Lost

[sweetexpectation]

Hi All,
I am wondering if anyone can give me advice regarding my relationship with my DH.

We have been together for about 6 years and have one child.things started to go wrong about 2 years ago, in my opinion as i see it now it has always been not an ideal relationship as i have to be the one making all the decision, being the responsible one, i didnt want to pressure him as he says he is not the type of person who can handle stress.About two years ago i realised that i am the one making all the decision and that it should be 50-50,told him that but he started acting strange and having unplanned baby didnt help,(on his side) as i am perfectly happy with my baby.

He has always been the kind of guy who doesnt say awful things but makes you say awful thing with his attitude, his lack of commitments to things. Lately he says i have a very twisted mind for thinking such and such things but he is the one that does stuff/dont do stuff that makes me wonder about things . He is grampy and he is both emotional and phyisically distant.

The thing is if i say to him its over he will say if you say so, so like always making me take the responsibility of ending it
I just dont know what to do any help is appreciated.

First of all, congratulate yourself on being the adult in this relationship. Really - well done! You, unlike your DH it seems, have both insight and power.

He might always leave the decisions to you - in fact, he probably will. Perhaps when you accept that completely, you will give yourself the freedom to change the way things are. It's in your hands.

Thank you.
Deeply i feel that i only have two choices, either i walk out or stay and continue being the responsible one.

I cant walk out as i have no family here and not much of a money, i feel helpless.

Letting things carry on the way they are makes me mad and scare me to know that i cant relay on the one person i choose to spend the rest of my life with.

Or you can be the responsible one by walking out.

I'm not equipped to tell you about the support you can ask for or expect if you did; but someone should be able to help you here.

All I know for sure is that there would be help for you ... it's just a matter of knowing where to find it or who to ask.

Wow - lunch - what a philosophical attidue - brilliant - wish I were more like that in that you can see the benefit in situations.

If you're happy about being in control then that's OK as long as it's clear to him that your decisions are the binding ones if he decides to take a back seat.

However, if you're saying that you're soooo busy running the family that you don't have time to run your life (ie no money) then that needs to be sorted out. Or if you feel helpless in this role and unsupported then that also needs talking about.

Is he very laid bad or really just uninterested?

givetango- he is laid back, like the yesterday he was upset because he got one wrinkle under his eye, where as i have plenty and i am just 24, he said thats due to stress.

He is the one working now as i am on maternity leave,he feels like all the burden is on him.He wants to be on top of things but dont want to work for it, i seriously wonder sometimes how he is able to think that,wants to be rich but he wants to get money the easy way and now work like everone else, wants me but as long as i take full responsiblity on handling things.

WNLB i agree on what you have said, i cant get help from here as i am EU nation, would need to go back in order to get help from gov, i feel the last couple of years i spent here building life would just be a waste.

I guess the thing thats holding me back is that i invested so much in this relationship just to throw it away,at the end of the day it will be my loss as he will get what he wants, no wife no child, just him and maybe possibly a woman like me who is ready to cater his needs.

So you are saying that you can only lose by leaving? From where I'm sitting (and, I admit, it's very far from where you are, so I am willing to be perfectly wrong), you have so much to gain: your autonomy, an increased sense of self-worth, the opportunity to open yourself up to experiences where you are valued and admired - and openly loved.

Looked at another way, perhaps these couple of years have been preparing you for something that you weren't expecting: a path back to yourself ... and the strength and faith to realise that you are, indeed, better than all of this.

It's a frightening thing when the power to make change lies in your hands - whether and how you want to use it. And, as terrifying as it is, it also gives you the potential for a freedom that, until now, you haven't exercised.

Simple, not easy. It's far easier for me to be writing this than for you to be living it ... but I've done something similar in the past, and I cannot tell you how grateful I am for it all!

WNLB you make alot of sense, thank you once again, i am best advice giver( from what friends say) i just dont seem to practice what i preach, i guess i just need to find my inner strength, its just so hard when someone you love wipes all the energy and determination you once had.

You're very welcome! Courage and strength!