I told dp there had been someone else

[jazzygirl]

I just need some other views on this as I can't seem to see the wood for the trees.

Dh and I got married around 5 years ago. Even before we got married we were seeing a sex therapist, as our sex life was pretty much non-existent. I had never had problems with my libido before, but from the first time I kissed him I knew there was no chemistry, and he seemed to have problems getting and maintaining an erection. However we tried and tried, as we loved each other, got on really well, had loads in common and in every other way seemed so well suited.

Anyway we got married and the sex side of things got even worse, to the point that for the last 3 years of our marriage sex was used as a bargaining point (eg I would give him a bj or sex if he did the washing up, that kind of thing). He seemed to be climbing the walls for some action every 4-5 days, and I would give him oral sex but hated every minute of it. Not that I didn't love him, just that there was no sexual chemistry, at least none that I was feeling.

Anyway I ended the relationship nearly a year ago (reasons being the sex, and also we were making each other miserable, he was getting more and more critical and anxious and made me feel worthgless). During those first argument-ridden months he said I had no sex drive, had problems with intimacy etc. I met someone else in August and had a 2 month fling with him, loads of lovely sex. It didn't work out with him, but for other reasons. Meanwhile I moved out of our home and into my own, and dp continued to sulk about the break up and tell me it was my fault, I broke up our family, I had intimacy issues, no sex drive etc. I told him I'd been seeing someone else but there was no sex, to spare his feelings.

Until now I have protected him from knowing about sex with the other man, but last week after yet another series of accusations, I told him that I had no problem with my libido, and had a perfectly good physical relationship with this new guy.

He was horrified and hurt and now is acting very hostile towards me. I understand all that, but did I do the wrong thing telling him? I feel awful about it.

OMG

Can you really not see what you have done?

I think it might be best if you separate tbh.

you were split up right from what you say here when the fling happened and you are still apart?

SO, would say not a great thing to say and I understand why he has reacted in such a way.. but if it is over, you need to keep stuff on a simple none emotional level so no need for these emotional outbursts

I don;t think you should have told him, no, but you know sometimes these things come out when things get heated, especially when you feel he has been attacking you and blaming you 100% for the split.

I wonder though, if you are separated, why are you still engaging in these kind of discussions? Are either of you still hoping / thinking you will get back together?

I know exactly where you are coming from on this and it is very difficult not to end up hurting someone when you discover that you can move on to a more fulfilling sexual relationship with someone else.

I think I would apologize and then try not to get drawn into these kind of discussions anymore.

Your poor DH

You married him knowing that there wasn't a sexual spark between you.

I really think that you should end the marriage and then you can both go on and be happy and sexually fulfilled with other people.

No I dont think you were wrong as such You are split up and he is still saying that ITS <strong>you</strong> that has sex issues/libido etc etc and its all your fault over and over again and you turned round after and said "actually i dont cos...."

I can see why you told him the truth. If I read the OP right, you had seperated before this fling and haven't got back with your DH so really it's up to you what you tell him or not.

The benefit of hindsight is a wonderful thing. To my mind, if you were having counselling at the time you got married, things didn't bode well for the long term did they?

Forget about it and if you've not already done so, formalise the seperation.

am i missing something?

why OMG to OP?

DH married OP also knowing there was no sexual spark.

I take it you are still together?

Why?

BTW I don't mean forget about the marriage, I mean forget about what you told him.

I take it they split up a year ago and this happened in August
So what the op does is her business and he is still going on how its her fault .
And the OP was pointing out it was`nt she has no problem because of ....August

agree with motherlovebone. the OPs husband must have been aware of the sexual problems before marriage esp. if they were seeing a therapist, so they are both culpable, for want of a better word

no chemistry and no spark, why get married? you can have a lodger for that !

you have split with him and he is cross you had another lover when you were apart?

i\d be saying 'whatever......'

and let him stew in his own juice.

Thanks for all your replies.
Yes, we split in the spring and the thing with the other guy wasn't until the summer. So technically speaking we were separated by then.
I still feel terrible about it though, and how much I've hurt him by telling him. He has been finding it hard to let go, and has spent all the time since the split telling me it's all my fault, the marriage, the split, the crap sex. I have tried and tried to tell him that one of the main reasons was we have no physical relationship, there's no spark, but he denies it and blames me and my low sex drive. That's why I told him, I guess I wanted him to wake up and smell the coffee. But the context of the conversation was that I was saying to him that by living in a sexless marriage we are both missing out on so much, and that if he met someone else he would realise that. To which he did the usual blamey thing, and I lost my rag and told him that I'm not deficient in that area, it's US, not ME, that is the problem.
With hindsight I married my soulmate and we both thought the sex thing would resolve itself. But it became the elephant in the room and I couldn't live like that for ever. And if he was honest with himself he would say the same. I really love this man, it's been so difficult to split up and hurt him like this but it wasn't a real relationship. Unless I'm just being idealistic and all marriages end up sexless, but I don't believe they do.

Also to clarify, we're not together any more. But something Canadadry said has made me think that he still wants the relationship to work and just won't accept it's over. I'm constantly having to justify why we split (I ended it). But other than complain, he's not made any attempt to repair things (which are irreparable anyway, in my opinion), has just gone into victim mode and blamed me. And the fact that I'm sat here worrying about it, worrying about him and feeling tearful, does suggest that perhaps I've not totally accepted it either.
It was like a father/daughter kind of relationship, he was big and protective and kept me on the straight and narrow. And I often felt like I was the child, which was comforting and nice but did not translate in the bedroom! I feel guilty that although we both knew there were sexual problems before we got married, the real problem was that he fancied me and I didn't fancy him. And that's a bloody difficult thing to tell someone 5 years down the line.