Does your DH still want sex?

[SarahZ]

Funny posting really - my DH completely gone off sex during pregnancy and a year after births of both our DCs. Won't talk about it either. Anyone else have similar experiences?

His mother and I have had major issues since DCs were born. In a nutshell, she became v jealous of me and didn't like there being another mum person in the family. DH didn't cope well with this conflict at all.

Wondered if the two might be connected?

Have tried dates, time together, talking to him etc but not getting anywhere. Any suggestions?

Not a funny post at all, but an important one. I do think it is a sign that something is not quite right( aren't men programmed to think of sex all the time?), but am unsure as how to handle it - particularly if he doesn't want to talk to you about it. Do you have any signs that he still finds you attractive, or has any sexual urges whatsoever?

I think you need to see a counsellor. Your relationship will come under a lot of strain if this conflict continues.

I did think after birth of DC1 that he still fancied me but then he seemed to shut this off. We managed to conceive DC2, but did so v quickly. Think he goes solo now! so that does concern me, yes.

If I were you, I'd go to your GP and chat about this and ask for some NHS counselling in the first instance.

I suspect there's something deeply Freudian about his mother affecting how he feels about you once you became a mother yourself. Because Mothers are capricious goddesses to be worshipped and feared, not cuddly bed partners. Or something.

Agree about the counselling thing. Get him some quickly!

Go to Relate. Lack of sex is a HUGE indicator the relationship is cooling down. The longer you leave it, the most difficult it will get to sort out, and there is a point of no return.

So act now, and forget about the NHS... you can not get this kind of counseling on them, I'm afraid.

Thx for advice, think you are all right about counselling. He does not actually think that there is anything wrong and that sex just doesn't happen when you have two little ones. I would agree that it probably happens less but that you make the most of the opportunities you do get.

He finds other things that he must do when the opportunity arises and doesn't see that he has a problem here. I don't know if he geniunely doesn't see that he has a problem or just doesn't want to talk about it.

How do I get him to agree to counselling?

He's in denial about sex - his own needs and yours - and definitely needs help. But you will need to convince him, and the best way forward is for you to get some counselling on your own first.

Well it is a problem if one partner isn't ok with it, is it? He's right that sex tends to take a back seat when you have young children, but that's more about lack of opportunity, not a prohibition! But in his mind it IS a prohibition. If he's quite happy making excuses, then sorting himself out, that's fine and dandy except for the small matter of a frustrated wife, which is at least partly his responsibility. We're at least half a century beyond the concept that only men "want it" and therefore as long as his needs are seen to, all is well.

I do strongly suspect something he's been told by that barkin' mother...

Well try to keep talking to each other for a start, my DH and i have gone through long periods (over a year at a time) in the wilderness when we've both been happy not to bother but i came out of it fairly recently and I had to have a few conversations about it whereby he admitted that having sex and having babies had become inexorably linked. And as he doesn't want any more children, he didn't want to have sex either...! I pointed out that there were such things as contraception. So i think that getting to the bottom of what is making him reluctant is important.

Most recently though i told him that this issue was really starting to bother me and was making me sad and unhappy about us and the msg seem to have sunk in as he's become more attentive and caring in other parts of our life, as well as being more willing in the bedroom department.

Suggest counselling if you think you need it but make it clear how much the issue saddens and worries you as an indicator of the health of your relationship. FYI our kids are 6 & 3.