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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

H is moving out next weekend - we need to tell the kids...but HOW/WHEN/WHAT???

17 replies

LoverOfGreenTea · 22/01/2010 22:46

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Slambang · 22/01/2010 23:03

Sorry

When my friend did this they waited until they had sorted the accomodation for her h. Then they could tell the dcs exactly where he would be staying and exactly which days the dcs would be seeing him. It really helped the dcs to know that they would be seeing as much of their dad as they did before the break up.

Snorbs · 22/01/2010 23:21

I've been in that situation and you have my sympathy as it's hard

Best I can say is to reassure them that they will continue to be able to see mum and dad as much as possible and that you both still love them. And make it absolutely clear that the problems are between the adults, and it's the adults' job to come up with ways of addressing those problems - eg, by living separately. Children tend to take this kind of thing as an indication that they've done something wrong so it's vital that you reassure them that it's not their fault.

LoverOfGreenTea · 23/01/2010 09:22

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Snorbs · 23/01/2010 11:15

Tell them now. It will take a while for it to sink in and for questions to arise.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 23/01/2010 11:20

I agree tell them now.
I also think you will be very surprised how well they will take it, yes they may get upset but they will adapt very quickly. Especialy when it is a working plan and they realise how much they still get to see of their dad.

I agonised for ages as did my dh when him and his ex were seperating (although not at the same time we were friends from school not a couple then) and the thought of the deed actually was worse than doing it again especially once the working plan was in place.
Good luck it is such a sad time when you have to break this news to the dc's you will be in my thoughts as I know how hard a thing it is to do.

InmaculadaConcepcion · 23/01/2010 12:17

Sorry to hear you're splitting up, Lover, but it sounds like you and your H are being very sensible about it.

As a child of divorced parents myself (twice each...) I remember appreciating my Mum's honesty about the situation. Yes, it was painful and as a parent your instinct is to try and protect your DCs from hurtful truths, that's only natural.

But children can usually tell if something's being hidden from them and if you make sure they are in the picture, it will reinforce the trust they have in you and their father.

Snorbs is right - make it clear it's not their fault and you and Dad both love them as much as ever - and give them time (and space, if they need it) to absorb the news before your H moves out. If it's clear it's not a taboo subject, then hopefully that will encourage them to ask questions and share fears they have about it.

As I said at the top, I admire the way you and H are going about this. In the difficult days ahead, one thing I would say is continue to keep in mind that your roles as your DCs' parents are to some extent separate (now) from your personal relationship with each other, so no matter how hard things get between you and H, don't succumb to the temptation to drag your DCs into it. Even now, years later, I get upset if one of my parents badmouths the other - after all, however they treated each other, they are still Mum and Dad to me.

Hope this helps you! All the best, it's always a horrendous time, but I think you're already approaching it in a healthy way.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 23/01/2010 12:23

Tell them now and give them some time to take it on board (but not too much time!).

Be clear about what's happening and that it's about you not them.

You can find lots of advice on the internet (by googling) about what to say and how to say it.

Good luck.

LoverOfGreenTea · 23/01/2010 17:21

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IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 23/01/2010 17:49

Good for you for getting through it ok

It will be really tough for the next few weeks but you and the DCs will be ok.

It will be odd but better now it's all in the open and that you're working towards a new future.

The DCs may well be quiet/upset for a while but I'm sure that they will settle into a new routine over the next few weeks and months. The main thing is that both you and XP are them for them when you need them and from what you say you'll both be giving them all of the support that they need.

LoverOfGreenTea · 23/01/2010 17:56

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ItsGraceAgain · 23/01/2010 17:57

oops, posted on your other thread.

Take care of your self, too, it's important. x

PinkFluffyslippers · 23/01/2010 19:00

GreenTea -
can offer nothing except a big hug - and well done for getting through the day.
Hope the DD's are ok. BTW do they know any other kids whose parents have split ? I guess you should tell their teachers in case they mention it at school = but you've probably already thought of that as you sound hugely practical.
Hope the rest of your weekend is ok- considering what you're going through.

XX big Hugs PFS

BigBadMummy · 23/01/2010 19:16

Having been in a similar situation I would say don't let the children physically see your H moving out.

Go out for the day and let it happen whilst you are out.

They will get upset seeing him moving out and it will live with them.

My ex-H remembers vividly his dad leaving with a carrier bag and a tent and it haunts him.

We sat our three down one night and explained exactly was happening. Mummy and Daddy simply don't love each other anymore but you still love the DCs. Daddy is going to be living somewhere else but they will still be able to see him.

Draw up the access arrangements on a chart on the wall so they can see "okay, I will be seeing daddy on those days" and if possible put a phone number on it so they can phone "daddy whenever they want".

Explain that daddy will be moving out next weekend.

And as soon as he is out, take the children round so they can see where daddy is.

Advise the school too.

There will be lots of other children who have gone through this at school and will help your DCs.

Good luck. Hugs Hugs

Snorbs · 23/01/2010 21:02

Fantastic advice, BigBadMummy. I'd absolutely agree with the contact chart except if it turns out the other parent turns out to be unreliable. That's something that will only become clear in time, though. I've got contact numbers for my ex on the wall and I still occasionally remind them that they can call whenever they want. And definitely tell the school and ask them to contact you ASAP if they have any concerns.

Lycraphobe · 24/01/2010 10:01

LoverOfGreenTea - I am really sorry for what you and your DC are going through (and for your (D)H too). Thank God, you've been able to be civilised about it.

I was wondering though what do your DC say about not ever having both their parents together with them again?

My DC1 is 7 too and he really makes a fuss about DH and I spending time with him at the same time. Even if it is just sitting between us on the settee watching TV or eating together.

InmaculadaConcepcion · 24/01/2010 13:07

Good for you, Lover - at least you don't have to dread telling them now. You can all work through it in your different ways, but it sounds like there's a lot of support in your family, even if the form of it is changing.

Some great advice from other posters - wish my folks had done some of that stuff!!

LoverOfGreenTea · 26/01/2010 08:27

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