Does the Women's Aid phone number show up on the bill?

[Heated]

Does it show up on landline bills or mobile phone history?

I don't know heated - are you ok?

Oh yes, fine - v sorry, am looking at how that now looks and it certainly wasn't my intent.

This is for a friend who completely out of the blue offloaded to me about her terrible marriage this afternoon. Had no idea and have said I'd help in any way I can but I do know from reading threads on here about Women's Aid.

Her husband opens all mail, reads her texts, monitors computer usage so you can see her need for caution.

It showed up in my call log on my mobile when I rang but I could delete that.
You have got me wondering about the home phone bill now though, don't think it will show unless your bill is itemised.
Edit: just checked my latest phone bill, I can't see it showing up on there (phew), probably because it's a free call number but might be because I never actually got through to talk to anyone when I used my home phone.

Thanks Roxi, that's helpful. I have suggested to her getting a PAYG mobile phone as her hb is quite technologically savvy.

Any idea about landlines anyone?

According to Women's Aid website it doesn't show up on BT phone bill but they can't guarantee any other companies. Your poor friend, I hope she's able to get some help

To be on the safe side could she call from yours or a relatives house?

Heated, tell her to go to her doctor and explain what is going on, they will log all incidents and can refer her to other agencies that might be able to help and it is all confidential. We have a local service for domestic abuse (if that's what's going on) that you can only get referred to through your GP, they are brilliantly supportive and will only call at an agreed safe time and they always withold their number.

Thank you, will tell her about BT although I don't think she is with them but another provider.

Am not very local to her so she can't ring from mine and he isn't physically abusive. He incessantly belittles and swears at her, criticises her. He also says that she is mental and that ppl talk about her behind her back. She and the children are only happy when he is away through work.

She did leave once before, went to her parents and within a few hours he's emptied the accounts (she earned v well before becoming a SAHM) and left her & young baby penniless. On her return she found he'd broken into the flat (he'd did have a key) and emptied the entire place - she phoned the police thinking they'd been burgled. He also reported her to the SS and they interviewed the medical team who supported her after a late miscarriage. They got back together after falling pg with the 2nd but life has not changed. He keeps all their important documents at work & she has no knowledge of what's happened to their finances.

She is confident she can be financially independent if she returns to work. They are very well off but she isn't bothered about the money. But she is worried about separating as she doesn't want him to have 50/50 access to the children and be subject to his irritation with them. She reasons that currently she is with them 24/7 and they never have to be on their own with him.

Can she get to a library to use their internet ? The womens aid website has good advice on how to protect yourself from tracking on the internet, but if he is that controlling he may have installed spyware.

He sounds like a right turd btw - hope she manages to get out and stay out

Hadn't thought of that CMOTdibbler, will recommend it. Am going to print off stuff and give it to her next week.

Spycop is a very good programme for picking up spy software that most programmes miss.

Thank you, will make a note of it for her.

Not sure how computer literate she is. Did suggest coming on MN for advice before she said about him monitoring everything.

Just want to get the right advice and support for her without making matters worse.

I wonder if it would be helpful if you got copies of the dc birth certificates for her to keep at your place.

I did suggest this or even posting copies to her parents address but her husband stores all the important papers at his office He says it's more secure that way but of course the whole point is she can't get access to them.

I had the same thought about XP having access to DS and being horrible to him etc - thinking "at least at the moment I can step if if he does anything" - but actually since I have moved out although DS does see his dad he seems a lot happier overall and I do think it has had a positive effect on him taking him away from that kind of behaviour.

Also there are supervised contact centres etc which can help keep contact safe. Ring rather than emailing, as they never replied to my email. This number is not free and would show up on a phone bill but you could ring it for her. www.naccc.org.uk/

I meant request proper copies from the registrar anyone can order copies of any birth certificate, you can even pick them up in person. She will need her marriage certificate too.

Also she can go to her bank branch in person and get statements etc on any joint accounts. I'm sure if she spoke confidentially to a manager they could give her it in such a way that he wouldn't know IYSWIM

im not one for shouting 'abusive bloke' at every thread involving a dispute, but you are describing some very serious emotional and financial abuse here, and im genuinely worried for your friend. if/when she gets away she is likely to have the fight of her life. id say the more support she has from dedicated services the better. also the sooner she reportd the abuse, the better as she will stand in better stead if he decides to try involve CSD.
hope you're ok too, this stuff can be really draining for friends and family members

Also, if she splits from him and wants to keep it that way, she needs to have no contact at all except to discuss things related to DC - and this can all be done via a mediator. I did not check my emails for about 2 weeks and switched off my phone. When I switched it back on I deleted all text messages without reading and I went through my emails with my mum there and she screened the ones he had sent to check if there was anything important but there wasn't and apparently a couple were quite nasty so she deleted them without me seeing them at all.

That's really useful information Sleighgirl and BertieBotts, thank you again.

Didn't know she could order copies of certificates and it's something practical she can do. Will print off and give her the supervised contact centre info as well although her hb will never agree to seeing children like this. In reality he's not one for spending a lot of time with them but would fight for access.

Think she will get a PAYG phone which will free her up a bit, but if not will offer to make the phone calls for her, although dh said if she is the one who makes the calls she'll be more likely to go...?

She's talking of waiting it out for a couple of years until the children can say in court they don't want to see their dad (they are 4 and 6 but more like 14 and 16), but I don't think it works like that, does it?

Tell her to look for her local women's aid centre, because she can usually find out their opening times and turn up there to either get immediate advice or make a proper appointment to see someone without ever having to make a call.

If needs be, you could call for her to check the opening times or to make an appointment for her.

If you like, you can cat me with the area and I can tell you which WA office it would be ( I work for women's aid and have access to the full directory)

Can she start squirreling away some cash, even if it's not a huge amount to have a few £ in your pocket makes it easier when you do have to leave.

Can she get a local friend to sell bits and peices on ebay for her (stuff the dc have outgrown etc that he wouldn't notice)

Maristella, you're right, and it's rather alarming to see it written down like that when it's about two people you know. Used the word "abusive" today and she looked rather shocked at hearing it described like that. She is actually quite a feisty woman in many spheres of her life.

She has never reported him (the police did suggest she did so when she reported what she thought was the burglary on their flat and actually he'd cleared the place out) Because he isn't physically violent she's not even sure who'd she'd report it to.

Thanks MrsPNut, didn't know that service was available but don't have CAT. How do I do that? Or have email: H e a t e d @ n t l w o r l d . c o m

Will ask more about the finances, I don't think he keeps her without but she knows if she leaves he will strip the accounts (is his area of expertise). She is always able to buy things for the children, is generous with presents for other people so must have access to money in some way.

Have just found local WA contact nos on their website, MrsPNut. Will talk to her about going to see them together.

Thanks all.