confused and upset, please help.

[disappointed2010]

firstly sorry for the name changing but am really confused/upset and dont know where else to turn.
Hi I'm sorry this going to be a bit long winded but last year I had "the talk" with my husband (we have been married for just over 18 months), I really put myself out there and told him exactly how much I want to have a baby (we accidentally got pregnant a couple of years ago and had a miscarriage at 10 weeks), how much it aches me inside when all around me I see people having children (my SIL and friend both told me they were having babies within three months of each other) also, his best friends then partner actually gave birth to her baby the day I lost mine and so whenever I see her I just feel so sad (I know it sounds pathetic). We had always talked about having a family and he has always been very positive about it. He said we should look at what we need and how much ot will cost, what I would be entitled to from work etc etc, we did this research and we felt really positive about it, he then said that we should wait til we are a bit better off financially, though TBH i cant see a time when we will be better off than we are, we both have good jobs and have enough money for holidays etc at the moment, but he still wont commit to having one, I just keep getting "we will have a baby just not yet, blah blah blah" and I am now at the point I cant take it, I cry every time I think I'm throwing away the chance to be a mother just because he is dragging his feet, but then I love him dearly and can't imagine leaving him, I can't be happy without a baby but then I cant be happy without him, why should I have to choose? I tried to google my problem to see if anyone else was in the same boat and the only advice people seem to get is "leave him" or "get pregnant without him knowing" and TBH I'm feeling desperate enough right now to actually to consider the second option, I know its crazy but I feel completely torn.

Don't despair - men sometimes just need time to come around to the idea and the responsibility - it can be overwhelming for them. Remember, you have lived with these feelings, come to terms with them and then expressed them. He is probably worrying about the financial responsibility. If he talks it through with his mates, muses over it for a while he'll probably come around.. he's not saying never is he.

I think leaving him for this reason at this stage is poor advice and whilst I wouldn't condone tricking him into a baby either..... accidents do happen...!

But give him time - I feel sure he'll come through

v x

Thanks for the advice I just feel so torn all the time and whenever I do try to talk about it he's just like "we will have a baby soon just not yet, we need more money, we have to sort other things out first" Other things being a small loan from my mother (she helped us out when we got married and we are currently paying her £150 a month probably until about august...) Now my brother has announced he wants to get married overseas and while being happy for him, all I can think of is "great so now I have to put off having a baby even longer cos the cost of the holiday to go to the wedding aint going to be cheap and i may not be able to go if I am pregnant"

How old are you?

I'm very sorry about your miscarriage.
It might have upset him more than you think; men have even fewer coping mechanisms for it than we do. Underneath all the prevarication, he could simply be afraid of the same thing happening again.
Have you talked about it much?

If you really love this man and time is on your side (sorry, I'm not sure how old you are), then maybe sit him down and decide WHEN you will start TTC. Tell him that you understand that he's not ready yet, but that you need a time to work to. Use the excuse that you want to change your lifestyle to make sure your are at your healthiest, blah blah blah...

The reason that I'm saying this, is that we decided to start TTC a month or so after we got married in 2008. DH was never really "ecstatic" about the idea but knew it was what I wanted.

We lost the first baby at 5 weeks. But 6 weeks later we were PG again. The PG didn't go particularly smoothly, with high downs risks from the first scan and then gestational diabetes.

By the time our DD arrived, the whole thing had effected DH and we nearly split up in October last year.

Even the strongest marriages go through major ups and downs when a new baby comes along, so my advice is not to push him until he's ready, but to start to plan for it now. Not to scare him, but to make sure he understands the reality of what you're doing.

DH loves our DD, but even though he's 33, he really wasn't ready to be a Father and the strain is starting to show.

You will be a Mum and he will be a Dad, but you do need to make sure that he is as ready as he can be, because it's tough...

Good luck.

xxx

howdoo is right...how old you are makes a huge difference to this thread...