. and I went to my mum's for the weekend with ds while he "sorted his head out". I felt like my world was crashing down to be honest. Anyway he came and got us on Sunday, apologised so much and said he knew it wasn't acceptable, that everything was going to be ok and that he knew after this weekend that he couldn't be without us.
Today so far has been fine but I am just so frightened it's going to happen again. I want to get back to being happy and sorting out my insecurities like I was doing but he says now that he's fine, we don't need counselling and he doesn't need to go to the gp. My mum knows now and his parents know, and they are all worried but he says it's going to be fine. How do I carry on acting normally? I'm worried every time he doesn't text me or something, or if he goes a bit quiet. What should I do? I know I have to trust him and give him another chance to work through this, especially because I was unreasonable a lot of the time before when we were arguing. But I'm so scared

OP posts:

Ladyscratt · 25/01/2010 15:41

Naturally your confidenc has been shook again. Try to be happy and positive around him, and avoid an argument at all costs.

See if you can get a break from child/ren and spend quality time together.

If you both really love eachother then its got to be worth working out.

HappyWoman · 25/01/2010 17:15

i still think you need some help - just because he is sorted doesnt mean you are.

Do you think he may actually want you to end it?? I ask because you seem scared to even challenge him about wanting to sort this out with counselling.

Why not get yourself some counselling anyway without him to boost your self esteem.

Original poster

Zooropa · 26/01/2010 21:49

Thank you for the replies. I don't think he wants me to end it but I'm not really sure of anything any more.
I think counselling myself is a good idea - would Relate still be the ones in this situation?
Today has been quite good, he was off work to spend the day with us because he is watching football with his dad this evening. I'm still scared though.

OP posts:

chippychippybangbang · 26/01/2010 22:24

Be careful that you don't end up walking on eggshells trying to please him. He's got some serious work to do to make up for the torment he's just put you through - this isn't just your problem to repair, while he flounces about making his mind up what he wants.

Relate definitely a good idea, I hope it works out for you!

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 26/01/2010 22:34

Zooropa - sorry this happened again. As you might imagine, I see this as another red flag. Has anything come to light? What ever is going on, this seems so unfair on you - a kind of emotional abuse really.

Original poster

Zooropa · 27/01/2010 07:59

Thanks. I do feel like I'm walking on eggshells, and I feel like I've been put through some sort of emotional mangle or something! When it's nice I still don't feel 100% happy because I'm just waiting for it to go wrong again. I don't think he feels he ahs work to do - I think he thinks he's apologised, explained and so we can just start again from scratch without him having stuff to "make up". Though I had a bit of an emotional outburst this morning and he was pretty good, just cuddled me and said it was going to be fine though he did ask why I was doing it when everytihng was ok. I said I was still so worried and he has been quite understanding I think. I just still feel like rubbish

So is it still relate even if I go on my own?

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SolidGoldBrass · 27/01/2010 10:16

Oh FFS what a shitbag this man is. Look, love, this is what's going on: he's found an excellent cattle prod for you. All he has to do is look a bit wistful and anxious to provoke you into a flurry of servicing activity and desperate attempts to please and 'keep' him. Just you wait - the next time you want a night out with a female friend, tell him it's his turn to cook or put the DC to bed or you don't feel in the mood for sex, he will start looking anguished again and wait for you to panic.
Get your information together about the house, maintenance etc and the next time he tries this trick say 'Fine. Pack your bags. THis is what the future is re maintenance, access, housing etc.' Don't give a selfish knobber this much power over you.

orangina · 27/01/2010 10:41

Go SGB!

(I do agree with her, but don't have her turn of phrase.....)

chippychippybangbang · 27/01/2010 11:48

SGB is spot on. When you start feeling sick with anxiety (like I did permanently) it's time to get him out. Don't live like that. Be with someone who loves you for you, not with conditions.

OptimistS · 27/01/2010 12:13

Zooropa, I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I think that regardless of what the problem is, counselling for you alone is a very good idea. You have nothing to lose and a lot to gain.

If the problem in your relationship is down to your insecurity, counselling will help you find better ways of dealing with this. If the problem is with your DH, counselling will help you to find a healthy response and to have the courage of your convictions.

FWIW, insecure needy people are extremely wearing to be around, but I have to say I've never met one who is so willing to point out their faults as you are. It's for this reason that I question (like Dittany and SGB) your perception that it's always you being unreasonable. It's interesting that you think your gut reactions are always wrong. A lesson I learned after leaving an abusive relationship was that my gut instincts were exactly those I SHOULD have listened to, and my more reasoned response once I'd calmed down was nothing more than justification for taking the path of least resistance.

Original poster

Zooropa · 27/01/2010 17:03

ok, I don't feel I've given you a balanced picture.. so he has been playing football once a month-ish on a sunday (gone for about 3 1/2 hours total). Says he's like to go every week. He doesn't get any other regular time out, the occasional evening out or at the football. I get upset that he wants to spend this time away from me and ds every weekend, thinking it will mess up sundays.
this is an example of where I can be unreasonable.. big time, no?
This happened today. even after everything, I still reacted like this. I think I was upset that after last week he now wants to up his football.. but it's not really unreasonable for him to want this time out, is it? I should just get some for myself too, right?
If so then I really do need counselling I think.

I don't think it's always me, he can react quite unfairly sometimes if I express any worries. But I think I need help before I wreck this marriage any further.
btw he says he is happy for me to go out and do stuff (join sports club etc). I don't know what's wrong with me. Now I've calmed down I can see how unreasonable I was.

OP posts:

Original poster

Zooropa · 27/01/2010 17:05

by the way he said that if we had plans (going away or anything) of course he wouldn't play. This is what he has to put up with

OP posts:

prettywhiteguitar · 27/01/2010 17:16

I think you're being very hard on yourself.

When are you supposed to have your own time and time for family if he's away every sunday ?

I would try to keep to the same times for football but incorporate time for yourself in there as well once a month. Same as him

Original poster

Zooropa · 27/01/2010 17:18

thanks - it's only 3.5 hours on a sunday though so we'd still have the afternoon. and end of season jun-sept.

OP posts:

prettywhiteguitar · 27/01/2010 17:31

tell you what if it stops form feeling hard done by then let him !

Do you still have saturdays ?

I definitely would go to counselling, I've been to relate and they are well worth going to sound off about stuff to. Puts stuff in perspective about which of your concerns are important and which you may be blowing up.

Having said that I was with a selfish t**t so all my concerns were confirmed and he left me no matter my hard work in accommadating the selfish beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

hope you have a nicer man

Original poster

Zooropa · 27/01/2010 17:33

Thanks. Yes we would still have saturdays. I don't know what I'm scared of really. Well I do, it's being alone, but I would be more alone if he left wouldn't I!

I am determined to factor in some time for myself though in the week. What can I do? any suggestions? I am (used to be!) quite sporty. Also love writing/books.

OP posts:

Original poster

Zooropa · 27/01/2010 17:35

Oh after this morning I made an appt with relate for 2 weeks time. He has said he will come if I want him to. Not sure if it's best for me to go alone though to the first one? What do you think?
Thank you for listening everyone. Mumsnet has been pretty valuable to me over the last week or so!
I'm glad relate helped you pwg.

OP posts:

cheerfulvicky · 27/01/2010 17:39

Book club, evening class, swimming/aerobics, tennis with a friend?
Really you need some counselling of your own, to get your self esteem up so you aren't scared of him leaving all the time I agree with SGB, really.

cheerfulvicky · 27/01/2010 17:40

Sorry, cross posted with you! Good on you for phoning Relate... Why not go on your own first, then bring him along after?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 27/01/2010 17:44

Zooropa - get some independence and interests of your own by all means and yes, I think a session with Relate on your own first might be a good thing. However, the time he wants out of the house isn't the point here is it? Surely what you should be focusing on is his constant withdrawal of love and security, which honestly, I think is emotional abuse.

I hope that a counsellor can help you to see that - and this is why I suspect he's reluctant to go. I'm still not convinced that there isn't someone else lurking in the background.

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