Head all over the place.Feel unhappy

[livvyliv]

Hi
Just looking for some advice and a chance to get things of my chest.
I have been with my dh for 20years(a couple of breaks in the early days)and have 2 children.
For quite a long time now I have been thinking 'is this it"
He's a great guy, fab dad nothing really to complain about yet I feel unhappy.He loves me to bits yet I feel I don't/can't give him anything back.I want to want to be married but really don't feel I can pretend anymore.I've never been an affectionate person so that's not changed.We haven't had sex for months and the thought of it makes me feel sick.I'm not lusting after anyone and feel I have no sexual feelings at all.
I have tried to speak to him and he thinks I should stop being so stupid-what on earth do I have to be miserable about.I did see relate a couple of weeks ago which was ok but didn't get much out of it.

The biggest problem is that we are moving to a new town soon,leaving all my friends and don't know anyone.Timing is lousy.
Being on my own doesn't worry me(apart from the financial side).
Any advice would be most welcome.Is it possible to to get feelings back or is this the end of the road?I feel I have a right to be happy but feel because there is nothing bad/specific about the marriage is it really selfishof me to give it all up

I really feel for you Livvy. I know just how you're feeling.

I'm stuck in a similar place even down to the length of time I've been with DH, so not really able to offer much in the way of advice, except to pass on others' suggestions that counselling will help. I suspect you'll need more than one session.

But my advice, based on painful experience, would be to do something now, while it's still just you and DH, something I failed to do. One day, someone else may be along who will awaken all those buried desires and then things will only get messier.

How old are the children?

The children are 7 and 5.I'm already thinking I just can't do it to them.I have to learn to make myself happy but just feel it's getting harder and harder to pretend it's all ok.

Aargh, I hate that 'learn to make yourself happy' mantra.

Yes of course you need to find out why you're unhappy, but surely none of us get married so that we can live separate lives under the same roof. We get married, or live with someone, because they helped to make us happy at the point in our lives, when they start to be the cause of making us feel sad, then we have to look to them to help try and fix it.

No man is ever going to my your sole source of happiness, but surely you should expect your partner to be a major source!

But I will say again, you have to sort something soon. Him telling you not to be stupid is not helpful. My biggest regret is I didn't make changes when my DCs were younger, I really fear I have brought them up to believe that constant arguments and tension is normal in a relationship, and that's what they'll base their lives on.

"I have tried to speak to him and he thinks I should stop being so stupid-what on earth do I have to be miserable about."

Well for a start, you have a husband who belittles your feelings and calls you stupid. I wouldn't feel very loving in those circumstances. (Let's be honest, I didn't feel very loving when XH said things like that to me. Note the X.)

Do you really want this house move yourself, is it a genuinely mutual decision or is it his idea which you're just going along with?

Just wanted to reinforce what Hester says, and to add that your feelings are just as important as anyone elses. Just because your DH thinks you're being stupid that doesn't invalidate your feelings.

Tell him that you would like him to go to counselling with you. You really don't want to just keep pretending - you have to address this now. I would guess that counselling at this stage (if you're both fully committed) has every chance of sorting your problems out.

Even if he is unwilling, it sounds like you need some sort of counselling so that you can work out what it is that is making you so unhappy.

The move is because of his job.I would have been more than happy to stay and for him to come back at the weekends(the marriage would not definately not survive this though as absence makes the heart forget!)
I just think I like being on my own more than being with him.But I feel this is not a good enough reason to end a 11year marriage.