Planning on leaving - advice needed

[PuckBunny]

Hi

I am planning to leave my husband this year - long story, won't bore you with all of it but basically have been to Relate twice which clearly didn't work. Part of the reason for leaving is his financial situation. We bought a new house 3 years ago, part-way through the purchase he owned up to being 17K in debt on a credit card which I knew nothing about (and he'd previously been £5k in debt which again I knew nothing about, and we had paid off). We paid off the 17K with the sale of the house and the promise from him that he would change and take a greater responsibility in our family and with our finances which has not happened. I have decided it's better to cut my losses now and start again - just me and our 8yo son - and go our separate ways. Needless to say he has no idea I am planning this. It would have happened two years ago but for the credit crunch.

Anyway, need advice really. I need to get a few things sorted in the house (some redecoration, new taps etc) to make sure it has a good chance of selling, which is why I am planning this for a few months time. In the meantime, what else should/could I be doing to help me when the time comes - ie should we use any extra money to pay more off the mortgage every month? I work p/t currently and think I will have to work f/t - what benefits etc could I be entitled to? What will we do when the time comes about settling joint financial affairs - we have a joint account which both our salaries are paid into and all the bills come out of.

Also, I did a credit report against me earlier today and found that under the 'financial association' tab, there is a record against his name for Rank Gambling. I am thinking the worst about this - could I be right? I would like to do a credit report against him, although I know that is a criminal offence, but I need to know if he has got into trouble again. He has a separate credit card which he insisted on keeping and using for work expenses which should then be paid off -the last time I saw a statement (early last year) the balance was 4K (gulp) which he promised me he was claiming back from work - which is feasible. There were also two credit checks by MBNA on the 'financial association' tab last March.

Sorry for the rambling post, my mind is all over the place at the moment. I am so so scared of making this move as I know he will be difficult about it, and it will be hard for me financially (although if I work f/t I will earn 37K so not as difficult as for some), but I really think my son and I deserve to live in a happy home together, not one where there is no affection or love, and a constant worry over whether my OH has got into financial difficulty again.

Any help or advice appreciated - thanks.

Note - to try and get as much help as I can I also posted this on Moneysavingexpert - hope that's allowed??

Hi Puck, not an awful lot of practical advice, but just wanted to toss a few ideas out there (I'm assuming here that you've decided you're going, so not going attempt to address anything but practicalities!):

1. Do you think your partner will fight for residency/custody? You've probably thought that through, but you haven't mentioned it, so I thought I would!
2. You can go to www.entitledto.com to see what benefits you might get (I doubt they'd be terribly impressive at £37K income, but might add a bit, and will presumably be more if you're working part time).
3. Have you thought about childcare for your son (assuming you retain full residency) if you're working full time?
4. What will you do in the v short term when you tell your husband you're leaving? i.e in the gap between telling him and selling the house
5. Joint affairs can be settled either through a solicitor or between yourselves, if split is amicable enough. I'm afraid I know nothing about maintenance, so I don't know where you'll stand on that
6. If you have any joint savings, it might be worth making sure your part is safe and can't be spent on paying off any of his debt
7. Can you make sure you are not implicated in any of his debts?
8. Would also recommend using the budget planner on moneysavingexpert site to see how you'll cover all your bills in the short term (even if he's going to pay maintenance, which isn't a given, you may have to muddle through for a while)

Thanks for the reply. I think he will think about fighting for residency but not got a hope of getting it as he works away a lot (sometimes abroad).
I did have a quick look at the govt website for tax credits, which aren't much but would help.
DS already has childcare as he goes to before/after school club when I'm working. So it would probably be more of the same or possibly be asking friends to help out once/twice a week. I have thought about arranging my working hour so I can still pick him up at 3.30 two days a week if possible, I think that would be an enormous help.
Hmm, not really thought about the 'gap'. I know it will be difficult, but I don't really see what else I can do but stay put. I have no family near by, but he does so maybe he could move out? Probably won't though as stubborn is his middle name.
As far as maintenance goes, I've had a look at the csa site - but in my budget, I'm not relying on getting anything from him so if I do it will be a bonus.
I might move my savings over to a new account.
Yes, I will try make sure I am not implicated.

Lots to think about....

keep the 'evidence' of the debt and the gambling site payment - it may help if he tries to fight for residency.

definitely move your savings elsewhere and also remove your half from the joint account - having got bank Statement to show the balance before you do so.

Not much extra help available at £37K unfortunately.

when you do leave, you can disassociate yourself from that black mark, so to speak - it's easy enough IIRC

If he will voluntarily leave the house then great - but if he won't then you need to see a solicitor to get a legal separation drawn up - vital if you suspect he's gambling.

If you jointly own the house you'll need his agreement to sell it - otherwise you'll need a court order as part of the financial settlement.

If you can agree the financial split between yourselves great - however whatever you agree must be endorsed by the Court, as there is a child involved and their needs and welfare are paramount.