When you decide it's over ... what do you do next?

[WastedYouth]

I suppose this has been a long time coming but last night I was sat on the sofa reading a book and DH was on the PC playing solitair I said "This book is actually really good ... " (making conversation I suppose) and he replied " ... what's it about?"

Then this happened:

me: "It's about this woma... "
him: "oh right"

I decided there and then that I've had enough. He NEVER listens to a word I say. He's boring, controlling, selfish, childish and I've just had enough.

Like I say, it's been a long time coming, it's not just this one incident that has triggered it all.

But my mind is made up ... so what do I do now? do I tell him? do I wait until I can find a place of my own? (we're talking months, maybe even over a year) ... do I carry on as normal, pretend everything is fine and then drop it on him when I know I can leave sharpish? I feel a bit trapped now.

If you're not in one of those abusive situations where you'd be scared of his reaction, I'd tell him I wanted out, but your DH wouldn't listen anyway... Do you have children? What/when would you tell them?

A good starting point is to work out the practicalities. Find out your legal rights, who gets what, where you want your life going next, points for negotiation. Then test drive some solicitors specialising in family law, find one you are comfortable with. He'll have to pay attention to a solicitor's letter.

Some untrusting souls might say get hold of his financial details before he realises divorce is on the cards, in case he starts squirrelling it away.

Well, we have a joint account which needs both signatures to withdraw from so that's pretty safe. I also have some private savings (secret, if you like ... as I say, it's been on the cards for a while) so I do have my own money to fall back on.

He's not abbusive but he's very controlling and petty and I think if I tell him, he'll make my life hell until I leave.

The children are mine, not his so there wouldn't be anything to negotiate there.

I just want to be by myself, concentrate on myself for a while and perhaps find someone I have more in common with in the future.

Here is a great example of how much we clash ...

DH is a keen bird-watcher/bird feeder/bird admirer ... I'm absolutely shit scared of them. I have a phobia of flying insects/animals and I just can't go near them.

So, the other night we're sat watching TV and the program finished ... I'm flicking through the channels and said to him "oh look, Shallow Grave is on at 9pm ... shall we watch that?"

He replied "but bird watching is on at the same time, shall we watch that instead?"

FFS ... I'm 28, not 68.

work all the details out in your head...thats what i did. and save some money.

I read this and had to laugh (please don't take it the wrong way!).

My H is the same. Try to make conversation in the evening, if I get Yes, No or a grunt that is something!

At least I don't have to endure bird watching...!

I lost the plot before Christmas and told him that I'd had enough, and that I wanted out. He's now having counselling and trying to sort himself out. But....the question I have been asking myself for the past month is, is it too late?

You need to do what you feel is right. I can see that you are in a very unhappy relationship. He probably takes everything you do for granted and doesn't help out much. If he is anything like H he'll come home from work, get changed and sit infront of the box. I am 36 and am not living another month like this, let alone another 10 years.

You have to be strong (sounds like you are). The next few weeks will be awful, but you will at some point find more strength. I have over the past couple of weeks and am now stronger than when I met H.

It'll all fall into place, eventually.

xx