INvitation to my dad's birthday...please give me advice

[TheArmadillo]

I'm sure some of you are sick to death of hearing me speak about my parents but here I go again...(sorry)

Got invitation to my dad's birthday do - big birthday. Extended family thing.

I haven't spoken to my parents since november and have no intention to. I also haven;t told them that I am pregnant or that I am getting married in a couple of months.

We have been sent an invite. The celebration is quite a way away (we don't have car and there is little train coverage round that area). It assumes we are going and asks us to contact them regarding getting there.

I don't want to go. Dp thinks it's a bad idea.

HOwever it's an extended family thing. there are two outcomes

a) they haven't told family that we do not want anything to do with them and want us to go to keep up appearances. I don't want to play along.

b) they have told family their side (about what a bitch I am, how dp is probably abusing me and how they have done nothing to deserve this) - certain members of family are unlikely to keep their opinions of this to themselves and hell would freeze over before they were on my side (even if they knew the full story).

Am I being a bitch for refusing to go?

Background is I do feel slightly sorry for my dad in that my mum does bully him. But he was the one who used to hit us and other stuff, he encourages her behaviour towards us (me and sis) and has never once stood up for us.s

Plus I've got to face telling them.

Plus I was in a bad mood already and this has further pissed me off.

Plus the assumption that we are going and all that is necessary is to discuss travel arrangements has really fucked me off. No mention of any of the recent stuff.

Card saying a polite 'thank you for the invitation. unfortunately we will not be able to attend.'

And no you aren't being a bitch!

You are not speaking to them. Why would you go to the party? Ignore the invite.

thank you

I actually never thoguht of that

Maybe it is time to go to bed.

either ignore the invite or do a "with regret" RSVP.

You must reply, don't give them anything to criticise you for, and say you can not attend.

Ta

I will reply - I think you are right FAB in that otherwise it gives them further ammo to get me with.

I just wish they'd leave me alone atm.

I agree-don´t go!

Why even consider it?

Especially if it´s only for Hyacinth Bucket reasons.

TheArmadillo

Do not attend under any circumstances, you are really under NO obligation to these people whatsoever. That is easy for me to write though, the hard part here is you truly believing in that fact.

Send them a note explaining you will be unable to attend. End of, no further details.

Like many adult victims of toxic parenting you are still trapped in the fog they created - fear, obligation, guilt.

Your Mum was the main instigator and your Dad was the bystander in that dysfunctional family unit from when you came. Why on earth should you feel at all sorry for the man when he also clearly and utterly failed to protect you from his wife's excesses of behaviour along with hitting you as well. He could have acted but chose not to. What such men do is go into self preservation mode and do nothing for want of a quiet life. He is as much at fault here as your Mum is, he has also done as much emotional and physical harm. The physical scars heal, the mental and emotional scars are another story entirely.

The only way these toxic people will leave you alone is to cut them right out of your lives. They bring nothing positive to it, even something as mundane to most people as an invitation can both annoy and upset you greatly. They will never apologise to you either, they honestly think they have done nothing wrong towards you. Toxic parents never take any responsibility for their actions but are quick to blame others.

TheArmadillo

I wouldn't contact them at all as I've generally found that toxic people thrive on any form of contact and see it as an 'in'. Before you know it you'll be caught up in their dysfunctional web again in some way.

Forget about 'giving them ammo' or trying to appear reasonable. You will be truly free when you truly don't give a feck what they say about you and whether they think you are being reasonable or not.

Someone once told me: "never complain, never explain" and I thought about if for a while before realising it made a lot of sense. Those that love you and 'get' you don't need explanations and who cares about the rest?

Please dont go, you will worry about it before so much You dont have to go you know.

I would send a reply (otherwise they have the excuse of finding out how you're getting there to contact you). If possible it would be a pre-typed card from a shop saying "Sorry I cannot attend" with only your name and their address written by you (making it as impersonal as possible).

Make sure to give them no reason as the last thing you want to do is get drawn into a dialogue with them.

Well done you BTW.

Thanks for these

I think I am going to go with a card just saying not coming and not going to explain it.

The idea of going to it makes me feel sick to my stomach adn is overriding all the feelings of guilt (which proves I'm improving somewhat).

I think when I move house again I won't bother telling them (our landlord wants to sell - though it will take a looooong time at the price he wants so we will have to move at some point). Then they won't even be able to write to me which will be good. At the moment it's about 1 card a week with some excuse on it

I have to reply otherwise I have the fear that they will turn up on my doorstep on the day saying they are here to collect us.

Agree re polite brief card saying you won't be attending. No explanations.

I think replying is a mistake, personally, as it is still contact, which is what they are hoping for. If you send them a reply you are signalling to them that your politeness/social etiquette will ensure that you respond to them under certain circumstances. This will only encourage further contact from them.

If they were to turn up on the day (which they won't) you do the same thing - ignore them. They will soon get the message.

But whatever you do, good luck and I hope it all works out for you.

Not replying to a party invitation is just rude though, plus they may think invite lost in post and send another etc.
The OP has only not spoken to her parents since Nov, it's not years of estrangement.
If my son hadn't spoken to me for 2 months as an adult I wouldn't expect us to never talk again.
I think sending a long letter would open up discussion, but a brief card leaves no room for doubt as to whether invite received or not and gets your message across.

Once you are estranged from someone (and if you have dysfunctional parents) things are somewhat different to when there is a 'normal', functioning relationship.

A dysfunctional person will use a 'normal' person's need to feel decent and polite and their need to 'do the right thing' to manipulate them. The person being manipulated will then come under great strain from other people who don't understand what it is like to have a toxic relative and will encourage them to build bridges or conform to family/societal norms, when it really isn't beneficial to them.

There was a thread on here recently where someone was asking whether they should contact their abusive in-laws (who were truly toxic) and say that they were expecting a child. The didn't want any contact but they wanted to 'do the right thing' in the eyes of extended family members. As soon as the brief note was received the in-laws took it as a sign that the relationship was once again ongoing and started their old tricks, causing the poster and her husband great stress when they had already been through enough.