OK husband moved back in nearly a year ago; in fact we are almost at the anniversary of the day he told me he did not want me at all and was going to live with other woman. However, she changed her mind and he moved back home (from his mothers) much to the relief of our three boys. To start with he was mourning the loss of his 'soul-mate' then he just felt overwhelming guilt at what he had put me and boys through. I think, with the help of antidepressants, I was able to give him a little space to work through this. Perhaps it is rel;event to add that it was as recently as last September that I KNOW he has lied, and that he still is conveniently unable to get into his hotmail/facebook to reassure me about content. The woman still works for the same company, but is based at a different office. His work is pretty mobile, I have no idea where he is at any time. He plays a lot of sport (two or three times a week weather dependent). I am a student, working largely from home (on a hefty scholarship so am contributing significantly to finances). My social life revolves around dog walking with a couple of close friends and the very occasional night out (last week was the first time in months and was fab!)
We have tried counselling (and I have had some alone). He does not like it, does not want to do it, and to be honest we really cannot afford it right now. I have tried to give him some concrete things that would help to make me feel loved and secure, some of these he has done. the easy ones like texting me once a day, asking me when he gets in how my day has gone, and trying to give me a hug (I will come back to that one later). The bigger things, well nothing. he has not arranged an evening out, he has not suggested we walk together when the sun shines on the snow, he has not agreed to counselling, he has not read anything I have asked him to, or that the counsellor has asked him to.
What have I done, well I am once again making a huge effort to give up smoking (three days so not bad at all!). I failed to get off the antidepressants (he sees those as a sign of weakness) but am now fairly stable on half the dose I was on. I have failed to lose weight having regained the weight I lost when all this blew up. I will never be able to be the sporty partner he would like. I fail to respond with love to his hugs and have this huge barrier that I keep in between us.
Anyway - long introduction!!!
I am scared, I don't trust him, and have not really forgiven him (he has said sorry). I can't see how I can possibly trust him unless I feel loved. He says he loves me (only when sex or tears are on the agenda), but then when he does I am sometimes utterly unable to make my self reply. I do not feel loved. I do not feel lovable. All the things he has said about not loving me, finding me unattractive, having sex with me only because he felt sorry for me, etc etc are in my head. It does not help that I can 'see' him in each room fo the house saying things, he slept in our bed when exhausted after 'tyhe best night of his life' with her in a hotel, she sat in his car - and we always used to hold hands when he drove, but now he most just wish it was not me there next to him.
Before all this we had a good marriage, an excellent sex life (unless I was knackered as a result of three kids!), and were physically very affectionate. Friends and family were very shocked when he left. On the other hand, there have been occasions when he has put his sport ahead of me, hurtful ones like carrying on with a game of cricket when I miscarried our child. I have not felt like the most important thing in his life for many years.
Last night I had another crying etc episode (now about once a week I guess). I asked him to imagine seeing the OW every day and knowing that he was not good enough for her every time. That is how I feel.
I know people will say move on and separate (don't want to, we cannot afford two homes close enough for the boys and I think I still love him), do counselling (no way that will happen). I feel so stuck and lonely. He wants to just ignore everything and go back to 'normal' how can I?
He is here. He says he will not leave, I think that is guilt speaking. I know I do not make him happy, maybe he does love me but I hate me right now.