Advice on step kid

[CrazyKat]

i'll apologise now for any rambling in this post.

my dh and i have a ds 1 and a dd 2, he has a dd 7 from a previous relationship. the problem is she is an absolute nightmare when she doesn't get her own way. she stays with us every weekend and everytihng is fine until she doesn't get her way on anything from what cahnnel the tv is on to what we have for dinner, if she doesn't want it she throws a strop and wants to go home.

my dh thinks that because she only sees him at the weekend and our dd and ds see him everyday (for an hour after he gets home until bedtime if they're lucky) that the weekend should be all about his dd and that she should be kept happy. i keep trying to tell him that you can't do that when he has two other children but as soon as i do he tells me i don't know waht i'm talking about and i'm only saying it because the oldest dd isn't mine. we both know that's bull. i try to treat her as though she's mine which means she has rules and can't have everything her own way. i make sure that our 2 year old has rules and boundries so she knows how to behave so it's only fair that a 7 year old does too and doesn't get special treatment just because we don't see her as much. my dh keeps saying the oldest dd has more rules than the youngest dd which is true - how can anyone expect a 2 year old to understand that you should tidy up your toys when you're done with them? i tell the oldest dd to tidy up her things before she goes home and my dh shouts at me that i should make the youngest dd tidy up as well and he won't listen that at 2 she isn't old enough to understand?

i'm at breaking point, the only time we ever argue is at weekends and it's always about the same thing - his dd (my sd) and that he puts her before our dd and ds and even our marriage. he can't see that while she is important, she's an equal member of out family not the most important. i can't take any more arguing, it's not good for anyone, especially the kids but i don't know what to do. i'm sick of being blamed when his dd says she doesn't want to come when my dh has admitted that she's always been like that - if she doesn't get her own way she threatns not to come - even before we met.

i just don't know what to do, i love my dh and kids so much and don't want to split our family but i just can't take much more. help!

If it helps a huge argument kicked off here a few weeks back because dsd arrived, went on the PC, then as soon as there was a programme she wanted to watch she took herself into the lounge and just switched the TV over. Dh and dsd were in the middle of watching something!

She can't have everything her own way when she's with you, and I don't believe either that the boundaries should be any different for her.

He's not doing her any favours by pandering to it but equally I know from my experience with dh, when you don't see your child very much it is very easy to let things go as you want your time with them to be as lovely as possible.

Your dsd is a carbon copy of mine it would seem.

I have been a stepmum for over 6 yrs now, I love my dsd and treat her as I treat my biological dd.

DSD still does pull the "I want x or I'm not coming" but she also tantrums for her mum, ie school refusal, refuses to do as she is asked etc. It helped when I found out from her mum that this was happening, it gave me a little bit of relief to know that it wasn't just happening for us.

I found it really hard for the first couple of years, DP would always (and still now to a certain extent) indulge her and his reasoning was pretty much the same as your husbands. Shes only here for a couple of days, she can have what she wants....

That doesn't work in a family environment, it causes resentment between the two of you, your children will resent this as they get old enough to understand and your dsd will learn that she can manipulate daddy into doing her bidding because he is scared of losing contact time.

I think compromise is needed on a few things.

Your dp needs to understand that his actions have consequences for all of you. My dp was horrified when the school called us to say dsd was in trouble over a few things. When they said they were going to call us she replied, "so? My daddy will just say I'm a princess and buy me some sweets..."

Since then he has curbed it a little. Although he still spoils her it is not half as bad as it was, althoug I am braver about putting my foot down as well. I don't ask for toys to be picked up for example, I simply state it as fact. "we are going to tidy up now, dsd you need to do x,y and dd you need to do z,z whilst I do this."

I do think that a two year old can help with putting things away, so you could say "dsd I need you to pick up this and that whilst I help dd to do x and y".

That way, it becomes a family activity rather than one child doing a chore whilst the younger one carries on playing.

Is your dsd's mum playing on this though, I mean, when your dsd says she doesn't want to come is she just going along with it rather than sayingno, you are with your dad at x time and me at y time, that is how it is.
Because we found that at first, dsd's mum was not promoting contact so that contributed to the situation and the whole fear of not seeing dsd for my dp. Once things were more amicable her mum began to say no you are going to your dads this weekend and it got easier. There were boundaries set and a routine was established.

dsd's mum lets her do what she wants to keep her quiet. if dsd says she doesn't want to come her mum doesn't make her, just phones my dh saying dsd has said this is happening so doesn't want to come. most of the time dsd is just trying to get something - when my dh and i first got together he would have to take her somewhere or she would refuse to come to stay with him or would scream and cry to go home if he wouldn't let her eat crisps and sweets all day like at home. back then he actually listened to me when i told him to simply refuse to bribe her with getting her own way and she stopped within three weeks. since our dd was born she's returning to the same behaviour but i can't seen to get that through his somewhat thick skull! he's just started saying if i don't change he'll take dsd to his mum's at the weekend - which would basically mean the end of our marriage and family but no matter what i try he won't listen to reason.

when it comes to tidying up i try and involve the dd and dsd by getting them to clean up their own things (ds is not quite 1 and too young to help), dd usually puts the last thing away and promptly get them all back again but she tries - dsd puts a few of her things away then leaves the rest. if i dare to ask her again, dh tells me to stop picking on her even though i've only asked her twice. but when he wants her to (or not to) do something he asks once then shouts thee or four times till she does what he asked - which is okay because dsd is his child but only my dsd

i'm trying to be fair and compromise but it seems i'm the only one - my dh still insisting his behaviour doesn't need changing. i can admit that sometimes i can be a bit too strict with both dd and dsd - i'm an army kid it's how i was raised. i don't think i'm being unreasonable to expect kids to do what they're told. dh expects it from 2 year old dd but not 7 year old dsd, i expect it from both but more so from dsd as she's older.

Sound like my nephew. DB's girlfriend moved in with her DS and set up ground rules for the house. DN who at times can be pretty feral decided he didn't like them. DB and GF held their ground.

WOuld your DH think about some family counselling? Sort of like Relate but specifically for families? It might help to talk about this all a) away from the house and kids and b) with someone completely impartial. Your HV would point you in the right direction.

we have rules for the house and behaviour but dh won't enforce them at weekends with dsd, only dd (and ds when he's older). it's left to me which then makes me the wicked stepmother, even though the same (age appropriate) rules apply to dd. dh doesn't have a problem with me telling dd not to do something only when i tell dsd not to do something.

sometimes i just feel like telling him to leave then he might remember that dsd was the same before we met - i know this because he's told me but conveniantly forgets when he's in a mood coz dsd is throwing a strop.

Sounds like my daughter
Have finally got around to saying no rathe than giving in for an "easy life".

Guess what-she doen´t bother now as she knows that no means no & any fuss about it is likely to get a punishment rather than her own way.

Your husband needs to put his foot down as he´s not dong anyone any favours-including his daughter!

Ask him and her if she would like to be treated like she is 7, and have the later bedtime and the extra treats and also the extra responsibilities that mean she isn't treated the same, or would she like to be treated like she is 2, just the same as every other child in the house who has rules - ie, won't tidy toys but gets no computer time, only watches cbeebies, and goes to bed at 6.45 pm.

my dh doesn't want to talk bout it at all. in his opinion it's me with the problem not him. but then if i tell him we either sort it ourselves or go to counselling he might start listening to me.

i feel trapped, i love my dh so much and whenever dsd isn't here causing trouble or hasn't had cahnce to cause it we have a really good marriage. all i want is to sort it out so we can go back to how we were before all this started.

dh tells me i don't give dsd as much attention as i did before i had our dd, which i don't because i can't coz she's not the only child anymore. however he doesn't have a go about me not giving dd as much attention as i did before i had our ds lst year. it's like he wears rose tinted glasses where dsd is concerned - until she doesn't listen to him on the rare occations he tells her not to do something.

he might agree to councelling if i get through to him that we can't go on like this - i won't hold my breath though

First of all, I don't want to be pessimistic but you need to know that daughters can very often keep their fathers just where they need them! A situation that may not improve with age. (Quite why dsd needed chauffeuring home after every term at uni, I dunno!!!) As with all step-parenting you have to decide which areas you can compromise on too. In other words, pick your battles carefully.

But you have to sort out an agreed, consistent and fair way of dealing with all your children. Then stick to it. Don't bother yourself with the rules in your dsd's home - although from the sound of things, rules don't feature very highly. But you must have agreement with your dh before you can move forwards and develop a happier relationship with your dsd.

I say this from experience. Firstly, from a horrendous. ill-judged, "rebound" marriage where my ex wanted a ready-made family but wasn't prepared to put any care or compassion into the job of the raising the two boys from my former marriage.

In complete contrast, my 15 years as "Wicked Stepmother" to dp's three children, have been lovely. DP and I agreed from the outset on how we'd sort out family issues and we kept things simple - all 5 of our children being expected to observe our way of doing things in our house. We're a very liberal old pair of parents but I'm very hot on manners and won't have doors kicked during teenage tantrums, nor do I tolerate drink-induced vomiting on my carpets. My own two sons coped quite happily under this regime and so did my three stepchildren. What we avoided, at all costs, were situations where one of us argued with a child that wasn't ours and found ourselves being manipulated into arguing with each other!

Your dsd would almost certainly thrive on being treated like a responsible, older child but right now she is getting much more entertainment from watching your marriage disintegrate. So you absolutely must sit down with your DH and get some ground rules agreed. If this is impossible without things getting heated then go to Relate.

i'm gonna get dh to sit down 2nite and sort some ground rules for two older children that are appropriate to their age, with consequences and rewards for their behaviour and explain them at the weekend with dsd and dd. the hardest thing will be to get dh to stick to it with dsd but if they're stuck on the wall it should hopefully help all of us so there are no more arguments concerning dsd. i hope.

thankyou all for advice, you've helped me see it might not be a lost cause. i'll keep you posted.