Unable to call mum 'mum'

[lovechoc]

Has anyone come across this before? My own mother recently disclosed some of her past to me and said she's never been able to directly call her own mother 'mum' - she was never shown any affection in her childhood (never hugged or kissed).

I'm at a loss as to how to help her. Her own mother is still alive but she does not want to confront her after so many years of this - she has just got used to it. I feel really sad for her

Even her brother is unable to call her 'mum'.They were never abused as children, but were never shown any love. They were just seen as 'in the way'.

Can anyone shed any light on this? Has anyone else been in this situation?

watching with interest, my DH has never called me by name.

The same here. Called her mummy as a child and then by a shortened version of her real name which is a shortened version of mum.

I refused to call my mother ?mum? as she is not a mum and never has been. I call her by her name or ?mother?. My brother similarly calls her by her name ? when he has contact, which is about once every couple of years as he can?t stand her.

underneaththestream my mum says she can't bring herself to say the word 'mum' when she is talking directly to her own mum. very similar to you.
My mum says 'but she's never been a mum to me, she's never been maternal'. I feel she has missed out, and wonder if my grandmother realises the upset she's caused over the years. Surely she must realise how she's been with her children??
I want to get them together in a room just to talk but my mum says it's too late now. I will respect her wishes but feel that we will never know how my grandmother feels about it if we don't broach the subject.

If you get them in a room and force the issue the chances are that everyone will end up hurt and nothing will have been fixed.
My theory is that if my mother had been capable of being maternal, then she would have been. As she was totally incapable then there is nothing to be gained by ?what-ifs?. I am upset by her continuing and total denial of our miserable childhoods, but have accepted that she is incapable of seeing my point of view, so what?s the use of bashing your head against a brick wall?
You mum/grandmother?s situation may be the same. It can?t be changed, it?s gone.
Sorry.

Same for me and my sister with our 'mum'. I don't want to go into detail but on a lighthearted note, between ourselves we've taken to calling her 'Mummers' (after reading that Sharon Osbourne called her dad 'Dadders' finding herself unable to call him 'dad'). Not sure what my sister calls her face to face. I avoid the problem by never seeing her.

underneaththestream that's what I needed to hear - someone who has had a similar experience growing up, telling me to leave things as they are. I don't want to cause any upset between them, they've survived all this time getting along best they can without the need to change anything. My mum is right also, she doesn't feel it would change anything now. She feels it really is too late.

It explains why my relationship with her hasn't always been easy. Yesterday has answered a lot of questions for me, other things were said but not necessary to repeat on here. The main thing was about how my grandmother was not maternal in the slightest. I don't know why I hadn't notice it before myself.

Maybe it was easier to do the ?grandmother? role, than it was to do the day-in, day-out, mother role; especially if you?ve just not got it in you.
I can only really tell you what it is like from my situation though ? it may be very different from your mother?s.
I hope your mother came to terms with it ok though.

thank you for your advice, it's helped me a lot. Yes I know, the situations may be very different in reality. My grandmother dotes on DS (her great-grandson) and shows him a lot of afffection yet she has never managed to do this with my own mum. That must hurt a lot.

I am also sorry for your situation. Do you think some people just aren't meant to have children? My own mother believes that she wasn't meant to be here.

I do know that she didn?t really want children, and only had us out of family pressure. She told us that many times!
I think I?d prefer to believe what MadamDeathstare said ? it sounds a lovely thought.

my uncle was an 'accident' and so was my mum later on (different father). neither of them were really 'wanted' children, IYSWIM. So neither of them were shown love and affection.
yes, madamdeathstare I make sure she knows I love her and spend time with her and have always called her 'mum'. Maybe that's enough for her to just accept the way things are with her own mother and focus on her relationship with myself and GC - maybe that's what's kept her going in her adult life since becoming a mum herself. That's a lovely way of looking at it, thanks

underneaththestream that's terrible to be told that, how on earth does that make a person feel...

perhaps this kind of thing is more common than I realised.

I didn't grow up with my dad and find it incredibly difficult to call him dad now, for years I used his Christian name then after a big falling out and then sorting things out I thought I should try calling him dad as it seemed too sad to call him his name. Mostly I avoid having to refer to him by either.

No advice though I am afraid.

Memorylane my friend says exactly that about her dh but I dont understand how? Surely in every day life he has to say your name?

My dad never called my mum by her name until he started going to a psychiatrist (about 15 years after they got married). Even now he tries not to call her by her name, usually says 'And how's mum then these days?' etc. Though that's not so much of an issue these days as they separated when I was 9 and divorced when I was 16. My dad was emotionally, financially and mentally abusive and he was diagnosed with a personality disorder. He just used to talk 'at' her rather than with her or would ignore her for days on end. Strangely they now exchange Xmas/birthday presents yet he told her once she would just have to watch him eat as he wasn't going to buy any food for her and gave all the clothes she had away to a charity shop.
Very wierd early childhood all that made and funnily enough my first boyfriend turned out to be much the same with physicial and sexual abuse thrown in.