Emotional abusive husbands post split

[chinupgirl]

Hi,
can anyone offer me some practical advice on how to deal with an emotionally abusive husband once you've actually made the split (well he walked out, but you get my drift). He was pretty controlling pre split, which I'm getting over but it is getting unbearable. He wants to control when contact takes place, is instigating medical treatment for DS without telling me, refuses to accept that I'm the parent with care, demands I communicate directly, even though he is verbally abusive. It isn't bad enough to get the police involved and because there is a child involved, I have to keep contact. Despite the fact he is in a relationship with another woman (also married, not the first), he won't accept that this has in anyway contributed to the breakdown of the marriage.
It's been a year now and I've reached the point where I don't know what else to do. Anyone else had this problem, or similar and what tactics worked? Help!

Thanks

You could ring Womens Aid to see about how to instruct a lawyer as the go-between

Their number is 0808 2000 247

The only tactic that works is ONLY communicate about DC and through a third party like a solicitor... IME anyway

Forget about trying to get him to accept blame for the breakdown of the marriage. That was then and this is now. He will get a great kick out of seeing you still upset over how things went. And he will never admit any responsibility. He will drive you nuts thinking about it and fuming about him.

You need to get a solicitor to spell out in a binding agreement the most minute details of your future relationship. Sit down and go over every possible scenario who is going to be responsible for what, stipulate how contact is to be made (e-mail only, recommended) and what sort of notice is going to be needed to change visitation plans, to take the child out of the county or country, who gets school reports, who goes to parent meetings, who decides about extra curricular activities and who pays for them. Those are just a few examples take time to go over every aspect of things as they now are and write it all down. Write down what you want, in detail, and have the solicitor work out the clauses, sections, etc. Everything, in black and white.

This is what I found I had to do. We went to a mediator because I couldn't sit comfortably in the same room with my ex. Then the divorce judge signed off on it.

Don't try working this out among yourselves. You need a third party as referee and guide; an authority figure is preferable when dealing with an abuser, and someone involved in the legal system usually carries enough authority.

Hear hear. Exactly right. It doesn't matter what he "demands" or "refuses to accept" - you are now in the happy position where you don't have to listen. YOU, as the parent with care, are in the driving seat here, and as long as you are behaving reasonably (even if he doesn't acknowledge it's reasonable!), putting the child's needs first and not restricting access unfairly the courts will back you up. He has absolutely no legal or moral right to insist you deal with him directly.

as they said : ONLY communicate about DC and - if needs be - through a third party .

you cannto make him accept anything, you cannot control his thoughts.

but you can set out - with a mediator or solciitor -a very clear separation agreement with the details of who does what and when, handling medical stuff etc.

have you divorced legally? in divorce process you can set this stuff out on paper.

for starters, you do not have to speak on phone - stick to email/text messages about arangements. handovers - should be quick and bright - say goodbye to daddy, bye now. if needs be add "got to go, something's boiling over" and shut door. etc.

and do not rise to his bait - keep it simple and straightforward about practical matters. easier to say than do but if you stick to email/text msg you can give your self time to respond - dont rush off accusations or emotional stuff even if he sends you this. if it continues and you end up in court - you need to show you been entirely reasonable and rational.

have a separate phone (eg pay as you go) that he texts to. separate him from your usual life.

The separate phone is a great idea, cestlavielife.

Thanks for all the advice. My solicitor and his have made it really clear that I don't want contact, but he still keeps trying. We did do mediation, but when he didn't get his way he started court proceedings without warning. He is now surprised that this didn't make things better.
We tried the third party, (my sainted brother, bless him!) but he just ended up being abused as well. It is costing me a fortune running this by the solicitor as he won't even agree to me drawing up the access rota.
Problem is, even though I have DS for most of the time,he won't accept that I'm the parent with care. So he tried to dicatate everything, including who I will use for my childcare arrangments. Even my solicitor doesn't know what to do next, other than go back to court.
I've not filed for divorce, yet, as he won't agree terms. He doesn't accept carrying on with the Sunday School Teacher as unreasonable behaviour, despite admitting a relationship. (and don't even get me started on her behaviour!).
I'm completely lost to find a way forward.

Excellent advice from mathanxiety.

You know, this sounds just like my XP. I had to take him to court to get residence of DS (long long story). I know men like this are just tremendously difficult to deal with. Sounds like he is using access as another way to control you.

In your case, it may be that court is the way to go. Doing it was the most stressful experience of my entire life so far (I remember on one occasion being so scared that I almost wet myself, how sad is that, a grown woman).

Now, I don't know about divorce so can't help you there I'm afraid.

Can I just emphasise that you can refuse to talk to him on the phone? I find it most helpful to deal with my XP by text/email. That minimises the opportunity for bullying.

If you have made it clear you don't want contact this way then this is boiling over into harrassment, It may help to document his behaviour - eg keep a diary. This could be useful as evidence.

please contact womens aid as they the experience and advice and support and understandingthey have to give you will be great

Thanks everyone.
Agree on the phone bit, problem is the court order includes a requirement that we meet 3 times a year to discuss DS needs. I'm going to arrange to have a third party there, but I really don't want to be there.
Yes, ultimately this is about control. But there is a poor child stuck in the middle of this and yes, I am well aware that I'm being emotionally blackmailed to behave.

Are there are any support groups for others in this position? I've got some amazing friends, who are just so supportive, but unless you've dealt with someone like this, it is really hard to get your head round what is going on.

I'm sure there are some really nice, decent blokes out there, why couldn't I find one of those?

BTW tried contacting womens aid, but it was over Christmas and they were always busy . Also, they are dealing with people in real trouble, not just some middle class wimp who is having problems dealing with a twit of husband.

They've got more important things to deal with.

Try again, they will have more time now and you are just as important as any other unhappy woman in need of support.

You really need that divorce, Chinupgirl, even if that means the knock down drag out court experience (or things could go smoothly either). The terms of your relationship absolutely must be defined, or you will be run ragged trying to deal with this ex of yours, and a divorce agreement is the way to do this.

A divorce and custody/visitation agreement (which can be incorporated into the final papers) means the court tells you (and the ex) how to conduct your relationship and it governs the ins and outs of each parent's rights and responsibilities to the child. Intrusive, yes. Helpful in dealing with a jerk, YES again.

You can initiate divorce proceedings without your H having agreed to terms before the petition is filed. He gets a summons and time to respond after you file, and then the court conducts hearings, with you and the ex and your solicitors hashing it out between hearings. The judge conducts the hearings to make sure the matter is being wrapped up in a timely way, and checks that the details are legal in the end. And then the details are enforceable by the court -- if he decides to change anything he must apply to the court, and if he won't, he will face the sanctions of the court.

Also -- the Sunday School teacher bit is not your business at all, in a way. Don't try engaging him on this matter. It's obviously very important, and the emotional aspects of it are central to you, but divorce is about calendars and money, debts and property, and wrapping your heads around the idea that you're now going your separate ways. Separation means emotionally separating yourself from him too. Yes, he rode the marriage into the ground, but your aim now should be to get out of the mess and get him out of your hair with the help of the legal system.

I so wish the Sunday School teacher wasn't my business, but she is determined to rub my nose in it, even though he is denying any on-going relationship. Joys of a small village.
Thanks for all the comments. Deep breath and don't let him wind me up. And get out as fast as possible!

chinupgirl, you are not a wimp!

Emotional abuse/controlling behaviour is still abuse - it's just unlike physical violence in that you don't see the scars, but they're still there.

Just wanted to say that - and also that you're tougher than you think

Don't let the cow get to you. Chin up, shoulders back -- you have your integrity and she's going to look like the village trollop when it all becomes known. xxxx