Divorce.. mediation or not

[alvin]

My relationship with my h was always one of me looking after him like i was his mother,and him controlling everything, so after 20 years and a very nasty accident i decided enough was enough, i slept on the sofa for 18 months as he refused to leave the house claiming everything was all his, house, cars furniture and i had to f o out and leave the children..(this he said in front of them) 7 and 10, so after that 18mths we left, I had to struggle to find the deposit for rent and still struggle everymonth to find the money for living. I went to a solicitor whom is ok to get divorced but I have to do everything through mediation with him, which is awful. He wont pay a penny for his children he got himself sacked from his job because he believes this will mean i still dont get anything, he has a massive amount of money in the bank so he doesnt need to work for years and years.. am i better off finding a new lawyer borrowing some money and getting out of mediation? He refuses to take any responsibility for them or me.... I have made been made to feel worthless for so long that i am beginning to think that he is right....please what do i do?

I'm a great believer in mediation usually, but in your circumstances, I would ask around for the most ruthless solicitor to be had and borrow to pay for him/her if necessary.
I think your exh sounds as though he would try to undermine you in mediation and have nil respect for the process. You don't need the pressure of going through it with him.
Good luck!

Sorry, coming to this late. Agree with Cloudedyellow. Mediation only helps if both parties are prepared to accept compromise. I therefore suspect he's doing it just to slow everything down. How can you possibly mediate with someone who is so vindictive he made himself unemployed in order to deprive his wife and children?

If you're married you legally own everything jointly, and he does owe maintenance for the children if he's on their birth certificate; it doesn't matter what he says, nor who earned it nor who owned it before you married, you have rights to a share of it now. He may not be required to pay you spousal maintenance if he's not working, but he can't sit there in the marital home with all the assets and masses of cash while you are struggling to keep your children. If they're not his it may affect the settlement but you are still entitled to something. Hope your solicitor is more than just "ok".

There's a legal forum on here which you should probably post this on. You'll get more practical advice there. This being Relationships, I can only say what a horrible, horrible man, and even being in poverty must be better than still living with him.

Alvin you do NOT have to go to mediation, so do not let your H bully you into it. If you think it would be in your interests to do this via a solicitor acting for you then you may take that route, and I would agree with the other posters that mediation does not sound like it is going to work for you.

Yes, it will be more expensive going through a solicitor, but you should qualify for some Legal Aid if you are on a low income.

Have you seen a solicitor to find out if you are eligible? Most firms who specialize in Legal Aid will give you a free consultation to see if you would qualify.

LA does need to be paid back at the end but avoids the costs as you go along.

I always thought mediation was a good thing. I have seen a few different solicitors recently with a view to starting divorce (free initial appointments) and of the three, two said mediation was a good idea and one said that, in my case (as my husband is a bully) that it would not be a good idea. I was told, even though I have no income, that would not qualify for legal aid, as I had some savings. My H earns six figure salary and does not wish to give me a penny after a ten year marriage and two children, while I am unemployed, so costs of fighting it out (which it will be with him) through solicitors would cost me alot of money. Money that is important to me for helping me with future housing etc. I am confused about mediation now myself.

If you have doubts about mediation regarding your h's integrity,forget mediation and get the best solicitor you can and get what you are entitled to....

If there is a fair bit of equity in your home, it will be sold and you, as the SAHM and primary carer will get the lions share. I paid my solicitor at the end, when house was sold and I had my share.

I was made to feel worthless for being SAHM also, just to justify his affair but now have my own home, have retrained etc etc. Could not have imagined any of these things 2 years ago....

Totally agree with cloudedyellow, every word.

autumnlight, that happened to me - we went to mediation, he bamboozled both me & the mediator, I was stuck with an agreement that was in no way beneficial to me (and he got away with the assets he'd hidden). I was worried about the cost of fighting but, if I'd been a little less broken down at the time, would have been able to get a solicitor to work for minimal fees + a share of my settlement. It wasn't millions, but at least you know your lawyer's motivated that way

Also check out whether your employers have a legal support scheme. They often cover some of the divorce work. Your credit cards, home insurance and any premium (fee-paying) bank accounts may have legal help built-in, too.

Thank you all so much for your posts...we had a mediation meeting yesterday to supposedly discuss finances, he came in without any of the forms that he was supposed to bring and then proceeded to say again that i wasnt entitled to anything. Luckily the mediator said that this just wasn't working and that we will now have to go through solicitors. He then started back tracking and saying that he would bring all required documents to the next meeting! I hope we don't have to do mediation again as i have done my very best with trying to work this out but after every session I have come away in floods of tears because of the bullying tactics.
I will take your advice and post on the legal wall....I can't thank you enough for all your comments..xx