HandmeDown. I remember your story so well - and your original thread. I'm sorry it feels like such a horrible mess at the moment, but although it doesn't seem like it at the moment, this is actually an opportunity.
I can tell you that it is possible for you to help your H with his pain and get a stronger marriage as a result. There are some things my H did after his affair that really helped me - and others that hindered my progress. Also, I'm coming at this from the perspective that all you said in your original thread was true - that sex with OM was disappointing - and your eventual realisation that although this wasn't about the OM and his appeal, the affair had happened for a reason and it therefore wasn't meaningless, but a wake-up call.
My H:
- Severed all contact with OW and told her never to contact him again, for any reason.
- Became instantly transparent in his actions. Understood that trust had gone and became an open book, inviting me to check his phone, his phone bills, internet history etc.
- Took the decision himself to get individual counselling to work out how it had been possible for him to go against all his values.
- Reassured me over and over again that OW could not compare to me in any respect. Kept telling me (and showing me) that he thought I was the most beautiful, desirable woman on the planet. Clearly, I am not, but it was obvious that he thought I was, which helped!
- Never once blamed me for this, recognising that this was about him and his faults - and not our marriage. Yes, later on, I could see why this happened and how my own behaviour (and our lifestyle) had contributed to him being vulnerable to an affair, but the decision to have an affair is very much a choice. They don't "just happen".
- Praised virtually everything I did, from my professional abilities, my mothering skills to my friendship skills. Most of all, my gifts as a person. In essence, he told me why he loved me - and why others loved me.
- Was willing to talk endlessly and answer all my questions about the affair and our marriage up to that point (24 years). This was a major change, as he had never previously enjoyed "relationship talks".
- Changed his job role to allow more time with me and the DCs. This involved a professional sacrifice, but he was instantly happier, as the previous role had been the source of stress and depression, which was one of the catalysts for the affair.
- Did absolutely everything to make my life easier, understanding that my world had shattered and I was suffering a kind of post-traumatic shock. Nurtured me and cared for me.
- Showed and expressed his heartfelt sorrow and remorse for what he had done, over and over again.
None of the above has ever stopped incidentally, in 16 months since discovery.
He did do some things that hindered though and in your shoes, I would avoid if you can.
In the early days, he thought he had told me everything there was to tell - and wanted desperately to "get back to normal", not realising that there could - and shouldn't - be a "normal" again. Your lives have changed irrevocably and one can never "go back" - you have to create something new. It was at this sticking point that he went for counselling - and it was a breakthrough.
In terms of what I'm about to say next,have in the back of your mind that I wanted to know everything. I felt that only when I had absorbed everything in its true awfulness, could I move on and forgive. We understand painfully now that forgiveness is impossible when one doesn't know all there is to forgive.
He withheld some information so as to minimise the hurt - and his own culpability. Not huge details in the great scheme of things, but enough of them in volume to cause fresh pain when they emerged as a drip-feed over the past 16 months. It is better to tell all straight away, if your DH wants to know. It is vitally important that you respect his needs in this. If he doesn't want to know every gory detail yet, respect that, but answer truthfully when he does.
My H lied more directly about some things too, for the same reasons as above.
The most confusing ones were the lies he had told to himself - they took ages to unpick and were hugely frustrating for me - we look back now and refer to them as "battles". At times I doubted my sanity because I couldn't understand how he couldn't see what was obvious to me, and I imagined anyone else who was hearing his account. In all this, we discovered he had an enormous capacity to self-delude and put his head in the sand. His counselling found the root of all this - he had learned as a child to completely ignore direct and incontrovertible evidence that his own parents' marriage was a sham. This unfortunate coping mechanism had served him well in terms of survival and so it had stuck.
From the betrayed's perspective, it is very difficult if not impossible to heal when fresh information keeps coming out. The wound keeps being picked over. Some of this, I felt as though I was doing to myself, but I realise now it was because I didn't feel or sense that I had the whole truth, so I had to keep re-visiting things that didn't add up.
Eventually, you arrive at a "shared understanding" about the affair and your marriage. This is important, so you are on "the same page". From this, you move on to a kind of acceptance that this has happened, but it takes a long time and I wouldn't say I'm there yet.
It is terribly important that your husband confronts some of the things he might have believed in the past about affairs. For affairs like yours and my H's, they were not about the sex or even the other person particularly. They were about the feelings the affair induced - excitement, escapism from the trials and mundanity of life, being desired, respected and adored.
Whilst disliking gender distinctions in a general sense, it would be wise to note that historically, betrayed men fixate on the sex their wives were having with OM, imagining that they must be crap in bed compared to the lover etc., whereas betrayed women fixate on the emotional connection their Hs must have had with the OW. Sometimes, what ever the fixation, the "well intended lie" from the betrayer follows. These lies don't actually help in the long term and will always show out. Therefore be honest right from the start, but acknowledge that you might also be lying to yourself too, like you were in your original thread. That's normal - don't beat yourself up about it! Do confront what you think you believe though.
IME, cuckolded men are far more likely to blame themselves for the affair and you should never let him do that. It's far healthier to acknowledge that some of his behaviours and your lifestyle might have made you vulnerable, but if like my H you had not even realised how low you had got before your affair, you couldn't have told him how bad you were feeling, because you didn't know yourself. The affair was a lousy way to wake you up to what was really wrong, but at least you know now - and it's out in the open. The challenge now is to learn from it.
Counselling is I think essential - but at the right time and in the right formation. My H did counselling on his own and I've just started my individual counselling, something I should have started long, long ago. Couples counselling at this early stage will work if you both commit to honesty. Had we gone for this too early, it wouldn't have been as successful because there just wouldn't have been enough hours available to unpeel the layers. It could be that you're both ready for real honesty, in which case it might work well for you.
It is possible to regard this as a life-changing, wonderful opportunity. My marriage is now far happier and more rewarding than it was pre-affair. I couldn't have got here if my H hadn't been willing to work through the pain and recriminations, or if I hadn't been willing to get to the truth and examine my own behaviour.
I hope you can do all the positive things my H did - and stop doing things that might hinder recovery.