I'm an ex-heroin addict and I'm falling.

[Nemofish]

Put this in relationships as it's all about my mum really.

It's half two in the morning and I can't sleep for thinking so I come downstairs and down 4 nurofen plus and around 20ml of medised (seriously! I have a diphrenthingy addiction fondness).

I was brought up to feel totally worthless, as I have mentioned on other threads, I was abused by an older boy as a child and my step dad was shall we say fucking creepy innapropriate with me when he was pissed from about the age of 11 onwards. Mum knows but frankly couldn't give a flying fuck.

I was an anorexic at 13, depressed and self harming at 16 and addicted to heroin by the age 0f 19. At 20 I did methadone as well and at 22 I also dabbled with crack cocaine. I didn't give a shit, I wanted to die. I hated myself.

I walked out on my druggie boyfriend (who introduced me the wonderful world of 'trainspotting' as a lifestyle) went back home and things started to get better. Mum was nice to me. I was probably a few weeks away from dead so I had to go home. I met my lovely husband and that made me determined to get better, so I did, gave up all the drugs and clawed back some self esteem. Went back to work.

Heard less and less from mum, finally it was like it was when I ran away left at 16. She forgot about me.

When I got pg I realised I had to protect my dd from my mother. (she was physically violent with me, rough with me as a baby, slapped me across the face etc) I did the no contact thing and have had bile and hatred from her ever since on the rare occasion she sends a guilt tripping Xmas card in the style of a poor me frail old lady (she is not. she knocked my step dad who is ten years younger than her, out cold with one punch once).

I was born in canade and she brought me to england when i was around 4. Turns out she never made me 'legal' in this country and as employment law has changed in this country I found out and now I have to apply for british citizenship or I can't work. I needed documents from her (the fact she is british is my 'claim' to citizenship) and she didn't see why she should help (her words) but 'after yet another sleepless night' decided she would help me (how kind).

I got a 'new' original birth certificate and found out that she changed my name at some point. She has never bothered to tell me this. I have a half brother in canada, (my dad's son) she didn't tell me until I was 15 cos she forgot.

I had to have all my teeth removed apart from 4 at the front when I was 6years old as they were all rotting. She had never got me to brush my teeth or bought me a toothbrush.

I know she is at the very least on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder spectrum. I know I need to move on from this, but I am crumbling, I am so angry and hurt, I use tablets at night to sleep so I don't have anxiety and panic attacks. I'm slipping into the old ways of coping. I would never touch heroin again, nor is it available to me, but by god am I a pill popper.

Would I get anything out of 'confronting' her and telling her what I think, being sensible but expressing my anger? I am drowning and I don't know what to do.

I have big friends who obviously I would bring along too!

She sounds absolutley horrendous. You had a terrible time and its no wonder you tried to cope in the way that you did.

It is fantastic you have come this far and tried so hard to sort yourself out.

I can see why you think confronting her might be helpful - but if she didnt acknowledge your pain that might make things worse for you???

Your are getting some really helpful and knowledgeable advice from others on this thread so I hope some of it helps you work how best to stop yourself from 'crumbling' any further.

Unmumsnet hug {{{}}} and I shall add your name to my spreadsheet list of MNetters to send positive vibes too!

Thank you hun.

Hi nemo hows u today? im still watching this thread with interest.

Hi Nemo,

Just wanted to add my thoughts having read your OP
I'm not sure that confronting your mother over the past would help?- sounds like she is a lost cause in the empathy stakes- you have my sympathy, you have been through so much, and sounds like you have already come through that dark tunnel...you just need to find coping strategies to keep you on the path, and help you stay strong in the face of adversity and those painful memories.

Have you ever considered writing everything down?...I mean like a book perhaps?...I think this might be really therapeutic for you, and would help you to record and acknowledge everything that happened to you, reducing the need for all those painful memories to eat you up inside.

For what its worth I think you sound incredibly well balanced and intelligent, and I wish you all the best. x

Nemo,
I have no experience of any of this direct or indirectly, but I clicked on your post, read it and and think you are fooking awe inspiring. I like your writing style too.
Hoping the other mners are giving you less crap more constructive help to get you through.

I never can do a strike through

less crap

Hi Nemo, I really do feel for you. Hang in there.
I do have some suggestions as I have been in a similar situation to you - destroying myself with booze and eating disorders because the anger I felt towards my family was literally EATING ME ALIVE.

I had done years and years of talk therapy and antidepressants but that didn't help - the more I talked about it, the more angry I became.

What helped me was the 12 step program - this completely turned my life around - steps 4 through to 9 deal with and heal past hurts caused by disfunctional relationships. I want to be honest with you - I cried for two years on and off and experienced terrible grief and loss whilst coming to terms with everything. But it did come to an end and now my family have NO POWER over me - nothing. I don't hate myself any more. And incredibly I don't hate my family either even though they haven't changed at all or acknowledged there behaviour. But that's what the 12 step program can do - free you from the past and from anger. And obviously from addiction!

Seconded re: 12 steps

Tbh I think a lot depends on the type of support you have - each fellowship group has its own character (and some are just whine festivals!) but, if you find a way of doing the steps in a way that feels thorough to you, the programme can fix a great deal more than addiction.

If you're loaded (or can convince the NHS/insurance company to pay), I recommend the Priory which is where I started mine.

There's a wealth of 12-step books out there, too.

• shocking writing there by Grace. I meant: a 12-step group, which suits your individual needs & style, can lead you to resolve the problems that prompted the addiction.

IME, NA groups tended to be both more relaxed and more in-depth than the other 'Anonymouses'. I liked them a lot.

NA saved one of my ex-boyfriend's life.

It helped him find peace with himself, his past and with life as a recovering heroin addict and narcotics abuser.

Wishing you peace, too.

Not sure about 12 step program, guys...

However in my next breath I am about to say that the pill popping is getting worse. Have explained to dh about the 'grieving process' I am going through (to prepare him for any odder than usual behaviour. He is largely unaware of my pill habit I think, I haven't told him as I don't want him to worry about me using heroin again (ironic, I know).

I think that I have accepted that for the moment this is the way it is until I have dealt more fully with my feelings. On the upside I do feel like I have more 'tools' to do the hard work with.

There's no way I'm going to criticise you for using, Nemo. You have a massive amount to deal with, and they call it "self medication" for a reason Codeine won't kill you as fast as injectable substances, and it's clean.

All the same, I'd like to gently encourage you to try out an NA meeting, see if you can get a bit of support from people who know. You don't have to be off your stuff, or to do anything while you're there. They're not like what you see on TV!

All the best.