I'm Pregnant-how do i tell my best friend who cant have any more?

[bellarosa]

Hi

I am pregnant with my 3rd baby and am over the moon happy, but have a horrible situation which i need to deal with - Fast- as i am starting to show.
My best friend has a little boy but has recently discovered that she cannot have any more children and is very sad and angry about it, and seems angry with anyone who is or is trying to get pregnant.

I cherish our friendship and really fear i may lose what we have when she finds out i am pregnant.

I just wondered if anyone else has had to deal with a similar situation and if so any advise please!?

Thanks

Please please please just tell her.
I had a miscarraige in july and decided not to have anymore since it was my 5th m/c (hasnt actually worked out like that as im now preg with twins). My little sister kept her pregnancy from me incase it upset me. That hurt way more. Just tell her and if she is any kind of friend she will be happy for you. She may be sad that its not gonna happen again for her but it shouldnt take away from her being happy for you.

Agree with starshaker. I fell pregnant accidently just as my sister was going through her 4th miscarriage. Tell her asap before you show or before someone else tells her; she might be off with you for a while but she will come round. Best wishes.

Thanks,

Thats what i feel i should do it is just hard as whenever i see her it's all talk of her situation and i can see how much she is hurting and i guess i feel guilty because this baby came along as a 'happy accident' and she has tried so hard to get pregnant and wants it so much.

We went through infertility, so have had similar issues, and I would recommend telling her on the phone. It's important to tell her properly i.e. not email or text. But on the other hand, if you tell her in person she will have to control herself, so you don't see, and it will be harder for her to get away from the situation. On the phone, she can say that she's busy and finish the conversation, and then have a little cry about it. Telling her when you're pretty certain that she won't be on her own with her DS would also be a good idea.

You are a very kind friend to be thinking of her reaction. I'm sure that once she has had time to grieve for the child that she won't have, she will be able to see your kindness and you won't lose her as a friend. While you're pregnant, she might need to pull away a bit.

Thanks tittlemouse, yes your right,i think that what i'm scared of is her withdrawing from our friendship, even if it's temporary, i'll miss her so much. (sad) We live in a pretty rural place where a good friend is hard to come by, and selfishly i am thinking of being lonely without her arround if she does pull away.

I think telling her on the phone might be good for the reasons you stated, but it also feels a bit weird as we live fairly close and see each other so often... it would somehow feel contrived.

any way thanks all for your thoughts. I'll let you know how it goes. x

I had to tell a good friend that I was pregnant just after she had a mc of a much much wanted baby

TBH it was awful. I smoked so she would've known straight away anyway, but I had to tell her much earlier than I was comfortable telling anyone.

I am 30 wks now and she is still not ok with it, tbh we may have had two conversations about the baby the whole time I have been pregnant. Her DS asked if he could feel the baby and she nearly jumped off the sofa to stop him.

I really hope it goes better for you and your friend, it is a v difficult situation.

oh mii thats so sad for you. i'm sorry, it must be horrible for you to have got to this late stage in your pregnancy and not been able to work it out with her. Maybe when the baby is born and it is less about 'pregnancy' as such, she will feel a bit less sensitive about it.

good luck with the next few weeks and i hope you have lots of other supportive friends arround you. it's not your fault what happened to her and i hope she comes to see that. x

My best friend found out she was never going to have children when I was pregnant with my last DC. I had arranged to go and visit her when I was about 6 months but a few days' before, we spoke on the phone and she told me that she was really struggling with seeing pregnant women. So I cancelled the trip. We didn't see one another at all during my pregnancy but she sent presents for the baby and we spoke on the phone. We are as close as we ever were now but I let her set the pace.

I think you should tell her and say that you will do whatever she wants you to do - if she's okay about seeing you, then great, but if not, then can you keep in touch by email/text/phone.

Good luck with it

good idea, to let her set the pace thanks

I second that. I fell out with my sister (from msg above) when she didn't turn up to my DD 2nd birthday party even though she lives close. She eventually told me that she couldn't handle being around kids at that time. You can only go as fast as the slowest person and that's going to be your friend. Good luck. And congrats on the pregnancy, I'm very jealous!!!!!!

My friend was going thru her 3rd ivf treatment after 2 failed attempts when i found out i was pregnant.

She was the one who broached the subject cos she just "knew" i was expecting.I guess i wasnt very good at hiding it.

We did have a couple of awkward weeks but our story had a happy ending because ivf was finally sucessful for her and we were pregnant together

She told me afterwards that although she knew why i didnt want to tell her, she would have preferred if i had shared my good news with her.

Your friend will need your support but dont feel that you have to be ashamed of your happiness.

As one who has gone through infertility and countless procedures for 8 years I would say let your friend know by email. By far the kindest option. Then she can process the information in her own time without immediately having to say 'congratulations' through gritted teeth.

I agree with the others, just tell her. I had 3 lots of IVF (I have a daughter now) but it took 4 years. One friend was six months pregnant before she told me, in fact she didn't another friend did, I was so hurt that she thought I would be upset with her

Hi all,

Just thought I'd let you know that i told her yesterday, face to face after a long windy walk on the beach, we both had a little cry and a big hug and i told her honestly how i was feeling about telling her and she reacted with honesty which i respect- she said that she is happy for me and also sad for herself. i think it'll take a bit of time to sink in for her, but she seems ok. we seem ok

thanks everyone for your help and support with this and i hope that those of you who've been in this situation have managed to hold onto friendships and find a way to be ok with what ever the outcome.

x x

Am really glad it worked out for you. A good friend of mine stopped talking to me after I emailed her to tell her that I was pregnant, the year after she suffered a mc. We have not spoken since then. Refused to take my calls, didnt return emails etc, and didnt acknowledge DDs birth. Makes me so so was really hoping that it worked out for you.