Husband stealing

[SupportHelps]

I do believe you can "steal" a husband as it just happened to me. My husband and I were having problems (he's bipolar) so I remained supportive and he would go back and forth with wanting to leave (it's part of the disorder). He came to me recently and asked again for a divorce this time saying that friends were telling him to leave and he didn't feel comfortable asking someone else out while still married. I asked him if it was a friend of mine and he was adamant it wasn't her and stated reasons why he didn't want to be with her (a lot of drama around her and very immature). I also asked his friends if they were telling him to leave me and they said no. I asked my 'friend' if she told him to leave me and she said no that she only told him he wasn't doing me any favors by sticking around. Uhm, isn't that telling him to leave? Then she stated several reasons why she didn't want to be with him including the fact that she had a boyfriend and that her friend was married. Although I am heartbroken about him leaving I supported him through this thinking there wasn't someone else and I just needed to give him a little more time. It turns out they slept together a couple of weeks later and continue to do so. I know it wasn't before because he and I were together. I also know this is just his 'manic' phase and for those who don't understand, he can be completely in love with you one day and the next, he questions his existence. I believe she lied to me and deliberately connived to take him away. Other friends of mine recently told me this isn't the first time she has done this with a married man.

His behavior towards me now is one of absolute disgust - as though I've done something wrong. I have seen both a couple of times and was cordial to them. My husband was kind and civil even giving me a hug (yeah, this was for show so everyone would think he's the greatest). She treated me like I was the other woman.

I am stuck because I cannot do anything. He has always said I think in circles and don't have a good grip on reality. I went to counseling for a year because of it thinking maybe I needed help. My thinking is very logical. If you ask me to stop saying something or acting a certain way I stop. I stop because you are important to me. Once I would change a behavior or attitude, he would later say the opposite when he was in his manic state. I would ask him why because it would leave me confused. He is the one who thinks in circles and it's part of the disorder. It is really hard to live with, which is why I am torn.

He did it again recently in a rage saying the complete opposite of what he did several years ago. My questions to help me understand are never answered. This is how I know it is not me. I will take fault in how I used to react when I did not understand the disorder. But the past three years, I have been nothing but loving and supportive. He continued to have his ups and downs and I never fed into them. I figured time would show him my loyalty and we've only had three or four arguments in two years. Fantastic improvement, but he only focuses on the arguments and says he doesn't want to go back to the way things were three years ago. I keep telling him things haven't been the same as three years ago - for three years!

Everyone's situation is different so you cannot lump every man who is "stolen" as a cheater. I do not consider my husband as a cheater because he came to me first before the relationship happened. I know some of you may think it was happening before, but I know it wasn't. And every woman who sleeps with a married man is not a home wrecker. There are women out there who start dating someone only to learn later he is married. That happened to me several years before I met my husband and, of course, I was pretty upset with the guy. Unfortunately, I was naive enough to believe the lies (for a short time anyway).

What I'd like to know now is if he is aware of her boyfriend and the tryst she is having with a guy at work (she told me about him). If I told him, he wouldn't believe me and it would push me farther away.

I know many of you would say walk away from him, but I cannot do that at this time. I want him to go to the doctor and get help because when it's good - it's great! If he were on the right medication and getting counseling, I believe we would experience less episodes. I started counseling this month with a bipolar specialist to help me through this as well. I will only take him back if he agrees to go to the doctor and get help.

Is there anyone else out there in a similar situation? I'd love to hear from you and how you get through it!

By mathanxiety Tue 12-Jan-10 03:28:27

Hey, I found you -- I posted this in AIBU then realised you had probably moved to Relationships.

I had a very similar experience to yours; my exH showed a lot of symptoms of bipolar disease, and also narcissism, which is eerily similar -- I never found out exactly what he was primarily suffering from because he completely excluded me from his treatment and diagnosis and I got absolutely no support from the doctor who treated him, who was apparently bound by confidentiality factors ( Hello medical community ! A husband does not exist in a vacuum, though mine did to a large extent, in his head)

The shifting goalposts and the inability to recall important details of agreements reached, words said, gestures made can all be interpreted as gaslighting (see this site) as well as being indicators of bipolar disorder. As my ex had used a knife to stab the pillow on my side of the bed one night while suicidal, and as our children were all in the house living with us, I felt it was wise for the sake of our welfare, maybe even our lives, to start thinking about ending the relationship. He also told me he had cut himself with knives many times. I hid all but the most versatile and most used kitchen knives -- I was down to just three sharp ones in the kitchen, and I even hid those every night so he couldn't find them.

Later I found he had been disconnected emotionally from our family for years (sought excitement, danger and thrills outside of home, was deeply into porn, etc,. unknown to me all I knew was pretty incessant anger, threats, tantrums, eventually violence) and I ended up getting tested for every std in the book after finding some of the hookup sites he had been on. I would be no use to my children sick or dead this was a factor in my decision that it had to end.

Want to add I also was accused of suffering from every form of warped thinking and mental illness and emotional disorder known to man (exH's mother gladly supplied him with all sort of printouts and research whenever he complained about me) and as a result I am familiar with most recent literature on the subject of mental illness and emotional disorders -- I read and soulsearched and read some more, because he sounded so very convincing, and ended up realising he was projecting the whole time.

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Poor you! Poor him! What a bitch (the OW)!

Your right though, your post illustrates how things are not black and white the way most of us like to think they are!

is he on medication already?

"I know many of you would say walk away from him, but I cannot do that at this time. I want him to go to the doctor and get help because when it's good - it's great! If he were on the right medication and getting counseling, I believe we would experience less episodes."

Well, you love him, and you want him back. But, he doesn't want to be there. Although now you can not help him or get him to the doctor for the right medicines, you can wait until the tide turns and he starts to question his motives, and hopefully come back to you.

I have never had a relationship with someone who was bipolar but my best friend is married to one, and one of my school friends had a father who was.

It is a roller coaster, and perhaps from inside of it it is more difficult to appreciate how extreme the highs and deeps are (you are used to them), than when you are seeing them detachedly from outside.

So, there is not much you can do at this time, bipolar ex or not, you are exactly in the same position as many other women whose husbands have left: You can't do much about it but perhaps reassess your life and realise that as painful as things are, this break up may be a blessing in disguise.

You can become almost addicted to optimism when you're on the roller coaster. A counsellor told me it would be better if I tried not to take any of it personally, neither the good times (don't interpret these as meaning he loves me) or the bad times (don't interpret these as reflections on how I was doing as a woman) -- none of it was really about me.

I came to realise he lived in a very lonely little world of his own. I was there but not as a 3-D person -- I represented something to him, but he didn't, and probably couldn't, relate to the whole me, warts and all. I was one step up from talking to himself in the mirror, since I provided clean laundry and cooked meals, but when he talked to me, he was mostly talking to himself.

please don't separate the person from the actions. illness or not he has done this to you. my mistake in a previous relationship was to excuse his behaviour as he blatantly wasn't well (but wouldn't get help) i eventually had to accept that his problems were a part of him, and that he wasn't ready to part with them (or he would have gotten help) and that i would always be compromised, bullied and tormented by him.
not any more
i don't have any contact with him, as we didn't have dc's together, but i know that he will have started a relationship as soon as possible. having a relationship means he can deflect his behaviour, he can make someone feel like sh1t just to make himself feel bigger and better. whoever she is i pity her, and wouldn't trade places with her for anything

I agree with miristella.

Love isn't unconditional. He is not your child, you don't have to love him no matter what. He obviously doesn't care about you. The fact that he is bipolar doesn't mean he can get away with hurting you and treating you like this.

A person with problems that primarily express themselves in the way they conduct themselves in intimate relationships is not a good candidate for an intimate relationship.

What overmydeadbody said.

No, don't tell him about his girlfriend's other activities. They're in for a very dramatic time, by the looks of it - should suit him nicely in his manic phase!

And it's not your business, anyhow. I know it feels totally like your business, but it's not.

You no longer have to be involved, confused, back-footed, distorted, or to doubt your own sanity. You are logical. Welcome back.

It sounds strange to write this, but it is actually comforting to know I am not alone. Although I don't know if it will ever lessen the pain. I've been very fortunate as he never was violent and he never cheated on me. It does explain all the hidden porn. After trying to talk rationally with my "friend" about why she did this, it was deflected back onto me and none of the questions were answered. Also, she twisted things I said back to me so I can only imagine what she told him. That's actually how this started. Within 30 mins of talking with her about why she was telling him to leave, he was screaming at me to stay out of his life. She told me previously her sister was bipolar so her behavior leads me to believe she is too. That's just great (sarcasm). Well, I knew their relationship wouldn't last long because my husband has said many, many times including just recently he knows he will do this again. He has done it with every girlfriend in the past so coupled with her being bipolar, I cannot imagine it will take very long for an explosion and while I know what he is like in a rage, I don't know hers. Will she become violent with him? Will it lead to him being physically hurt or arrested for a false accusation? This is the same woman who asked me a few months ago to spy on her ex to help her custody case out.

Right now they are in their "honeymoon" period. When I asked her last month not to tell him to leave me, I told her it wasn't fair to him to do this when she's leaving town in a few months anyway. I would be left to pick up the pieces.

I read somewhere and now cannot find it that bipolar people go quickly from one relationship to the other. Anyone out there have any experience in this? Did it last long? Did your spouse/SO come back?

When you've been in love, and shared your life, with somebody who has a mental abnormality - it leaves you confounded. Your emotions keep trying to evaluate the relationship (and "what went wrong?") as if your partner's feelings had been reciprocal - like yours.

I'm still struggling with this, many many years later. But then, I have other issues.

I hope you'll find it in yourself to write those doubts down to a distressing experience with someone of unbalanced mind. The sooner you can be your self, and trust your feelings to know a good, stable kind of love when you see it - the better

Wishing you well.

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I started counseling and am finding it very helpful. Your words too help as I grow to understand what bipolar is. So many things make sense now. The counselor and I are going to start exploring what my husband means about how I talk in circles. Because you know they say when somebody is mad and they say something there usually is a bit of truth to it. If he thinks I talk in circles then being open to understanding my own faults will be beneficial no matter the outcome of my marriage.

ItsGraceAgain, I know what you mean. How do I trust again? My counselor and I touched on this because every man I've been with has had some issue. Alcoholic, verbally and physically abusive, drug addict, gambling addiction, etc. - so do I have a sticker on my forehead for every reject? It's not like you ask a guy on the first date for a resume and references, you know? So what do I need to do to change my attraction of such unstable people?

I am kind, loving, giving, forgiving and will do almost anything (within reason) to make my man happy. I am also strong and independent and although I won't take any guff, I have learned how it's important when to say something and when not to. Not in a way that keeps me walking on eggshells, more of in a way to keep my inner peace. I hope that makes sense to you.

My head knows what is right, my heart wants more of the good times. I know time will heal this. It's weird not having talked to him in so many weeks. I don't want him to forget about me or the wonderful times we shared. I don't want him to think I've abandoned him and I want him to know he can come to me whenever he's ready. I want him to know I'm here for him...at least for now anyway.

i loved my sister and would give her anything but didnt realise she liked to take rather than be given,i had a wrong first marriage but early on when things were at their better my sister came and told me that shed had a bit of a thing with my then husband,i didnt know how to react and had never loved my husband so i just laughed it off, after all i would give her anything. 20 years on i am now happily married to one of the good ones and my sister hasnt been part of my life for a few years now,but the shocking thing is she is best friends with her husbands sister they go everywhere together,look and dress alike,confide in each other but yet again unkown to the sisterinlaw my sister has been at it again,the men dont have excuses they are just dogs but there are women out there who get a kick out of other peoples blokes

I dunno. Your view of what has happened seems to be that your DH has left you because somebody told him to.

This can only be a tiny part though of a much more complex reality, surely? People don't walk out on marriages becuase somebody tells them to.

Sounds like you've had a dreadful time, and that things can only get better for you from now. You deserve a relationship that's equal.

MorrisZapp, you are correct. It is only a tiny part of the reality. Reality is, he keeps saying how much he loves me and wants to be with me and within two weeks, he would withdraw again - sometimes for months. The difference this time was we were talking about how he was riding the fence on whether to stay or go. I continued to show him support and felt like he was coming closer to me again when this skank walked into the picture.

My husband keeps saying the same thing - how I deserve better, someone who will treat me as an equal. He knows it's the BP causing this and doesn't know how to fix anything. That is why I have stuck it out. Now, having been on these forums reading the stories of others and getting myself educated, I truly believe I will make a difference if he chose to come back. No more passive support, but pro-active support. If he chooses not to come back even after the skank leaves him, I will be all the better for having learned more about myself. ;-)

I'm not religious, but I've been listening to Joyce Meyer in the morning and today she said by releasing the anger and giving forgiveness we will be rewarded double what we give (something to that effect).

Someone referred me to Out of the Fog and I found it very helpful too. www.outofthefogsite.com I hope it will help others.