Financial resentment - long but I ned to unload

[Pheebe]

I think I need to unload this as well as a bit of advice (and likely a smack round the ankles).

I am the main breadwinner for our family. I am lucky enough to have a well paid job, I am self employed and work about 2/3 of full time. DH cannot earn a comparable salary and has looked after both ds's while they were small and is now working more as they are at school and nursery. As a family this works well, we all get lots of time together, are not short of money, have a good lifestyle etc. So what is there to complain about? Well, fundamentally I am starting to resent the fact that DH doesn't earn more and cannot take more direct financial responsibility for the family. I have taken a fair old loan out recently to cover some large bills and partly to buy a van for DH. I have no problem with that although I hate being in debt but accept its necessary at the moment. I have found it very upsetting as its put paid to any idea we might of had of having a third child - DH does not want to stay at home again (fair enough), we can't afford for me not to work for a year and with this extra loan we can't afford any alternative child care arrangements. So its been a big thing for me.

Now the problem is DHs emerging attitude to it all. its my bday soon and I was joking I wanted a DS and wanted him to get it. His immediate reaction was I'm not getting it for you and I'm not getting into debt for you either. This has hurt me very deeply as he either doesn't realise just how much pressure I feel being the sole breadwinner and bill payer for the family and how hard it is for me to give up the precious third child I thought we'd have. It's not that he refused to get the DS (I could go out and get one tomorow if I really wanted it) its his attitude.

In every other way he is great, brilliant dad, caring partner, hard working (has rennovated the house while being at home with the boys) but seems to have the attitude - while I'm paying for everything he doesn't need to think about it.

I'm starting to become really resentful and am not sure where to go from here as I suspect this could put our marriage under real strain.

Do you think he was snapping at you because he feels ashamed somehow that he isn't the main breadwinner and doesn't have the money to buy you something like that? There is a huge society pressure for men to be the "provider" and if he has been brought up to think that, and can't earn working full time what you earn working 2/3s of the week, it might be niggling away at him, and he's not talking about it with you because he's embarrassed.

Having said that, I'm not sure at all what the best way of approaching him about it is as it sounds like he is going to be very touchy about it. But if you think that the attitude might be from shame rather than just not caring that might help you to not feel resentful of him?

Thing is he does have the money and could buy it if he wanted to. Even when he wasn't working at all I set up a dd so he always had cash in his account that was absolutely his. I have always been very grateful that he wanted to have that time with our boys which enabled me to work. I have always been very appreciative of him and everything he does, paid or otherwise.

I just wonder whether he has the same respect for me. I have always had the view that whats mine is ours, money is a means to an end etc. I think whats upset me most is that his first gut reaction was 'I'm not spending my money on you'. All I do is spend 'my' money on our family.

He says he didn't mean it the way I took it so perhaps I am just really feeling the pressure and 'reading too much into things'.

I don't know. Thanks for taking the time to reply ladies

why don't you get him to explain exactly how he did mean it?

He won't until the kids are in bed (have to agree with him there), he says I took it the wrong way and won't discuss it any more

Wait, wait, what does "DS" mean in this context? I thought you were joking about making another child, but your later comments wouldn't make sense in that context.

Oops, DS = nintendo, sorry

Nintendo DS at a guess?