anyone had old mother leave even older father

[marl]

Just wanted to hear if anyone else had experienced retired parents separating. Am struggling to not excommunicate the whole family at the moment! Mother left father after over 40 years marriage, before Christmas, which she should have done 20 or 30 years ago - apparently a common phenomenon with younger wives who still want to do stuff with their lives who are living with grumpy controlling men! But doing it now when they are both old draws us, their children, into it all. Sibling and I now having to sort ancient and difficult father out, who has now decided to go back abroad to his home country (the guilt, the guilt!). He keeps ringing and telling me messages for her, which I have told him to give to her directly instead of involving me. She is now living with us for a month until he leaves, which is driving me mad though I guess I should regard it as a small price to pay for her being a good mother the rest of my life. At several months pregnant myself I am starting to lose my calm totally! Any other experiences of this happening?

Sorry this is happening to your parents, but nobody should live unhappily, regardless of age. Perhaps you could try to cope with it by attempting to change the way you feel and focusing on the courage it took your mother to leave after so long, in pursuit of happiness. And tell them to not involve you but to sort it out between themselves?

Oh, and when your dad phones and begins the sentence "can you pass a message" or "tell..", say "hang on a minutes" then go and get your mum. Straight away. Don't give him time to start.

Your mum is still a good mother, she's just leaving your dad. All will be well.

Bless, Heqet ... what a lovely response. I second it.

thanks both. Good anyway to feel a bit of support. Not looking like there are any others experiencing anything similar recently - guess that's a good thing !

How old is 'old'?

well, if it's any consolation, I wish my parents (both past retiremnt age) would split up

they should have done it 30-40 yrs ago

they possibly still will (he verbally and emotionally abuses her and she has been on long-term anxiety medication due to this)...and I know it will be a fucking nightmare if and when it happens

but I would be happy for my mum if she could finally make a permanent break insstead of losing herself a bit more with every passing year

This has resonnance in our extended family. Couple married nearly sixty years. He was a nightmare (truly!) and she put up with it partly because she felt there was no alternative and her generation just didn't divorce.

When he died, she was very honest with other members of the family telling them how it really was for her. IE she had not had a happy marriage. Interestingly some relations took this as a slur on him (!!) didn't respect her honesty and have subsequently treated her like shit.

Its been such a waste. I admire your Mum and hope she finds space in her life for herself.

To answer your question, dad in early 80s. Mum much younger.

Yep, Hunibee, agree that it situation is dreadful and could certainly have continued like that here. I had a friend once whose mother was in same situation and was waiting and waiting for older husband to die, and when he eventually did, she went 6 months later despite being only in her 50s. That has always been another fear really, so I understand this is better, but at their age you end up getting dragged in to sorting out logistical issues, care homes, message passing, phoning social services, sorting medicines etc etc and getting to know things about your parents relationship that you really don't want to be involved in! Had they done it years ago you wouldn't have had to either...

Thank you OP. You have just strengthened my resolve to leave (D)P sooner rather than later.

What has also been interesting (whilst being very sad) is how their skewed relationship has shaped other relationships in the family. Everyone danced round his bad behaviour for years and now some of his abusive and controlling behaviour is still alive and kicking - in the next generation... and the next.

His emotional legacy has been allowed to flourish because it was easier to sweep his behaviour under the carpet than to face it. And in that process, his pattern of behaviour became the norm in that family.

my parents divorced last year after 25 yrs, v similar circs to anyfuckers

Pleased for my DM but they should have done it years and years ago (like when they were making us listen to the same arguements over and over)