verbally abusive partner - wants joint mortgage. Advice? Rights?

[namechangedforhelp]

Hi,

I am in need of some urgent advice please. I have posted before briefly about my situation. I am married (6 years) with one DD of 13 months.

My husband in the last few years has become more and more verbally abusive. When in a particularly bad row he has threatened to try to paint me as an unfit mother and take custody of DD if we were to split up. I am no angel - I suffer from depression/anxiety, can be neurotic and highly strung and am not, I imagine, the easiest person to live with. However, notwithstanding this, I am aware that the way he can treat me in a bad mood is not acceptable and we have got to a fairly bad stage where we are aware that something needs to change somehow (except that he denies anything is his fault and sees himself as the victim).

Most of our rows currently get to the "right we're splitting up" bit quite quickly. I do not want to leave my marriage unless it is absolutely necessary. i want us to seek help.

This is all slightly by the by (sorry for length). My main point is that the mortgage has awlays been in my name and I owned this house before I met him and up until baby arrived always paid the mortgage. At the moment I am not earning, so he has to pay mortgage and it is on a poor deal so we need to change it to bring repayments down. We may only be able to do this by putting it in joint names, but i am terrified of doing this in case we split up tomorrow and I lose it. Maybe that seems unfair but if we do split up I expect him to play dirty, and it seems like I am handing him this on a plate and could become trapped not to mention potentially losing everything that I paid into into it over the years.

but i don't have a good excuse for not agreeing to it (currently we are in the red every month as cannot afford repayments) and the mortgage offer will run out end of january. We are not ready to have the big talk yet, so i don't know how to get out of this without a confrontation which I just can't handle at the moment.

Can someone help me see sense please?

PS have got patricia evans and lundy bancroft books and am reading both at the mo.

Go to your current lender NOW and ask them what deals they have for you. They should be able to automatically put you onto a new rate without any form filling or asking questions about earnings etc. Your problem might come if you have to change lenders.

DO NOT put his name on the mortgage if your relationship is in this state.

I would not put his name on the mortgage in such circumstances either.

Why do you not want to leave your marriage?. Fear of "failure?". What is in this relationship for you?. No-one benefits from being in a verbally abusive marriage. He seemingly does not want to change his ways.

Your DD is only 13 months but she will learn from both of you about relationships as she gets older.

You may well be "difficult" to live with but I would argue that a lot of your emotional state now is due to his behaviours towards you in the first place.

I'd strongly advise against transferring the house into joint names. If you have to, make sure your solicitor does a trust deed so he only receives a share equivalent to the amount he's contributed to the mortgage. Difficult to work out, of course, as you can't predict what each of you will contribute in the future.

If you divorce, the court will make whatever order is appropriate in the circs irrespective of whether the house is in your name or joint, but if you can point to a trust deed which sets out your agreement, it would help.

TBH, if things are as bad as you say I'd just refuse to transfer ownership at all.

Like they all said, you would be crazy to lock yourself into giving away half your home to someone who is unpredictable. Go to your current lender and explain and see if they can help, you have nothing to lose by asking.

Good luck

Thanks very much - I was pretty sure that would be the advice. I will see if I can stall the decision somehow until I know what I am doing.

Maybe this will force us to have the talk that we need to.

Attilla, I have zero desire to be a single parent and DH has not always been like this so i know there is a loving supportive non-abusive man underneath. I would rather take the chance to work things out so that my DD can grow up in a loving household with both parents if possible. If its not possible then I will leave because I do not want to subject her to aggression and lack of respect but I do need to try. (as does he, obviously)

Because you are married I think he automatically has a claim on the marital home regardless of whose name it is in and who pays the mortgage. Although I'm sure it will strngthen your claim/rights to not have him on the mortgage.

namechange, just a thought about this:

"DH has not always been like this so i know there is a loving supportive non-abusive man underneath"

I used almost the exact same words about my ex. Is it possible that the unpleasant verbal abusing side of him is the real thing and not the loving supportive persona he managed to maintain for a while? We're all our best selves at the start of a relationship but sometimes the "nice guy" persona doesn't go very deep and can't be maintained for long.

I'm not saying this is definitely the case, but the nice/nasty cycle is absolutely typical of an abusive man and no, it never ever turns to nice all the time.

That's a very good point, NicknameTaken.

The OP starts: "I am married (6 years) with one DD of 13 months.

My husband in the last few years has become more and more verbally abusive."

The last few years... out of a mere 6? How many years were good? When did the bad start, and was there any particular trigger? And most importantly: what steps are being taken by both parties to change things? - as clearly without will on both sides they're not magically going to get better.

To quote again: "if we do split up I expect him to play dirty". Very likely. In other words, you do know in your heart of hearts this is the real him. I bet it's him doing all the threats to split up, and I further bet he doesn't mean it. It's just a technique to bring you to heel. And it's nasty.

BTW SleighGirl is right, he can register an interest at the Land Reg. under the Matrimonial Homes Act.

I wonder if your depression anxiety etc are directly related to living with someone that is constantly trying undermine you and tear you to pieces...

You need to see if you can get a better deal on your mortgage, and tbh you need to have a big talk with DH and tell him to shape up or ship out.

Most of these VA people are just big bullies, tell them to really sling their hook, and mean it. Show them you just don'care if they stay or leave, that usually gets them to mend their ways.

Good luck to you OP, you can do it, just take a deep breath and go for it!

Don't don't whatever you do put him on the mortgage.

Be strong and keep posting xx

Any your anxiety / depression is probably exacerbated by his treatment of you!!!

And not any

Ok, just a couple of points from a practical perspective...

Firstly, if the mortgage is in just your name, your mortgage lender should have asked him to sign a document to waive his interest in the property. If he is over 18 and lives in the property, then he can derive an interest (married/related or no). If you tell you lender that he lives with you, they will sort this out as this is a massive risk factor for them.

Secondly, you should be able to switch to a different rate with your same lender without any extra credit checking (and without putting him on the mortgage). This probably won't be the best deal on the market, but if you go to a new lender, then you will have to go through the whole credit scoring process again (which if you aren't working, will probably not work out for you)

Thirdly, if you own the property as a Joint Tenancy, then both of you own the whole of the property (and if you split up, he is in a much better position to take it from you)

An alternative is to own it as Tenants in Common, where each of you own a specified portion of the property (you 75%, him 25% for example).

My advice would be to put him on the mortgage, and get a solicitor to draw up a trust deed as Tenants in Common.

In the event that you do split up, if he is on the mortgage, he is legally liable for it and will ruin his credit rating if he misses payments.

It would involve paying him off a small amount, but at least he will be obliged to keep paying the mortgage.

If you split up and the mortgage is in just your name, and you are unable to pay the monthly installment, then you will be repossessed and he will have got away scot free.

Hope this helps?

Thanks for all of the advice here, emotional and (hoping for a sunnyday and others) practical.

On the former. You make a good point nickname taken, but this all started quite clearly for me after his Dad died suddenly. A year after that my sister (in law, but we were very close) committed suicide, then a year and a half after that my Dad died in an accident, at which point I was pregnant with our first. So the last three years have been rollercoaster.

I let him off with his temper after his dad died because I thought he was grieving and would recover but this did not happen (more fool me). It has by no means been constantly bad during this time - we had many great highs in between a few lows, but recently (exacerbated by new baby, change of life-gear, and sleeplessness) there are not many highs and a lot of lows.

He has always had a fiery temper, but he didn't abuse me in this way prior to that (not that I remember anyway).

I do agree that some (perhaps much) of my emotional state is down to his attitude to me. But I also think that anyone living with me would get frustrated by my general shitness. I cannot face up to paperwork, every year I get fined because my tax is late, I am always late for everything and my tactics for housework avoidance are legendary. I know none of these things means he is allowed to treat me like that, but when he tries to put all the blame on me for his frustration, I wonder that anyone living with me wouldn't get frustrated.

Annie - I know, that bit scares me.

Whatever you think your faults are, verbal abuse is not acceptable. Please take my advice. I took on a joint mortgage with a similar type - I didn't ringfence my deposit (over 100k) and now going through divorce where he is going for kids and house!

IF you do, at least draw up a financial agreement. I didn't want to 'hurt his feelings'so I didn't. BIG MISTAKE!
Mine is playing dirty and I feel very isolated, angry (and I'm normally a calm type!).

In fact, I'm sure you love the guy but I wouldn't even get a joint mortgage. Tell him straight. Until he's backed off with the VA you are not prepared to.

Be strong. I wasn't and I'm now paying a very expensive price.

Sorry to be so negative. But I wouldn't wish my situation on anyone.

Vx

"I have zero desire to be a single parent"

No-one does but that's the price that sometimes has to be paid for getting you and your DD out of an abusive situation.

The answer to this is an obvious no. You're already distancing yourself from him by calling him your partner in the thread not your husband, partner is usually a term used by unmarried couples.
If you end up with a joint mortgage with this man then you can't complain you have been manipulated into it as you foresaw problems.
I'd tell him you aren't happy enough with the relationship to put the house in joint names, although if you are married he may well have some rights to it anyway.
You both sound as though you see yourselves as victims.
From his point of view though if I was paying for a mortgage that was in my husband's name only I would want it changed. You can't live on this guy's money but not be willing to give him some of it back if you split. I'm amazed he didn't ask for the mortgage to be transferred to joint names when you married. I would have.
You either want this marriage to last or you don't. If you want to be married to him and expect him to pay your mortgage then it's reasonable to put the house in joint names.

I wouldn't put him on but...

when I got a mortgage with my ex I used an inheritance to put a very hefty deposit on the house so we went to a solicitor and got them to draw up a legal document which stated that in the event of a split I would get what I put in back. I made sure this was expressed as a percentage of the equity rather than just getting my deposit back.

When we split I got my percentage (40%) of the equity and then we split the other 60% between us.

It was there in black and white and he couldn't contest it. We weren't married though.

I think you need to go to a solicitor with your husband and do something like that. Though with you being married this may complicate things anyway.

To be honest, his abusive behaviour aside, I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want to be on the mortgage if he is paying for it. Though you do need to protect the assets you brought into the marriage too.

given what you have both been thru in life experiences i think you both need counselling. to talk about those events.

death of loved one is no excuse to be angry with those around you all the time... anger is part of grieving process but should not be directed at others- bereavement counselling can help. if he is angry at you because his dad died something is wrong... was the sister in law his sister or your brother's wife? ie was your H's loss or just yours?

on the marriage/relationship - maybe the individual counselling is what is needed at this stage. not together. not til you both sorted out your own stuff.

i can see that if he paying for you/mortgage etc and you not earning he would want name on mortgage and house - but you also need to see solicitor to draw up something in event you split.