Can kids kill Relationships.

[NotAPollyanna]

I have been with my partner for almost twenty years and our relationship was wonderful with the normal ups and downs of course but still loving and all I wanted. Since having our first kid over eight years ago, we now have three, the relationship has gone from bad to worse and I don't know where, what or how it has gone so wrong but I think it started with the first year of phenomenally bad sleep deprivation and has just got worse and worse. There have been some other bad stuff to deal with such as serious financial problems and bereavement, illness etc but that is life.

I know babies can test couples but can kids actually kill a relationship? Does this make any sense. I think I am desperate to sort this out. My dh was everything I wanted and I want us back so much. I don't want anyone else and neither does he. I really want to get through this and I believe he does to but we are so lost and I don't know if we can find the way again. just want to know if it is possible to fix when it feels so desperate and we are so physically exhausted.

It is amazingly common.

What people don't tell you is that you have to actually sit down and allocate time to you and your dh; completely artificially carve it out of the week.

Otherwise, it can go very pear-shaped. you are just so busy that you, the couple, come last.

It's almost boring to repeat this, but this is exactly what Relate is for.

It's so common that there is a whole repertoire for helping you find your way back to each other. And it's not just about getting a good night's sleep, or making sure you spend some time alone together, though that will be on the agenda.

Thank you. I am just so devastated, I am scared I don't love him any more and I am fooling myself because I can't face being a single parent. But when we argue it feels like my life is over and when we make up I feel normal again. I used to be so smug about my perfect relationship. I really believed I had my soul mate and I felt like that for years and years not just in that first flush.

I would love to hear from other people who have been through this and come out the other side still together. I think I need to feel we have a chance to find the energy to sort this out.

Well, if there isn't anything seriously horrible going on ... a good place to start is to sit down, the pair of you, and try and think of what it is you liked about each other when you first met, and what you like about each other now.

Mind you, I do think Relate is a good, safe place to do that sort of thing. I'm sure you could do it at home but ... I wonder if it's a bit like trying to cut and dye your own hair.

Because you will, at some point, have to deal with things that are awry at the moment. And if they are unexpectedly difficult, it can be really good to have a third party there to help you through it.

You definitely have to make time for just the two of you, but also to enjoy your children together- do you not feel that is a shared bond, taking pleasure in all their little quirks etc?

Yes

I find it interesting that a lot of people posting on here about the same thing have been married a long time but actually had children relatively late in the marriage.

That must make a difference, if you've been just the two of you for over ten years then the shock of how a child changes the dynamic can be enormous I imagine, children, especially babies are all consuming and having three in such a short time must take it's toll.
I do think that taking time for each other is the most important piece of advice.

Relate, or a good self help book , is defintitely a good idea.

The joy that comes when your children are old enough to bugger off be independant is indescribable.
Get the kids into beavers/cubs/scouts or similar, that guarantees the odd weekend away from you.

Date nights are another way of reclaiming yourselves as a couple, even if it's just a case of putting the kids to bed , having a nice meal/bottle of wine etc. and having an early night.

NAP, you chose a good name! I feel you're right not to be "Pollyanna-ish" - largely because I don't think you can fix life problems by pretending they're not there. It's interesting that you experienced money problems, bereavements and suchlike during the years your children were small. Yes, "that's life" but these things knock you around some.

I don't know what age you are, but a swift estimate would put you at around 40. There's a reason why the 'mid-life crisis' exists. It's the point where we start to evaluate the first half of our lives, review how well we feel we've matched up to our own expectations, and begin to make revisions & plans for the second half. It is also the age at which "real life" comes home to roost. People we love start to die - and, however well prepared you were, the first close bereavement is a bastard. Money problems become more threatening, in the light of our life review situation, and we feel a greater sense of urgency around any ambitions we still hold, but have yet to fulfil. It's quite heavy going for most people.

So, yes, "that's life" as you say, but you'd have to be a spectacularly shallow individual to sail untouched through all these life events!

As you're not shallow, you feel all the effects despite trying to dismiss them. With all this - very interesting, but emotionally challenging - stuff going on, you've also raised 3 kids: one of the greatest challenges known to mankind! I bet you're tired

Other people have offered good advice on the coping with parenting front. I'd like to add that it's extremely important for you & DP - separately and together to take plenty of time out. Discuss the big stuff, along with the small stuff. Get away for romantic weekends. Make some new plans. This business does matter, for it will determine how you navigate the next 20 years or more. You both deserve more attention - in yourselves, and from each other - so start prioritising.

Thank you all for your advice and I know you are right. However, as much as my dh makes the right noises about us spending more time together, he never acts on it and is really just paying lip service to date nights and such. Its possibly because he is working so hard to get us out of this financial hole we are in and like me gets so shattered and worn down by the demands of each day that we quite simply flake out as soon as we get a spare second to do anything.

I am in my late thirties and lost my mum when my first dc was 1, which I took very hard but very quietly, I really didn't talk about it much. To be fair we have had a tremendous amount of shit happen to us although are very lucky to have three healthy children. But feeling like I have lost the man I married is the worst thing to happen to me and I desperately want us back not just for me but to show my dc the loving relationship we once had. It breaks my heart that they have never seen that. Life us knocked us and we don't know how to get back up again. And sometimes, more often recently, I feel not only do I not know him but I hate him, which is terrible. It is hard to have a date night when you feel like that.

NAP - That is so sad.
I really have no idea how your marriage will work out in the long run but it does sound well within the parameters of normal from your post. Obviously, not "normal" in a good way, but suffering from the stresses of life.

Illness and death take huge bites out of us, and pull (can) pull us away from those we share our lives with, just because sometimes communication breaks down at this point.

Looking after a family and working also pull us away from each other, we can become quite instrumental in it all, and forget that we started this family as an act of love. As BitofFun suggested, there is so much joy to be had being together, as a family. It's really easy to forget that because it can be such hard work just keeping it all going. But the potential for joy is real - it's why most of us did it in the first place.

Sometimes you have to stop, and ACT, to pull yourselves back to that loving place.

I think you would be pleasantly surprised if you booked some Relate sessions, honestly.

I have been reading this thread and am finding it really interesting. I too have been going through a really difficult period with my dh. We have ds who will be 3 soon and it seems like we constantly argue. I hate exposing ds to shouting and seeing me upset and we have gotten better at talking and not turning everything into a slanging match but I feel it is the resentment that is so hard to let go of. So many horrible things have been said and done (he went out on 2 day benders when ds was very little, I was on my own most of the the time when ds was young - when he was working he was so knackered he slept most of the weekends, all the fights about who is not supporting who I am just so exhausted. The benders stopped after I asked him to leave. But I have come to the conclusion that I have to accept him for who he is and that is so hard to do. We now argue because he feels like I try to get him to do things he doesn't want to do like go to the park, see friends and fanily at weekends - but I do have to admit that he tries to do it but very infrequently does not want every weekend booked with something to do - which I guess if fair enough. My dh has just turned 40 is out of work (is a freelancer) and has tried but as not yet had much success getting a new work project off the ground. I know that he needs support but I do too. I am submitting my PhD, working full time to support us financially. Sorry for the rant I was just inspired by the other stories

I don't think the children do - but what can is how the parents handle the shift in their new lives and roles. It's important not to lose yourselves or each other.

The thing to remember is that for any relationship to last and be succesful requires effort and time and a great deal of work, and that is something that can be neglected when kids come along.

Relationshops have to be looked after, and it sounds like your relationship isn't dead yet, you both need to just invest more time and effort and work into it, seperate from the time and effort that goes into your family as a whole.

I recommed the book 'The Road Less Travelled' by M. Scott Peck.