What Is Wrong With Me?

[ConfuseMe]

Another thread got me thinking and I really would like some opinions on this.

I am separated after a 15 year relationship, part of it married. I had problems with sex from just a few months in. I just seemed to switch off and I don;t know why - very quickly, it became a real issue with DH wanting it, me not wanting it, him sulking, me withdrawing, then doing it for the sake of it (I would sometimes enjoy it but not often) until it got to the point where I was in total avoidance mode and dreaded being alone with DH without an excuse of some sort - hated going on holiday etc because it would always cause an argument. In other respects our relationship was good which is why I suppose we got married, although I was never 100% sure.

Eventually I said I could no longer have a physical relationship with him at all, which he couldn;t agree to (not unreasonably) and so we decided to separate.

Before DH I had several other shortish relationships (none longer than a year or so) and similarly I found myself wanting sex less after a few months than I did at the beginning. Sometimes it was me that ended the relationships and sometimes the other person.

Since I separated I have started seeing someone else and the sex is better than I have ever experienced. The thing is, we only see each other infrequently as we don;t live near each other and both have family commitments, and this is not likely to change for the foreseeable future. On the other hand, I think at some point I would like more - maybe not living together but a bit more commitment than we currently have.

I am wondering now if I just can't DO sex in a co-habiting type relationship, but if so, what's wrong with me? And what do I do about the bit of me that does want the companionship, security and love that comes from a proper "marriage" type relationship?

I feel totally split in two by it, but I don;t really believe that is just a case of "not having found the right person".

I think perhaps you need some sort of therapy or councelling to help you get to the bottom of your sex issues.

If nothing else, I recommend you get on amazon now and order a book called 'the Road less Travelled' by M. Scott Peck. It is my bible and very very good on relationships.

I think, given that you feel there is a problem, you need to find a suitable and friendly psychologist - by which I don't mean any idiot. Get recommendations if you possibly can.

What you describe doesn't sound abnormal, btw. But if you want something different - ie., a relationship with 'a bit more commitment', then you need to work out how to get to that point. A therapist can sometimes help, but so too can thinking about what you deserve. You deserve a relationship of your choice, with the degree of commitment you choose.

Take it slow, maybe get someone to talk to, and don't beat yourself up: you need to do the right thing for you, which isn't always the right thing for other people in your life who might judge.