This is going to be long....

[BlackLetterDay]

I'd like a bit of perspective on my relationship with dp if anyone can be arsed.

We have been together 8 years now and have 3 dc. We got together via the internet and eventually I moved to be with him because I had dd.I moved into his Mum's flat with him (he had lived at home before and is 18 years older than me).

We after a couple of years moved into our own flat and proceeded to have dc2 (ds1). However our relationship has always been crap on the communication front, I and it seem to go through periodic ups and down where I wonder what the hell I am doing with him.

After ds was born we went through a horrible patch where I had PND and also my Mum died. I went understandably a bit loopy from this. Dp was a bit crap really, he was out of work at this time, I had to search for jobs for him and he eventually got one.

We moved into a house and had ds2 and that brings us up to the present really. I can't go into details about everything as that would be a mammoth post, but I'm not happy.

Dp seems to me to be very emotionally detached from me and our kids. I find it impossible to talk to him, he has never been totally involved but he seems to have become more distant since I was a few months pg with ds2. I do have doubts about his faithfullness but I can't be sure about that, I have no idea wether I am being unreasonable or not.

Since I had a kind of breakdown when my Mum died we have had a few heart to hearts but tbh I have now disengaged from him and refuse to refuse to bring up anything relationship related. Whenever I do I end up being the bad guy, responsible for everything that's bad in our relationship.

He never talks to me about anything and we could rumble along forever with me being unhappy. We haven't argued in a long time because I have disengaged from the relationship and refuse to talk about anything emotional (not that he has noticed or even cares).

We do have sex now and again but that is the only intimacy we share (and I have noticed he has a recent penchant for youporn, god knows why)

I have zero self esteem and am shite about confrontation but I really am not happy in this relationship and need to know if I have cause to really evaluate wtf I'm doing. I have lost myself.

maybe go to relate together and on your own - to get a bit of perspective - its really amazing when you sit and talk to a stranger about things how you wonder to yourself how you actually put up with the shit.

or how strange it sounds when you are both in aroom telling a stranger the stupid things that happen

Doesn't it cost lots to go to relate though? We couldn't afford it tbh, we are sleeping on a mattress on the floor because we can't afford a new bed this month.

It says on the Relate website that they do a sliding scale, going down to £5, but I don't know if that's too much for you or how they apply their scale.

There is also the GP. You sound as though you've been through a lot, and still are.

Problem with the GP is that it's limited to just a short course AND there is a terrible waiting list. And you have to be prepared to hassle to move up it. And I've no idea how they assess who moves up it.

I'm (technically) on the waiting list for counselling - I was v. unhappy a while back. In the end I accessed counselling through my college. Well, I had that - and it worked. But, technically, I am still on the waiting list for the GP.

One of my friends, years ago, managed to access some free counselling, twice. The first counsellor was not so great (she said), the second was v. good.

It also says on the Relate website that they can look for free counselling in your area. But, if my friend's experience is anything to go by, it can be a bit hit or miss.

I would suggest trying to get some counselling for you.

It sounds v. hard if you're having money worries and your dp is incommunicative and unsupportive.

there is a sliding scale - but tbh - wouldn't you do what you could re the finances to save your relationship? 'i can't afford it' isn't an excuse if you want totry. if you don't fair enough - but if you do - you find the £

BlackLetterDay, you sound very lonely. It's horrible to be on your own in a relationship

The first thing you need to do is recover a bit of self-worth. Anything that might help: take the kid for a different walk, start following an exercise dvd, change your hair style, invite yourself over to a girlfriend's ... preferably all the above + anything else you can think of!

You need to get back your idea of who YOU are, then you'll be in a better position to decide what's good for you. You seem basically to be in a dull flatshare at the moment - he isn't going anywhere, is he? So go somewhere, yourself, and take a fresh look at him then.

Good luck!

Do you want to try and save your relationship and so you think your partner does too?

Thanks grace I have been thinking that myself, basically shelve him and the relationship think and concentrate on me. I really want to lose weight and learn to drive this year.

As to wether I want to save the relationship I have no idea I'm quite confused really. I'm sure dp if I asked him would say that nothings wrong, everything is just tickety boo. I said to him today "are you ok, you seem a bit different lately" he said "I feel rough" "what time is the shopping coming sunday" cue deflated sigh from me, and much gurning (wheels turning) from him and obviously much tv staring. I think tbh I have possibly had enough, but it's such a big step isn't it. I can't see what relate would do, he is just sooo closed off and defensive. I have to build myself up and brace myself just to ask him the most basic of questions regarding our relationship, he makes me feel like some kind of freak for even wanting to discuss emotions/relationships. 99% of the time our discussions go nowhere.He gets defensive or just shuts down.

Although I may actually suggest relate tomorrow, see what his reaction is.

Also with relate I know for a fact he will make it all about me. I admit sometimes I have been a complete shit/behaved horribly but I can just imagine it now. Him saying you did this and that and me thinking yep it's all my fault, dp is an innocent victim etc. I am really not good at standing up for myself and putting my point across, my mind will go blank and I will crumble .

Interesting that you still want to go to Relate, even though you're sure it won't help him. Do you feel a counsellor could give you the encouragement you need, to do more nice things for yourself?

You can go to Relate on your own, you know ...