What have I done to deserve this?

[Annieoz]

In a nutshell, my husband confessed to me last October he had been having an affair for over a year with a work colleague (a client, he works away in her area 3 days a week). Of course I was devastated, I had even confronted him twice because I suspected. We agreed to go away on a holiday that was already booked and it was a nightmare. Whilst away I asked if he could move out to his sisters for a little time while I got my head around what was happening. He then turned it all around on me - he had to make a 'decision' (I thought it was OW or me, he says it was whether he could live with the guilt of what he'd done). Two weeks later he came home to say he was never coming back. 2 days later he came home begging us to have him back because he had suddenly realised what he was missing.

I loved him so took him back. We had six weeks back together - which included a really romantic weekend away, beautiful flowers, clothes (I've lost 5 stone and he treated me to new outfits). But we tried to deal with his affair differently - he wanted to sweep it all under the carpet and not talk about it, I couldn't, I HAD to ask questions and raise it most days.

Cut a long story short, he left on 2nd Jan, said HE couldn't take the mental torture any more!

I then discovered an email a couple of days after he'd moved out from him to her, declaring undying love, how he was and always had been prepared to leave everything and everyone behind just to be with her. She told him all the way thru she would never leave her partner, my husband obviously believed himself more important and thought he would be the one to convince her otherwise (this is her 4th affair).

Things have now turned really unpleasant - he treats me like a dog you kick on the floor, wants the house sold, almost to erase me from his life.

This is the person who professed his love to me every day since he came home, told me he would always love me but was struggling with his guilt.

We have a 16yo and her world has fallen apart as well.

Someone please tell me what I have done, other than stand by him for 21 years, taken him back from his infidelity - why am I being treated like this? Is this common? He refuses to talk about it even now.

I am so devastated that our lives have suddenly changed forever, all because of his own self-important.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhh!

Sorry - feeling a little self-pity today.

Yes its common, and no you havent done anything to deserve this of course not!
He is an absolute almighty twunt!!!!
Sorry have got to run but didnt want to leave this unanswered will be back later, and am sure you will get more advice !

You have done nothing to deserve this. He needs to make it your fault because it gets him off the hook. Do not lose sight of the fact that HE chose to do this.

You did nothing to deserve this. He is trying to make the issue with you - when really it was him who was so weak and useless that he chose to do what he felt like and ignore his responsibilities.

Walk away from the life you had. Decide what you want for you and your daughter. Your bottom line. And don't battle just for the sake of it. Maybe a house move would be good for you two girls - you could get a smaller place, do it up as a girly pad for example.

Whatever you do though, do not go backwards. He is so self obsessed talking about his guilt - poor lamb (NOT). Totally ignoring what result his actions have had to everyone else.

Of course you have not done anything to deserve it.

Imho, you are being treated like that because you tolerate it. Sorry that sounds harsh and preachy, but it is what it is. He is in a cycle of habit and that probably won't change.

So (again imho) the only, only way to not be treated like that by him anymore is to end it permanently. The materialistic consolation prizes don't really patch over the emotional damage he has done, do they?

Talking about it after he said he didn't want to...this is maybe out of my league. One: it may have been a mistake on your part to seemingly continuously bring it up (some might suggest "throwing it back in his face"). On the other hand, forbidding the subject (for you ) wouldn't necessarily mean that it was forbidden for him (still his habit, you know). At the end of these and probably numerous other perspectives on this one issue (talking about it), it may be declared that this 'rule' is more manipulation on his part to meet his purposes. If you notice that your role in his perspective of his life has diminished significantly, that is because it probably has. You don't really exist here, it is all about him.

"He is erasing you from his life" does work on a two way street: He will therefore be erased from your life and that may not be a bad thing.

It is sad that you didn't get "happily ever after"

but you can recover (and dd too) and move on to happier times.

Don't apologise for feeling down - you'd have to be made out of stone not to be. IME, previously loving men who turn viscious, nasty and contemptuous when a relationship breaks down (as opposed to at least being civil about it, i.e. no name calling, no spite) do so because deep down they know they've behaved badly, but are too cowardly to admit their part in proceedings. It is far easier if they can convince themselves - and often their friends, family & colleagues too - that you "deserved" to be treated like that .... that you bought it upon yourself. It's as if by treating you like a bit of scum it must be true IYWIM. I also think that some men won't take responsibility for making the final break - fearing losing face and/or their popularity - so instead behave so appallingly that in the end you tell them to get out, and thus you, not him, can be cast in the role of "bad guy".

Sadly even after a very long time people can still change and change for the worst. Obviously after 21 years this is a huge shock but it really does sound as if you'd be better off without him. Blowing hot and cold as he has done, when you were both supposed to be trying to repair things is actually very cruel. I also wonder if because the OW didn't really want him, he took out his anger at that rejection on you ?

Whatever the reason(s) behind it though I'm afraid it is reasonably common for someone you thought you knew to "turn". It's no reflection on you and I really hope that within the next few weeks you start to get angry - rather than questionning what it is that you've done or not, start telling yourself that the lying nasty little (insert whatever is appropriate here) doesn't deserve you ! You behaved responsibly by giving him another chance to save a long marriage - and he threw that back in your face. How dare he ! I'd hazard a guess that in the run up to Xmas the only reason (sorry) he wanted to come back was because OW would be tied up with her family and he was feeling sorry for himself all "alone" and without someone to cook, wash and clean for him.

Perhaps you might consider counselling for yourself ?

God that's awful. Of course you don't deserve it.

Everybody has given great advice, to which I would only add that if he is so keen to erase you from his life, he must be made aware that this means you now become a free agent, to make whatever decisions you see fit, and to meet and indeed shag other men.

That's probably the last thing you actually want to do right now but make it clear to him that you could.

He doesn't get to have the best of both worlds.

Oh Annie, you have done nothing to deserve any of this. Instead, you have done so much to be proud of - please keep reminding yourself of this truth, every day.

You accepted his indecision and offered a route to forgiveness - and he treated you with cruelty and contempt. What ever you do, do not berate yourself for seeking answers to your many questions about the affair - everyone recovering from infidelity needs to do this and the truly contrite spouse is willing to answer those questions and invest the time repairing broken trust. The "mental torture" he describes is, of course, just an excuse.

Try to see this as a script that so may betrayers follow. They cannot justify this behaviour to others or themselves, so they conveniently "re-write history" about the state of the relationship pre-affair and they have to reduce you as a person to treat you with such inhumanity afterwards. It has nothing to do with you This is all about him, his choices, his weakness and his behaviour.

The best way of dealing with him is to treat him with polite contempt. Keep your dignity, don't beg him to reconsider, hold your head up high and keep all the truth in your mind. If you can, tell him it's a relief this has finally come to a head and you now want to start a new life too - as Morris says, that will include other partners. Your 5 stone weight loss is going to spur you on too - I bet you actually feel more attractive and healthier than you have for years, despite this torment.

Keep saying it - this is not about you!

You will continue to feel totally at sea until you start to take a bit of control of the situation and try and work out what it is that would want, given the circumstances, and act on it. This came as complete revelation to me after 6 months of hell when my GP kindly pointed it out.

The whole blame game is horrible. My DH is desperate for me to officially accept some blame for our situation (complex and not similar to yours) and I keep thinking "who cares whose fault it is, it's just a tragic situation".

Refuse to play that game. It sounds like his fault, you may feel there are some things you regret doing, but really what does that acheive? Its just a tragedy and you need to make some decisions about what's best for your and your dd and not get bogged down in who said what when

How awful for you.

It sounds like(from a brief reading) that the ways you tried to cope with the affair, really kicked everything off.

He was being unrealistic by 'sweeping everything under the carpet'- to recover from affairs people need to really communicate about it all honestly..if he wasn't prepared to do that..well...

But did he understand WHY you wanted to talk about it all..or as another poster said, he would interpret that as throwing it in his face etc...which is totally unfair, obviously!
it seems he just wanted to try and get on and pretend nothing was wrong- that's not how you can build a relationship after an affair.

What are your thoughts now...are you ok?

There is a poster on here called whenwillifeelnormal..(I think)...she has really good advice- I started a thread because my DSis found out her partner was having an affair- I'll check I have her name right then you can look up her posts- she puts things really well, might be helpful.

Yeah that's her name- WhenwillIfeelnormal- she is really nice to chat to.

jem, WWIFN (as she is affectionetely known) already posted on this thread

and you are completely right about her