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Oh My God I am an Adulteress - not dramatic - just divorce question

21 replies

Boe · 13/06/2003 10:05

Ha Ha - thought that would illicit some hits!!

As you all probably know by now I am going through rather a messy divorce and child residence situation. I have had to submit statements for the CAFCASS officer before attending a second court appearance with my x2b -anyway, my lovely sweet dp has written a statement covering all fo the abuse that I suffered and saying that (as suggested by aloha) that we are now in a loving permanant relationship and he is willing to be part of my daughters life and we are committed (to each other although for the last couple of months was worried that may be committed elsewhere!!) Anyway - him addmitting to this has throewn up the question of whether my husband can now sue me for divorce on the grounds of adultery. What sort of implications does this throw up - I have no idea whether what we divorce for actually matters and my husband has had 2 relationships (I use that word very lightly) siince we split up. I have already filed a petition divorcing him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, can he now petition me? I really do not mind what we get divorced for as long as it happens and soon. I would just like to know what I am letting myself in for. I am sure that the court will not believe that although we have stated we are in a relationship we do not have the odd passionate moment

Although feel a complete slapper now - my god I have committed adultery - was long seperated though!! Will my dp be named on the petition?? He is the most unslappery person and not sure if he would be bothered??

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Boe · 13/06/2003 12:08

Obvious did not illicit any hits!!

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M2T · 13/06/2003 12:11

Boe - I didn't really understand what had happened. Your message confused me a bit.

Who did you sleep with? And who are you living with? hang over must be worse than I thought!


kayleigh · 13/06/2003 12:22

Hi Boe, On the being named thing, - I was named in my husbands divorce from his first wife (I am only his second!). As far as I am aware it just means your name appears on some papers that are referred to by solicitors and may be mentioned in court at the actual court case. I assume they are then filed. This happened over 12 years ago and has never come back to haunt me. Am sure your partner wouldn't mind being named if it means you could get your divorce through a bit quicker. And I certainly don't think you're a slapper! Good Luck


prufrock · 13/06/2003 12:22

Boe I don't know the legal definition, but I would assume that you can't commit adultery once you are legally seperated from your husband. Does your dp's letter contain details of when you got together v. when you seperated from your x2b?


pie · 13/06/2003 12:29

I got divorced about 18 months after my ex and I split, I met my DH in this time, we met as the split was happening, around Janurary but didn't become a couple until the beginning of June.

I filed for divorce also on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

My ex, trying to get the sympathy vote told EVERYONE we both knew that I had cheated on him. I still, 3 years on get people ignoring me on the street. Ex said, when I actually filed for divorce, that he would counter sue on the grounds that I was adulterous.

Whilst yes we were technically still married at the time, my lawyer told me that the judge would only take it seriously if my ex could prove that at the time of the split I was with my now DH and that was the reason for the split. As it wasn't I told my ex to go ahead and waste his money on something that he couldn't prove because it wasn't true and one way or the other we were getting the divorce. He still to this day (well we've had to contact for almost 11 months so I mean since we last spoke) tells people I cheated on him.

I don't make it public knowledge that when we met he told me he was 24 (I was 22) and didn't tell me until I was pregnant and under family pressure to marry that he was actually 18 years old and had just kicked a heroin habit six months before I met him. He wasn't talking to his family so I knew no one who knew him kwim?

Ok I'm going to stop because I feel a massive rant coming on.

But as you have said you weren't cheating on you x2B, so really your ex will find it hard to make that stand up in court. I think!


pie · 13/06/2003 12:31

NO contact with ex for 11 months that should read!


pie · 13/06/2003 12:32

Oh and I guess I just made his lying public knowledge didn't I???

I just meant that I didn't go round telling people that we both knew, like he decided to do.


Boe · 13/06/2003 12:35

Was not with dp when seperated from x2b. Adultery can still be raised if you are not divorced - if you are still legally married you are still committting adultery if you have intercourse with anyone!! Oh my god is particularly archaic isn't it - do they expect us to just be celebate until the solicitors get their act together and actually get the divorce sorted!!

What really wanted to know is how will effect the divorce proceedings - speed, financial matters, the house etc. I really do not mind it coming out - although think the word adultery just sounds a bit filthy!!

Feel a bit better that it will come out when x2b get statements and am bracing myself for lots of abuse and name calling. Is good for residence case though - I am having realtionship with someone who has taken on my daughter as his own and views out relationship as one that it committed stable and long term. My husband has already had 2 realtionships, although of course he is not gonna bring this up as will look bad that he is having lots of partners when there is a small child present.

Helps that dp is tall, dark, handsome and everything a girl could wish for. He really is the most lovely caring man I have ever met - I can even overlook that he snores, passes wind when I am present and would watch the national frisbee throwing championships if it was televised.

Am sure things are going to fall apart soon though - things just seem to actually finally be going my way!!

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Boe · 13/06/2003 12:42

God posts crossed - feel really sorry for you pie - do hope you are happy now!!

Don't understand men - my x2b is telling everyone what I think is our private business - his favourite phrase is that I have emotionally and financially raped him - ha ha, not had a brass farthing yet!! One of my friends even had a report that an acquantance had been told by someone I have not seen for the last 10 years 'have you heard (my name), you remember from school, is getting divorced!! Apparently she was f**king half of (my home town)!! I was appallled - what an earth is he telling everyone - if I was him I would be embarrassed if anyone thought that - and the fact that it is untrue just makes me cross!!

Glad dp will have no repercussions though as I said he is great

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eidsvold · 13/06/2003 21:27

BOe - can't give much advice except for the rumour mongering. I would ignore it - your true friends will know what is happening and the rest can go jump. My ex tried to tell everyone the reason we got divorced as that I was a bitch to be with etc... forgot to mention that he left with my ( now ex) bestfriend ( also married)...oops but my true friends knew what was happening and did not pay any attention to what he was saying.. and in fact put a couple of people who were enjoying spreading the rumours straight.


aloha · 13/06/2003 21:42

Boe, please don't worry about the grounds for divorce. Whatever they are, they will make no difference to the financial arrangements, child residence etc, split on property etc. They are completely separate. The concept of 'blame' in divorce has been legally abolished. It simply isn't relevant, please try not to worry about it - put it out of your mind. I'm hardly surprised that a violent man is a woman-hater in other ways too, with archaic ideas about women. It seems all of a piece to me. Frankly, being angry and bitter about you will really harm his case, so I'd encourage it! The more hostile to you he is, while you point out that he has behaved intolerably but you are angelically forgiving for the sake of your child, the better for you. I wish you the very best of luck.


sykes · 13/06/2003 21:48

Aloha, are you a "legal person" - ie involved in the field. You give such stunning advice. As you say, as my solicitor told me, you don't get any financial bonuses for any kind of crap behaviour - ie my h has left me but I'm entitled to x% of his salary. He obviously has to contribute to xy and z but as I'm rather well paid the courts will also consider that he has to provide a residence for access. My solicitor has been great - friend of a friend - and has given me a great spread sheet about costs etc which I've sent to Bugsy. But any other advice?


aloha · 13/06/2003 22:00

Not a legal person, but been through the mill with dh's ex!! Did a lot of reading. Also have written about legal/relationship issues for magazines. However, I did do law A level and had fantasies of legal career (too much Petrocelli as a kid, I think!).


sykes · 13/06/2003 22:02

But incredibly sussed and great advice.


aloha · 13/06/2003 22:03

Sykes, yes the court will normally consider that your ex will need enough money in the settlement to fund a suitable place for contact visits. But he will have to pay for his children and you should get the lion's share of any house split, because you have to house the children full time.


sykes · 13/06/2003 22:07

I know that and the general opinion seems to be he's likely to be more generously financially the sooner I let him know how much he has to contribute. God I sound so mercenary, but I guess you have to do it. I've added on botox and therapy to my expenses. You've got to laugh.


Boe · 16/06/2003 09:56

Thanks for the advice - Aloha - you should start some sort of advice line - there is nothing out there (except mumsnet of course) for women going through this kinda thing.

My husband seriously slipped up last week - he was supposed to let me pick up my little girl on Thursday morning as he wanted her back on Saturday evening so they could spend fathers day together, I text him on Wednesday evening and said that I would pick her up at 8am in the morning - got a barrage of abuse, he had it in his mind that I should not get her until Thursday night - I tried to explain that if he wanted her dropped 24 hours earlier I had to pick her up 24 hours earlier - Thursday instead of Friday morning - his final reaction was to send me a text telling me that he was going back to his solicitor and that things would go back to how they were as I was being 'unreasonable' - considering I did not have to agree to the change in times and dates to accomodate fathers day - I think I was being very reasonable. Anyway - I picked her up on Thursday night and took her back Saturday night like a good little child (sounds silly but that is what he makes me feel like - all the strength and resolve slips away!!) I have informed my solicitor of this and she was amazed - the man must be stupid - we had only been to court the week before to hash out contact arrangements and here he was less that 7 days later telling me he was going to change them as he thought I was being unreasonable!! I really think that he believes that he can control this whole process like he is used to controlling me!!

Any way have had brilliant statements written by 2 friends about the throwing out of house, control, bullying etc. Have also had DP write statement - professing undying love etc.... I am really scared as I have shyed away from admitting that me and my DP are having a realtionship and the statements are swapped this Friday - he is gonna go ballistic when he reads that we are officially an item!!

Will the divorce go through quicker if he sues me for adultery??? Will it make any difference to the final ruling in the residence case if we are married or divorced by the time we go to court??

Sorry have probably already asked this questions - am getting nervous about Friday already - just glad I get to pick up my daughter in the morning and he will not have seen the statements.

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aloha · 16/06/2003 10:17

Frankly, you could have stuck to your guns - no Thursday am pickup, no Father's day. It wouldn't have harmed your case. You are entitled to your time. It ISN'T unreasonable and yes, he does sound very controlling. Adultery and unreasonable behaviour are the two 'quickie' divorce grounds - ie you don't have wait two years, they proceed at exactly the same speed. You will definitely get a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour if you want that, but it won't get him more of a share of the house etc if you let him divorce you for adultery (I'd be inclined not to, however, as I would find it so annoying and unfair). Talk to your solicitor about it and tell him/her what you want the outcome to be. As for the divorce - you shouldn't divorce until the contact and residence issues are sorted, IMO, as they should all be part of the deal and I think you shouldn't get divorced until you have sorted out money and child things. Good luck! Don't be nervous, though I know it's more easily said than done. I think your statements sound great. When are your interviews?


Boe · 16/06/2003 14:20

Thanks Aloha - thing is I am not bothered about the money - I want 50% of the equity on our house and 50% of the value of all of our joint possessions that he would not let me take - I do not want them now - just the cash - I could not bare to touch them after they have been with him for so long and his women have touched them!!

People who wrote my statements really came through - best friend had a call from x2b late one night and he was abbusive on the phone to her saying that I would never be allowed to see my daughter and he could give her all that she needed and stuff that makes him look awful. She also put how my daughetr cries when she has to go back to her father and how clingly and introvert she has become.

I did not want to take her back on Saturday but thought that I would look a lot better if I was not disagreeable - I think it would have looked mean for me to have not let her see him on fathers day. The good thing is that he looked awful after changing times that the court had ordered for us to stick to. I also have the text messages that he sent me saying that he was changing arrangements back to cut time with my daughter - I truely believe that he is slowly hanging himself (not literally I am afraid!!) and by the time we go to court he will just look like he is only going for residence as a way of getting at me.

Is strange sometimes I think being divorced is sort of glamourous and sometimes I think it is dirty and grosse.

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valleygirl · 17/06/2003 12:19


Just a quick note on this one - why is it that YOU are afraid of being termed an adulteress when you are in a stable, grown-up relationship, which started AFTER you had split with your ex? Yet, from reading the 2 threads on your situation, your ex seems to have been with at least 2 women since you split, and yet his behaviour isn't being called into question?

You are in a stable relationship, he has screwed at least 2 women since he booted you out?!! For what it's worth, I would say this goes in your favour.

Glad you're keeping your cool through all this. Well done.


Boe · 17/06/2003 14:44

It is just the term adultress that makes me shiver - probably the catholic upbringing.

I hope it does go in my favour - the only reason he could make an issue about it is that I have brought it up to try and secure residence of my daughter - she woul;d be better off in a home with 2 parents thatn one who has flings as I do not want her having 'aunties' going in and out of her life all of the time.

I am happy to say that I feel much better knowing that it will have no bearing on the divorce.

I am bearing up thanks, a lot of my confidence and strength comes from you guys. It is nice to know that people are willing to give advice even when they do not know you. Keeping the cool is more difficult - when I see him I cannot bear to look at him and I have to sit on my hands when we are in the same room as I am sure that I would turn into a complete haridan - I have fantasies about clawing big tracks in his face and sometimes even hope that he will bash me again - he would get the shock of his life - I am now a much stronger person and would make sure I gave him a good prod. God I abhore violence but would just love to be able to have one chance at hurting him as much as he has and is hurting me.

I know I am starting to sound a bit looney but dp is in Spain at moment and empty evenings are leaving me too much time to think - house is like a new pin and friends are all 30 minutes or more away - I just can't be bothered with the driving once I get home so sit am mull over things.

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