Need some advice from older & wiser MNers...

[BertieBotts]

OK, I'm not quite sure where to start. Basically, there is a man who I have feelings for and I am not sure what to do. I have not got a very good track record with relationships and haven't got very much experience so thought I might get some good advice here.

This man (I will abbreviate to OF - Old friend) and I were friends at college, about 3-4 years ago. We were sort of more than friends in that we both had feelings for each other (unknowingly) and a drunken night where some things happened, (not full sex) but it never really went anywhere because I was loosely involved with someone else, and I kept thinking he was involved with someone else. We used to chat online a lot and got quite close through that, and would spend time together alone at college etc, but not going out or anything.

After the whole drunken night episode we used to end up having "cyber sex" quite a lot and then there was another incident where I agreed to perform a sexual act on him at college - it was weird because we never mentioned our feelings for each other in person, just online, but I enjoyed his company a lot and we spent a lot of time together. So this one day I wasn't sure whether he had been joking, but he wasn't, and we found a secluded spot and - er, I did things . At the time I felt excited by it but I was a bit taken aback by it and felt caught off-guard and afterwards I felt really dirty and like it had been a mistake. Also, he then had to run off and catch his bus so I felt used and ignored. I went out and got drunk that night as I did most nights at the time and tried to forget about it, but it bothered me. When I spoke to him a few days later (online) he said that it had felt wrong to him as well and that he was sorry. It is obviously hard to tell over the internet, but I felt he was being sincere and that he genuinely regretted it. I said that I appreciated his apology but I felt that it had changed things between us and though there might have been a chance of us getting together, there wasn't any more, because it was the fact he pushed it at all when I wasn't sure that bothered me. He said he understood but that he was sad and wished I had said something months before. I wished I had as well but still stuck to what I had said and hoped that we could be friends.

Now I can't really remember what happened next but I think we just chatted online mainly and carried on spending time together at college but just as friends. Then I got into a relationship with my (now) XP and he was very controlling and one of the first things he did was get me to cut ties with anyone I had history with, so OF was out. I was in this emotionally abusive relationship for 2.9 years and the only contact I had with OF was having him as a friend on facebook. I "got away" with this because XP was friends with his exes, he didn't have facebook and I hardly ever went on it anyway.

A number of times in the relationship with XP I found myself thinking about OF (and another person who was an actual ex) and comparing them both to XP, (ex-bf though he didn't treat me well was prince charming in comparison ) and wondering what might have happened had we got together. It would have been difficult anyway because he went off to Uni a few months after I lost contact with him. (The difference here is that I can now think about my ex-bf and know that I wouldn't want to be with him, but I think about OF and still think what if...)

So, I left XP eight weeks ago, though I actually made a concrete, no-going-back decision to leave about 3 months before that point, (took that long to find a house) and I had a thread on here a month before then (so a total of 6 months ago now) saying "I feel like my life is on pause until I can find the strength to end this" - I felt as though I was just going through the motions and that it wasn't really my life, being in the relationship with XP. And I have now been contacting old friends and explaining to them, and they have all been lovely and it has almost felt in some cases like it has been about a week, not nearly 3 years. And so I have got in contact with OF again, and the feelings are still there.

I suppose what I am unsure about is whether I should tell him how I feel. I don't know what he feels for me because I haven't asked, but I know that he is single, he is about to finish his degree (miles away) and is moving back to the local area in June (so nothing can realistically happen until then anyway), he seems more mature now (as am I obviously) but we still have the same things in common, and I suspect that he does still have feelings for me just because of the way he has been talking to me, but of course it could all be in my head! And I am worried that it might be too soon after XP and I need some time to just be single and I shouldn't be going near anything like this, I don't know if I am "on the rebound" or if that even matters (what does it mean anyway?) and I am worried that I have put OF on a pedestal, and I am seeing him as perfect just in contrast to XP who was really not a very good person for me at all! But my romantic side is saying oh, you have another chance with him, just tell him how you feel and take it very very slowly and it will be okay. But is it a really bad idea?

That was very long, sorry, and I forgot to preview so apologies for any mistakes.

can't see why

LOL @ very long OP, and custardo's three-word answer!

OP, do you have children? If so, you need to sit back and let the dust settle before bringing a new man into their/his/her life. But you don't mention any, so I'll assume not. I'm also going to assume that you're in your late 20's (because of the graduation thing).

I think you could let him know that you'd be interested in pursuing a relationship with him when he returns in June; that gives you loads of time to chat over MSN/FB/whatever and decide what level of relationship you're both interested in.

I like how you make it sound so simple when I have to write an entire page about it. Am I overthinking this?

Yes, sorry, I did forget to mention that I have one DS aged 15 months. There is no way I would be moving anybody in in any kind of hurry, but I don't really know how it works with introducing a new partner as he is so young. He has met a few of my friends who I used to hang around with and most of them are men - should I hold off on this as well, is this a bad idea? I hadn't really thought about it TBH

Not a really bad idea but keep your options open! Fantasy, fine. Obsession, not so fine. It's a fine line and a long time until June

There's a whole world out there and many people in it. I understand that you feel a connection with OF but don't let that limit your current progression into post-split new friendships and who-knows-what-else! It's a healthy part of recovery, particularly following a detrimental relationship.

OldLady I am 21 and so is he, don't know if it is relevant or not, just that you mentioned it

Thanks EcoMouse, that is helpful. I know that obsession is not healthy

Wonders if OF is asking the same thing on another forum.

Do it, dont regret at lesat trying.

Thanks, BertieBotts, that additional information helps. No, of course don't hold off introducing your friends, male or female, to your son. I'm sure you're quite wise enough not to have a succession of "daddies", which is probably one of the reasons you're worried about this.

So I'll repeat the "let the dust settle" and "keep in contact with OF" stuff; you don't have to have a man in your life and it won't hurt to learn how well you cope on your own.

When OF returns in a few months, you can see how it goes in RL. There's no need for you to pressure him into a relationship or vice versa; you're both young, with your whole lives ahead of you. Don't tie yourself down because you're scared of being alone/missing out on The One Perfect Man.

There is no such thing. That soulmates stuff is crap, too. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of men out there who will suit you just fine; you don't have to settle for the first one you meet.

Best of luck, whatever you do.

(PS I was 21 when I met DH, we just celebrated our 25th anniversary! So I'm not saying it's wrong, just keep your options open.)

Will it help if I tell you that a lovely article in the Gaurdian suggested that most people end up marrying/having serious committed relationship with the 12/13th person they have sex with?

The point of that is that the "soulmates" thing is, statistically, a bit of a myth. And that, perhaps, experience brings ... the experience (and not just sexual experience, I do mean all the other life-with-others experience that having an intimate relationship with another adult brings,) that makes long-term relationships work.

So, given that, I'd just repeat the advice of other posters. Let the dust settle. Enjoy re-acquainting yourself with yourself. Meet other chaps (but hold off on introducing them to your child,) and don't build this particular chap into "the one". He may be, he may not be. But getting stuck on the thought that he is, is a sure way to a lot of angst. And life shouldn't be all angst. There should be some smelling of the roses in there too.

Good luck - and wishing you happiness.

SlobbyBOB are you wondering generally or is there another forum with a similar thread running??

Thanks all, you clarified what I was thinking which was basically the same, that I don't need to be in a relationship for the sake of it, which was why I was worried that I was thinking like this too soon - but I don't feel as though I want to chase him for the purpose of just being in a relationship with somebody, I just felt there was still something between us so I suppose that is different. I certainly don't have any grand plans for marriage or anything, just want to see where it goes. Thanks for your help

I can't help but think if he had been that into you he would have pursued you while he had the chance. All this cyber-sex etc sounds lazy and half-hearted on his part.

And as for arranging for you to perform this sex act on him (BJ I presume), you not feeling sure and him leaving you there to catch his bus... Words fail me. I know he said that "it had felt wrong to him as well and that he was sorry" - well even someone with the worst social skills in the world could dredge up the manners to say that. He would have no more chances with me, were I in your shoes.

Nope, I'd pass on this one and keep looking for someone with a bit of respect for you.

BalloonSlayer I think I can explain a bit more - we lived 12 miles apart at the time, and neither of us could drive so mainly the only time we saw each other was at college. We were both hesitant to push the relationship because we weren't really sure of each others' relationship status, and I know that I just felt more comfortable to say things online that I was too shy to say in real life. I have issues with sexual intimacy as well which I won't go into (you may have seen my other recent post) and really our chatting online was more fantasy than reality, which is why I felt awkward at the time.

He had to catch his bus as it was his only way of getting home at all and it was a college bus so not a case of just being able to get the next one, it was the only one. When I spoke to him he apologised before I had even said anything, and just something made me feel it was sincere. I felt as though it had been a badly judged situation/mistake rather than an act of power, or something like that. And I very probably appeared more confident about the whole thing than I felt because at this point I was quite used to doing sexual things because that was what guys wanted and thought that was a good way to get someone to like me In fact it was this incident that made me realise that actually I could say no if I wanted to and it didn't matter what I had already "promised" anyone.

So I don't know, really. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship since then, and it was completely different, but I understand that abuse doesn't always present itself in the same way, so I don't really know what to think and I suspect that I won't know for certain until such time if and when I actually meet up with him.

I actually wouldn't worry too much about the previous 'incident' and him rushing off to go home. You were both what, 17/18? We all do strange things at that age!

I would just see what happens once he is back in the area. See him as a friend and then if you feel comfortable and the feelings are there then take things slowly.

That is what I was thinking Alibaba - yes we were both only just 18 IIRC - didn't want to sound as though I was making excuses for him though and I am aware my perception is a bit skewed because of EA relationship. It all helps to have all different perspectives though, thanks