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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help needed re access

9 replies

mum2b24 · 22/01/2010 11:36

Hi, I am looking for some advice on my ex's access to his kids plz. We have been divorced for 4 years (he cheated) and it took him a long time to get himself sorted out with a house etc. He was moving from relationship to relationship.

He has now a house and nice girlfriend. He picks the kids up twice a week from school for tea and brings them back 6.45. He refuses to have them everyother weekend though. He very occasionally has them on a friday night (usually arranged the day before) and brings them back at 2pm on Saturday. This doesnt give me any time to arrange to go out with my partner and get a sitter for our child and if I need to go out on Saturday, I have to be back by 2pm. I am missing out going for days out with my youngest child.

I have recently told the ex that he has to have them all weekend (fri night - Sun night) or nothing. I'd like it to be more structured and regular (poss everyother weekend).

Am I being unreasonable and where do I stand legally? Any help or advice would be appreciated. Thanks xxx

OP posts:

traumaqueen · 22/01/2010 11:42

Tricky. Do you have an access agreement in place via a solicitor? In which case you can apply for this to be changed.

But very hard to make him want to have the kids there and if he doesn't want them there then it's going to be a hideous situation all round for them.

OnlyWantsOneFartleBerry · 22/01/2010 11:44

TBH, i dont know many dads that dont want more regular contact with their kids, but I would suggest you stop telling him what YOU want, and sit down with him and ask, what he would like, and tell him that you are unhappy and would like the children to have more of a routine, and it would be better for everyone.

Ask him what he (and his partner) think is suitable to suit their lives. Because there is no point putting some thing into place and it not working out and the kids being dissapointed.

Then compromise together...

LaurieFairyCake · 22/01/2010 11:47

They do have regular times that he has agreed too - they go for tea twice a week.

You can't force him to have them for the weekend unfortunately.

Wouldn't it be unfair to the children to restrict them from having the tea times they do have just because he's refusing to have them at the weekend?

Original poster

mum2b24 · 22/01/2010 12:13

Thanks for replies.

Statement of arrangement when we divorced was he would have "regular and meaningful access".

The thing with him is he is completely and utterly selfish. He would much rather go to the pub or play golf. He went on 2 holidays last year without the kids. He didn't take them anywhere not even a day out to the zoo. They are 11 and nearlly 9 and the things that they say really hurt me. They say things like "daddy prefers the pub and golfing than spending time with us" and at xmas when he saw them for all of 11hours (thats from 18/12 through to the 4/1) they said to me "at least you like spending time with us"

I'm not planning on cutting out the tea in the week but he has to start putting his kids before himself. Isn't that what you're supposed to do when you're a parent???

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 22/01/2010 13:13

Of course it's what you're supposed to do and he's an arsehole for not wanting to.
But you can't make him put his children before himself. There is nothing you can do.

Really sad for your children.

Ivykaty44 · 22/01/2010 13:15

legally you don't have a leg to stand on - you can't force the NRP to have the dc overnight or for longer periods...strange but true

What though do your dc want?

GypsyMoth · 22/01/2010 13:24

the statement for arrangements for children is not legally binding,its just for the judges info. so its insignificant

all you can do is speak to him

if he pays csa then does he know he gets a reduction for every night they stay with him? might be worth mentioning...

Ivykaty44 · 22/01/2010 13:33

the csa don't take under 52 night a year into account - so it would need to be friday, Saturday and Sunday night for it to make a difference to money.

cestlavielife · 22/01/2010 13:56

"They are 11 and nearlly 9 and the things that they say really hurt me. They say things like "daddy prefers the pub and golfing than spending time with us"""

well they seeing him for what he is.

it is their pain not yours as such.

you cannot force him anyway.

as the friday night thing is irregular then it wont impact too much on you -

so not sure why it impacting on your days out if it is "occasional"?? if you have planned something for next day with kids then tell him no if he asks at really short notice. tell him "too short notice sorry"

or do you mean you have another child with your partner and want time one on one with that child without the older ones?

tho it would be better to have it fixed so you and the kids know for next month what is happening.

ask him to set a regular date for the overnight that he will stick to.

if the two times a week after school pick ups are going well then stick with that. it could be interpreted as ""regular and meaningful access".

is certainly regular... how meaningful it is depends on kids. but your older kids will grow up pretty soon and be doing their own thing anyway so is short term "problem" if you like...

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