How do you end friendships

[poshsinglemum]

It's a new year and a new me and some of my old friendships are making me feel crap.
Should i confront said friends or distance myself or both?

Has anyone ended a long term friendship? I would like to drift apart but we all have small kids so not easy.

I have lots of new friends but old friends are important.

With one or two mates it's the sly digs, competetiveness and general smugness on their part that makes me uneasy. I want mates who celebrate my successes instead of feeling comfortable with my failures if that makes sense?

Have just cut ties with a couple of people for exactly those reasons. It's liberating.

I think if you can, gradually distancing yourself is generally the easiest option, otherwise you might end up with a big blow out and hostilities if you ever cross paths again. If you distance slowly, they get the message but it stays amicable. And if circumstances change, you've left it open to pick the friendship back up.

I have just cut ties with one of my previously good friends. She doesn't live locally anymore and I have serious doubts about her behaviour during the time she lived with us, especially due to ExH recent infidelity.

I have not called her and have not replied to her texts, these have now ceased as Exh and her have remained friends and they have obviouly now spoken about the fact I no longer trust her and do not wish to remain in contact

i have cut quite a few friendships dead in their tracks when i haven't been happy. and i don't recommend it!

is there any way you can think about how you might get across what you are thinking/feeling to them.

its difficult to do. but even if you can't think of how to do it straight away, its worth thinking about.

With this friend I just don't feel that she is on my side if that makes sense. She has said some hurtful things to me in the past, dated my ex boyfriends and seems to feel more 'comfortable' when I'm struggling.

To be fair I'm jealous of her and her comfortable life but I would be happier for her if she stopped the comments.

I also don't trust her.

Another vote for just letting the contact fizzle out rather than a big showdown. Unfortunately big showdowns always have the effect of making you look a total whanger, there is no way the other person will break down in guilty tears and acknowledge that s/he is a Bad Friend and vow to do better. S/he will make a 'get you face' and probably say something really hurtful, then tell all his/her friends that you are mental.

just wanted to say, when i said earlier that i stopped friendships - i never ever confronted them about it. but allowed it to fizzle out. who can say whether it was for the best or not.

personally i would try to find some way - and it may take a long while to think about - of letting them know. it may be a little side comment yourself. or jokingly saying - oi.
or whatever.

its difficult because every personality is different, every situation is different.

i never had anyone encourage me to try anything different than let it fizzle out. its tricky. but i (personally) would think about it a lot more. writing here, writing for yourself, thinking why they are doing it, thinking why it upsets/offends you so much.

of course you don't have to do anything. but it might be a useful exercise even if you do end up cooling things. and i'm sure you will cool things anyway because of the way you are feeling. sometimes i think its a shame to not let the other person aware of what it is you don't like, and so give them a chance to think about. it has to be v skillfully done. but sometimes people drop hints to me and i do pay attention as much as i can. but maybe you've tried this already. anyway, its a difficult one.

I've done it. Just stopped texting and getting in touch when I realised it was all one-sided. Needless to say she hasn't made any effort.

I feel liberated and pleasingly in control but also angry and hurt. Bitter sweet.

Hi all,

Thanks for the comments.
With this friend I have written to her on face book and told her that I was worried that things were getting competetive between us.
She told me no way and that she thought th eworld of my daughter and I then reverted back to normal.
In all honesty I think that she's trying to cool it anyway as I make all the contact and she hardly replies to my texts.
Today she hurt me as a few years ago she tried to set me up with one of her mates. It didn't work out and she knew I was upset then she told me today he was getting married to his gf. Fair enouggh but then I said they wanted kids she said ''oh yes lots of them apparently.''
She knows how badly I want more kids but can't as I don't have a partner. I don't feel she's on my side.
She has also asked me if I want more kids. I guess I am jealous as she can have them whenever and I can't.

sorry I meant she then reverted back to normal

You're wearing your heart on your sleeve too much. You seem really sensitive too, which isn't meant as a criticism, just an observation. It sounds like you're going through a tough time at the moment and lettings little things upset you whereas ordinarily, perhaps you wouldn't?

Sorry if I'm wrong.

Ending friendships can be quite unsettling. In my case over a couple of years my weekly emails to a very long-time friend (10 years plus) gradually went from her always replying the same-day to her replying sometime during the same week to only about half of my emails getting any reply at all.

So I gradually reduced the frequency of my emails. Eventually I stopped sending them completely (about 3 months ago now) and she has never got back to me.

No falling out just a drifting apart.

i do find that competitiveness and need for put-downs really toxic.
listen to your instincts, looking back i wish i had because they weren't far off!