'But We Took You to Stately Homes'...a thread for adult children of abusive families

[therealsmithfield]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/angry/hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/lifetime experiences of being hurt/angry etc by our parent?s behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotional abused and/or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesnt have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/or current parental contact has left you feeling damaged falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful if you have come this far and are still not sure wether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts;.

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect you feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defenses that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety will undoubtedly us it during confrontation to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behavior. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offenses against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behavior. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get," or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ....

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realize that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller

Personality Disorders definition

follow up to pages first thread

Im sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out grin. I personally dont claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will recieve a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support.

Happy Posting (smithfield posting as therealsmithfield)

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diving thanks for that and for the mention of Edna's predicted tactics from hereon in. Yup. Already it begins... the continual attempts to reverse whatever good I am trying to do for myself now. But I am arguing back, instead of slumping into a pit of hopelessness/depression as in days of old. Still moments of that too of course.
Reading in black and white in a post from your good self that this is bound to happen, helps immensely.

starting I really related to your post. I feel it is only now that I am realising how much of a bully my own mother was/is too.
One of the other posters wrote recently of how they hated being inside their own home, feelings of nervousness and anxiety at being stuck in the house... that happens to me too and it has taken years to pinpoint why.
I think I link being home to being followed around the house or sought out by my mother for some viciousness. I never new when it was coming...hence the anxiety. I never had a choice then as I was pretty much imprisoned and never allowed out. She was in control and she had all the power.
You need to give yourself huge kudos for what you have achieved already in standing up to her. By standing up to your mum you are beginning to take back your own personal power.
I still remember the day I stood up to mine two(ish) years ago and ended up in a lot of distress afterwards. I down spiralled into anxiety and depression and ended up at the GPs. If it hadnt of been for my two lovely Dcs I dont know if I would have caved in at that point.
I think the feelings you describe are as Diving says. They are residual feelings from your childhood when she had all the power and you had none. How frightening that was for you then. You have to remind yourself it's no longer so. Once she literally had the power to destroy you. Just knowing this fact helped me, realising I was tapping into past feelings.
I now feel that I have come a long way in shrinking my mothers power. I hope to go further still.

starting great post and I am in the midst of that terror right now. I think it shows what a powerful hold they have over us, but it's also so reassuring to know others feel this way. Maybe I'm not as mad, weird, difficult as I was always made out to be...

queen of course your not and yes it is 'very' normal. In terms of your father...in your mind now he is still the one who can control you physically and mentally. Except he cant.
Could you change your number? Or speak to phone provider, they may be able to block specific number? In my mothers case she began ringing and witholding her number, so I blocked all unknown numbers. I changed my mobile number too.
Im here if you want to talk. This must be very gut wrenching. Dont let them guilt you into anything.

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Oh my god diving. You have just given me a huge reaslisation here. Yes, I reaslise now when i went NC that was the feeling of panic, guilt, all consuming anxiety. I thought I was harming her by doing what I was doing. When I saw that after all that she was/is just fine and in fact for her it's just business as usual I felt bloody angry. Angry I realise now that she'd duped me into thinking I could hurt her physically by abandoning her.
My god this all makes perfect sense now. The first time I EVER left my mother... Fought her tooth and nail to go away and train as a nurse. She refused point blank to let me attend uni. She could not stop me however from nursing because I was going to be paid and so self sufficient but still able to leave home live in nurses quarters...away from her grip.
Only I never finished my training because I began to have horrendous panic attacks. I ended up in hospital, she came and collected me and I never went back.
Sorry I am currently about discovering something that should have been glaringly obvious really.

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I'm using all your posts, above, as inspiration. I'm going to keep on reading them until I feel properly connected to my sadness & anger - they're here, I feel them & can express them, but my well-trained mind still keeps them at one remove.

I still fantasise about the children I "may have one day". I'm menopausal.

After I've finished the compassion book, I think I'll do "Homecoming" again. It introduced me to my first feelings of compassion for myself; now I've got a wider emotional repertoire, I may benefit from a second visit.

Keep ranting! You have no idea of the power in your posts

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Hi guys

The thing I still have a problem with is that sometimes I think it is hard to convey this abuse to others. Often it is so covert, manipulative and sly that you feel like you sound mad trying to explain it to people. I get angry that some loved ones still seem to feel sorry for my adoptive parents - that they can't see the abuse like I do.

My therapist thinks I need to get away from this black and white thinking of 'they are either with me or against me'. That others will not see it the same because they didn't experience it. I need to trust in my own experiences rather than seeking external validation.

But is it too much to ask that people believe me and take it seriously? That the close loved ones in my life are on my side. People seem afraid to say 'yes they were bastards and you deserve to be angry and have nothing to do with them'.

I suppose it is the guilt and the worry that I will be perceived by others in a bad way because I don't like or love my adoptive parents. Because I am finally standing up and saying yes they did abuse me and I was an abused child. How will people react? Will they believe me? Think less of me?

Is this why people get away with child abuse?

Are we afraid as a society to stand up to it?

What exactly constitutes abuse? There is a wide spectrum so is some abuse excusable in the context of a normally loving family e.g. smacking, shouting, agressive outbursts. I know logically perfection is impossible and that all families/mothers have bad moments and I would even argue abusive moments. When does it become inexcusable though?

I know it is shades of grey but surely there are some absolutes? It is so confusing.

Rose, I think the only important thing is that you experienced abuse and how it has affected you. Your posts suggest you're working through your thoughts & feelings quite thoroughly at the moment. You have my sympathy; it is hard, and often frustrating. But worth it!

The truth is that every single person on this planet sees the world in a slightly different way (some people, like our Mums, in a very different way ...) My reminder of this is the colour turquoise. You know how some people will insist it's not turquoise, it's green? And others be equally adamant: it's blue? Well, the colours we see are a result of how the brain processes information about the light coming in to the eyes - turquoise reminds me of how different brains process the same information, differently!

The above might seem shallow or irrelevant to you, Rose; it's just what helps me, when I find myself exasperated that someone doesn't see things my way. With something like an abusive childhood, the factors influencing other people's perceptions are strong. Maybe they, too, were abused, but remain in denial - by hearing your pain, they might risk opening their own hidden wounds. Or perhaps their childhood was stable & secure, giving them no knowledge of how to understand your pain. Similar to how we, ourselves, can't fully empathise with those who've known the horrors of war: we're sympathetic, but we can't know how they truly feel because we haven't suffered it.

I feel you're working your way through this, Rose, and will find your own understanding quite soon
Just thought I'd post in case anything I shared might help with that.

I've been thinking about how important it is to you, that people see things your way when it comes to your childhood abuse. Do you think you're still having difficulty accepting that it is real, Rose? That those things did happen to you, or that they have influenced the adult you are at present? Validation is important - it's a big part of our self-knowlege - and I wondered whether you're hoping for some kind of breakthrough statement from the people you discuss it with. If I'm not wildy off-track, it could be worth revisiting this with your counsellor.

Thanks Smithfield just read your post. I thought I didn't like being in my own home because I hated housework etc but just had a starling realisation that actually its because I didn't feel safe in my home. God thats terrible isnt it to be scared of being in your own home. Away to think some more about this..... but what a relief

Not read recent posts so sorry if barging in. Just wanted to say sorry felt like I disapapeared last night. But I was far too [shock shock].
I am reading digesting but just reeling a bit from last nights revelation. Feelings of immense anger are surfacing atm. But this is a good thing too. Because alongside the anger is a feeling of PROPER liberation. The likes of which I never truly felt when I went NC.
I am finally F'ing well free off the lot of em.
I also now know wher the anger that Ive had toward DH, ds and to lesser extent dd has come from. Of course it all makes sense now. I can not bare feeling others needs. It reminds me of 'her', needing me to mother her. Feeling something dreadful would happen to her if I didnt serve 'her' or subliminally if I left her.
So when anyone shows they need me Im busily tapping back into that and there it is the flash of anger, the anger I squashed until I hit my teens and it all exploded.

I have just come from my first session with a new therapist.

It was profound.

I don't exist. Only the people around me do, their needs and the the way I make THEM feel.

I know that this will resonate with some of you here.

I also now know why I burst in to fits of giggles in front of abusive h the other day.

I am very excited at the possibilities. And absolutely knackered.

Diving Diving, to give birth to a cripple. You never could do anything right'

Your mother. Grrrr. She's bloody hideous.

Going back to the example of me lying in hospital after having a 'fit' (a panic attack). The doctors said after examining me that I had 'grand mal epilepsy (sp?)'. I was DEVESTATED, I was 18 and an 18 year old who believed she was perfectly fit and healthy. I was in shock.
The curtains then swish back...enter my mother.

Me: sobbing 'Mum they say i have epilepsy'

Her: pissed off (no physical contact) rolling eyes 'Dont be ridiculous, smithfield...get dressed we're going home'.

But at this point my mother looked happy. No she looked elated...joyous.

She was feeding off my misery. My shining new career (away from her) lay in tatters. But she was actually happy because she got to take me back to the lair and continue to use me as an emotional punchbag.

Saddest Glad you had a good session today.

Whoo-hoo, Saddest!

Yes! It resonates. No wonder you're knackered. And excited

Grace and startingtheal - your words have meant so much to me tonight, thank you.

I am hitting a new phase in my healing and working through my thoughts and feelings more intensely. It is exhausting but I am making progress. It is a journey. I am past the denial stage but definately in the seeking external validation stage. I know deep down I need to trust my experiences and self validate but it is so hard.

I still fear rejection from those I love and I still feel like I am different to them and maybe less worthy because of what I went through - like maybe it is something to do with me intrinsically. My ILs are very educated, upper middle class people who had traditional and loving upbringings. How could they possibly understand? I fear talking too much to them about it, lest they think less of me. I sometimes wondered how I ended up here, with this family. An abused, damaged child from an uneducated working class background (although I managed to educate myself to degree level).

This all sounds like snobbery and I know it is partly the internalised voice of my adoptive father who has a huge chip on his shoulder about class and education.

I am taking this journey day by day now and that helps me to deal with it.

Still agonising about what to do about my Dad. I printed out a letter at work today to him saying that I wanted no contact with him for six months and that I remembered how he treated me as a child (non-specific) and that it was unacceptable. Got it in the envelope and put a stamp on, but couldn't put it in the post tray.

I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff which is exactly how it was before I left my ex last year. Then I felt I was taking a leap into the unknown, but now it feels as if the ground beneath my feet is crumbling away and I'm starting to slip. I know this is a one way journey, but I don't really feel I'm making it of my own volition. I feel like I'm being pushed and partly I want to cling on for dear life.

Shall I send the letter? I feel so confused. I really want my memories of the abuse not to be true. Almost as if I don't say it out loud, then it won't be real. I feel stuck and scared. Thank god I can talk to you, my head is consumed by this.