This is why people find it hard to leave a bad relationship and STAY away/ go it alone :( (by AboardtheAxiom)

[aSilverLining]

Because it's LONELY

You have spent however many years in their bubble with their family, their friends, their pastimes.

I have DS and I love him, my 'brother' (ex's brother really) is still supportive but now lives with ex who does not like that we talk, I have walked away from social circle, the people I spent all my time with, and now DS goes there two nights a week and I realise how alone I am.

I don't want to go back to ex, he treat me like shit, but I feel so sad sometimes. I thought I would be with a good man by now, have a couple of kids, family around me, etc.

I am starting from scratch with my toxic mum circling me like a vulture trying to get into my life, and I am having to let her a little for practical help I need.

I walked away from my world the day I moved out and left ex and it's scary and lonely being on another planet sometimes.

Sorry I am just feeling a bit lost tonight.

The recovery of oneself is monumentous enough and at times the recovery or rebuilding of a whole life can seem overwhelming but it is possible and it is so worth it when it happens and it will happen!

It sounds as though you don't have a great deal of RL friends of your own? If this is the case, it can be remedied. Your life is yours now, it's up to you to lift it up and make it an enjoyable one.

Try to arrange opportunities to socialise when your DC is away on contact. It will both occupy you and be a start to forging a new life for yourself.

Think 'Pheonix' look to the future. Try not to dwell on a past that made you unhappy anyway.

not half as lonely as a bad relationship

Hi aSilverLining. I know what you mean, your situation sounds similar to mine in that we moved just over a year ago and hadn't really established ourselves and then split in the summer.

I also have a toxic mother but, as she's the only person who is actually bothering to call me, I do, unfortunately, end up talking to her.

I had made some new friends where we live but ex has muscled in and I'm not big enough to share. Besides which, I want real friends, I have enough people I can go for coffee with. And that's what I really miss, that sense of sitting down and talking through the day's events with someone who sees the world the same way you do.

I have also noticed that people have rushed to support him - poor man, he's on his own etc, etc but haven't been in touch with me, even though I'm the one left supporting 3 devastated DCs.

Sorry, not the most helpful post. I'm feeling crap too. I guess we just have to try to hang on to the fact that we're better off without our ex's. It doesn't always feel this bad and there are real compensations. And if that fails there's always chocolate and alcohol!

I know its hard, and lonely and boring and shit. BUT its still better than what you had before. And you have made the decision not to take abuse or crap from anyone. You are on the right road even if it is hard at the moment.

I know this may sound a bit bloody patronising and obvious but it is still true- what you need to do now is learn to be independent, learn to be happy with yourself, with your own company. You have to learn not to need a man and to feel complete without one. Build up your self esteem and be good to yourself. Try to turn your negative thoughts to positive ones.

If you do this you will not fall into the same trap again and you will not settle for any man who isn't right for you. You will meet a man who is good enough for you and you will be happy.

I have a few people in RL,

my sis who has just had a premie baby (her 4th) so she rather has her hands full at the mo

a friend who we have come closer again since I left ex (they didn't get on)

a friend from DS's school

I find it hard to ask people for help, and they all seem to think I am brave and strong and cope when I sometimes need people more than they realise.

I am trying to build up social life for me, building up my friendships, family relationships, etc and plan to look into retraining. Even though I am positive about leaving ex from the point of view that I was unhappy and he won't change, it is still a horrible swirly feeling sometimes when I realise, like my stomach drops in my body.

How long is it since you split? sounds recent from what you say - you know this feeling will lessen with time.

I have been, at times, just as unhappy out of my relationship as I was in it.

but even so, I would chose the 'lonely unhappiness' every time because at least this way I know I am not wasting my life with someone who didn't seem to like me very much and wasn't shy about making this clear.

At least this way I have a chance, however slim of being happy; either finding a good relationship or learning to enjoy and appreciate all I have as a single person.

Its sometimes tempting to look back and think well it wasn't so bad, at least I wasn't lonely, but just because there is someone in the room with you doesn't mean that you can't be incredibly lonely and sad. And I know its a tired old cliche but its still true.

Xposted there.

I am off the alcohol as I went out with friend last week, drank way too much, was sick, etc etc. It was bad.

I know it is better than before but it still feels shite. It is not that I want to jump into a relationship with another man.

I am so sad tonight.

I keep myself busy and that's fine, but this afternoon I just stopped. I couldn't do anything. I feel broken.

I have said before that I did feel lonely with ex yes. Left on 13th Nov with clothes and toys, slowly building up furniture and decorating house, very proud of how well I have done with it all.

I am unsure of my place right now I guess. Who is there for me. Really there. Who I have to depend on. WHo is bad for me.

I am unsure and I don't like to be unsure.
I want people to be there for me but I am scared they won't be, that they will let me down or that I will let them down. I feel tired and pressured and alone in the world. I want someone to sit with me while I cry.

I don't know what is wrongwith me at the moment.

I went to see a very good counsellor who told me it is ok to feel sorry and sad for yourself. You may think this weird but it was actually a revelation to me - yes it is a crap situation and I am fully entitled to feel sad and sorry for myself that this was done to me. That did help.

also it dawned on me that getting over such crapness was not linear, I had foolishly thought I would feel a little bit better every day until one day I woke up and it was all good, but of course it's not like that and it was a huge amount of ups and downs, feeling all powerful and then miserable and pathetic, sometimes in the space of a few hours.

you are going through a Bad Patch. It is not for ever. Just try and be kind to yourself as you ride it out. Get some sleep and eat well.

Thanks everyone who has replied.

Yes spero - I had kind of a high after leaving, and then like you say ups and downs sometimes feeling great, other times feeling miserable. I looked into counselling but can't afford it and last time I asked to be referred to a counsellor via NHS it just didn't really happen, guess they are overwhelmed/huge waiting lists.

Think I may head to bed in a bit....

I paid £40 per hour for mine, but there was babysitting on top of that, so I can appreciate it is expensive. But I would get back on the waiting list if you can't afford to go private as I do think it can really help to get support with getting out of unhealthy ways of thinking, which were certainly leading me deeper into depression. And even if you are lucky enough to have loads of supportive friends, its not the same as their relationship with you will intrude in some way on their advice, or even ability to just sit still and listen.

sleep is a good idea; I always feel worse when I'm tired. i hope it gets better.

Yes one approved counsellor in my area and that is her hourly fee too. Just can't afford that right now.

I am worried about getting too down as have been on ADs before and would like to avoid going back on them if at all possible. I am also stressing and feeling lonely and vulnerable as I am meant to be having an operation (gynae variety) on Tuesday, or maybe not, as ward was closed on Fri due to norovirus so won't know til Monday if I am going in or not. My mum is booked off work to 'help', DS is autistic and I should be 'preparing' him for me going in but don't want to now as may not go in, and then he would have it on his mind. Gah! Yes I think bed is a good idea.

Night all!

you have a lot going on, no surprise you feel like shit. I hope you feel better in the morning.

Youve walked away from one world , but theres another waiting for you. Youll make new freinds , leave old ones behind ect. I personally never felt so loneley as when i was married. Now im never alone , ive got me here .

Good morning, aSL! (You did get your early night, didn't you?)

First: Well done for quitting a life that was bad for you! It takes guts. You did it Hi5.

Yes, you have a lot of crap stuff happening right now: who wants to start a new life with very little and an operation on their lady-bits?? (As an aside, how come these things so often coincide? Both my divorces were accompanied by ovarian issues! Bummer.) Like Spero said, it IS hard, it IS crap and you're ALLOWED to feel sorry for yourself. Eat chocolate, give yourself a big hug and wear a big fluffy cardigan

Learn to love your self. Really. You cared enough about yourself and DC, to remove you both from a damaging situation. This is a good sign, it means you do know you're worth some love, respect, trust & caring.

You have to put up with your mum's help, which is no doubt weird. Never mind. She's enough of a mum to step in; accept it and say thankyou. Immunise yourself from her traps and games, you know what they are. (You only need to do it for a short time.)

Then look at what you've done: Protected yourself and your child/ren. Started a new life. Handled your mum. Handled surgery.
That's quite cool, isn't it?

I know how it can feel lonely when you're all by yourself. But, you were pretty much on your own anyway, weren't you? Look at what you've just achieved - did XP deserve a woman as strong, as capable, as fully-formed as you are?
Thought not.

Grace, I actually clapped upon reading your post so true!

Hope you got good and well deserved rest Silver.

Hello ATA, SilverLining
Wondering if you've ever come across the book by Patrick Carnes, Betrayal Bonds; Breaking Free From Exploitive Relationships.

So glad you're still hanging in there. Sounds like you're really feeling the grief part of ending the relationship, grief for yourself and the life you thought you'd have, and grief for the people who now seem lost to you, frustration with the people who are available and longing for some real shoulders to cry on and friends to lean on. Don't be too proud to reach out to the people you know in RL who are sympathetic -- people care, they really do, about you and your DS.

xxxxx

aSL I don't know if this will help you.... I left an emotionally abusive (and in the latter stages physically abusive) relationship in July 2007. It took me until late last year to appreciate the difference between solitude and loneliness. Some days it was hard (verging on impossible) to keep going. You CAN do it, you are worth it. You had the strength to stand up to a bully and that takes some doing. There is nothing that anyone can do/say etc that can take that strength away from you.

I think once you really start enjoying being alone (being able to do whatever/not putting up with abuse etc.) then you cease to be lonely and start enjoying your own company. That's the space I've come to.

SilverLining, you know you did the right thing in leaving .

And although there may be ups and downs along the way, if you were to plot how you feel on a graph over time, the line will go up, and that's the main thing.

Yes, it can be lonely, but over time you will continue to do what makes you happy and build a life you love.

Try new things where you make some new RL friends and re-ignite old friendships (I did this, picked up with a friend I have barely seen since uni, and we are now as close as we were years and years ago). Having been someone who historically never opened up with people, I have been amazed by the support I've got from friends once they heard my story and feel much better having shared things with them that I should have shared years ago. Thinking about it, having really cultivated various friendships since XP started all of this, I now have huge amounts of RL support and a better relationship with my family who I neglected during years when I felt miserable.

Give some of the more awkward relationships more time. It's been about three months since my split and I'm still working on how best to manage relationships with his family and joint friends. Mostly I find that it's ok with the family things so long as I don't mention him (they need to support him because they have to and whilst they may not feel he's made the best choices, I'll just make them feel cr** if I give them the detail). It's not really happened yet, but I think that not being asked to his family gatherings will be difficult for me. The joint friends thing is messy - being dropped from the social stuff because I'm no longer a couple is hard - but whilst it's not very nice, there's not too much of that really. Watching people you know give your XP "support" on FB is a little weird (but then most of those people are, to some extent, just trying answer his call for help without knowing much about what's happened or people who just like FB and talk to anyone!). Have resisted living my life through FB as he has done as TBH it seems a bit sad to me and I have enough happening in RL to make that unnecessary.

So...a bit of a ramble but...chin up SilverLining, in a year's time you will look back and know how much happier you've become and I don't think you'll feel lonely

SL, how are you today?

Hi everyone, thanks for all your kind supportive replies I did indeed go to bed last night in my PJs and dressing gown with a cup of tea and a thronton's chocolate bar!

You are all right I know, and I appreciate you all reminding me of the positives.

It is true I am finding it wierd handling joint friends and my now ex in laws. Most people even ex's relatives have been supportive of me thanfully although I still am now on a different footing with them, in different relationships and friendships than I had before.

Deleted ex off my FB friends as he was doing updates directed at me, as well as texts, emails, and 'forgetting' to bring things of DS's back with him then saying 'oh I will pop them round later'. Erm no I don't think so! 'Managing' him is tiring but he is slowly but surely realising he won't be worming his way into my private life, interogating me or my friends, or emotionally manipulating me. I am getting there.

I am enjoying pleasing myself and DS, and have always been a person happy in my own company, I guess sometimes I just feel abit set adrift in the middle of an ocean. I am definately working on building up friendships and hobbies but it will take time and I am an impatient person!

ANyway thank you all for supporting me it really helped. I was typing and crying last night, but feel a bit better today.

it takes time.

you know you cannot go "back" (to him) - you can only go forward.

i found going to a group with family therapist - for divorced/separated - helpful. so yes - go see a counsellor if you can. even one session might help...