Help need Separate or Divorce

[Jade4]

Hi, first time on here and friend recommended this place. Ok been married for 7 yrs got DS 6 & DD 4 and past years had hubby very busy at work and our relationship has taken a up and down turns. Last yearh has been very down went to relate helped show that I was not unreasonsable and I was not the priority in his life or the family things. He is a work achololic (sorry spelt wrong) and since finishing relate things improved for a little while but not much. Feel let down by him by me always arranging the babysitter, 1-2-1 time for us he just does not bother unless I suggest busy with work on his mind. He plans time out with work drinks and old work colleagues but not with me which upsets me the most. Arranged a lunch with him in the summer was nearly an hour late couldn't stay for long as has to go & pick up DD from pre-school and cross he was not late. Then it goes on he is on his computer every night and works until the middle of the night and I either get on with my chores or watch tv on my own. No conversation he is boring. Things came to a head at xmas all he was concerned about was his team reaching their target for quarter not letting me/us known when at least he would be home to spend time with us even on new year eve. Hacked off and feel I am flogging a dead horse with DD not interested to spend quality time with me or what to arrange it but likes all the creature comforts clean clothes, dinner and me being the stay at home mum. Feel lonely and in a dead marriage with someone that is more intersted in sorting out every work problem rather than work at our marriage. MIL said to me New Year eve midday that both of us are unhappy and we should spilt which was a shock. What separation but can't afford to move out of home as dont work. Feel broken & hurt and dont feel in my heart I can carry on with this dead marriage and not in love with him anymore. Help and advice?

Hi there

Sounds like an awful situation for you to be in.

When he talks to you about the marriage and his feelings, what does he say? Does he feel the same way as you feelings-wise or is he is just so in his own work zone that he doesn't realise the severity of the situation?

How about being honest about how feel with him and then perhaps going back to Relate to work out how you move forward?

what does he say about how he feels, does he want to make it better? presumably it was good at some point, doesn't sound like he is very happy either?
Do you think it can be fixed? Or do you think that you have come to the end of the line?

Thanks for replying sorry went to sleep last night and first chance to get back online now. He does not talk easily about his feelings and does not tell me how he feels just quite which does not help things. No I really dont think he does want to make it better as he has given up trying. It was good at some point 2 years ago. Come to the end of the line. Feel he needs to leave the house and be on his own for it to hit home that this is serious as he has all the normal creature comforts clean washing, dinner and DD & DS here to give hugs to. Feel need some space for a few weeks at least.

thanks for replying. He said in relate before he wanted to work at the marriage and loves me but he doesnt put anything into action and work at it. He feels the same as em feeling wise I think he has gone off to the US for a week with work and this will give him some space to think and we have agreed to have another talk then. He knows that this time I am serious as I am making moves to ask him how much child maintenance he would pay etc

I have been honest with him how I feel but he hasnt with me. Trying to still get back to see my relate counsellor but last week appt got cancelled coz of the snow. Waiting for another appt to come up.

you both sound very unhappy. And you sound very resigned to the idea that it is not going to work. Maybe some time and space to think is a good thing. For you to think about the alternatives. If you think you would be happier without him, then maybe that's what you do. But it seems very sad that it just seems to be drifting away. If you think you have honestly done all you can do, then it's probably up to him.

you sound very unhappy.
you are a sahm, you say, I imagine both children go to school or school and preschool?

What do you do when the kids are at school? Do you go out, take any classes, do you have any friends that you see? Any voluntary work?

You dont say in your posts whether you do anything at all, but it occurs to me that you sound very bored, and you seem to look to your husband to provide you with the entertainment. He is not up to it, as he is the breadwinner, and he is interested in his work.

Do you have any interests?
It is possible to have an interesting and fullfilling life even if your husband is a workaholic. I know, because mine is, too!

What is going to happen if you separate/divorce. What will you do? What sort of work do you think you can get?

Thing is, he is probably perfectly content with the situation. He has a comfortable home and regular meals and either you are willing to allow him sex when he wants it, or he isn't very interested in sex. So there's nothing missing in his life, and he thinks that as long as he occasionally remembers to 'reboot' you by saying 'I love you' then things will continue to run smoothly.
I thnk Quint maybe has a point that you would be happier if you had something to involve yourself in, whethere that's a hobby, a cause or just a social life of some kind but if you are expected to do all the domestic work and childcare in return for your keep, this might be hard to arrange. Do you think your H would accept that you need some free time ie would he look after the DC one evening a week while you go out? If not then you will see that he is in fact selfish and sexist and thinks that you are a 'woman' ie a domestic appliance, not a person, and that his needs will always come first.

thanks for all your replies. skinsl - He has given up but him being away this week in the US will give us some space. But I also feel that if we lived apart it would give us some space to breath.

2010a - thanks for the feedback got DS a school full time and DD at pre school 4 mornings a week. When they are not here do normal chores,and go to the gym. Did do a course at Learning direct centre and passed and evening class on literary so get out and about. Been looking for getting back to work part-time since last Spring 09 applied for jobs but not joy. I do run photograph workshops and do parties for people at home every other month and when the demand is there. When I was looking for work I said to him that if I find a job that start early could he do one school drop off and his reply was he had to get to work....nice just thinks of himself and realise that he has parental responsibilties. He is able to take time off he is a director and can manage his time so this is no excuse. Is it unreasonable for me to ask for help from him to maybe do 1 or 2 school drop offs a week if I get a job. Did have a evening job 3 days a week but had to give it up 18 months ago as he could not guarantee to get back home on time or came in the door late and I had to rush to get there for 6pm. Enjoyed earning my own money again and being in the work place. Looking in to voluntary work again to fit round DD as she finishes at 12.20 each day so not much time to give apart from 2 - 4 hours a week. He is not keen me doing this as how will I get the other house stuff done but to be honest I said to him I will do it like normal around this and occasionally evening or weekends - like everyone else .......don't they unless they are a cleaner.

If we separate/divorce I will go back to getting a full time job or part time whatever I can get in this current climate. DD starts school Sept 10 full time I heard so will be avaialble to work more hours. If needed will get childminder but not many around at the moment or won't pick up from pre-school as 5 mins car journey from school where DS goes .....as childminders around here prefer to pick up from pre-school behind school which is not linked together. If needed will get au pair like my friend in Manchester.

soildgold - thanks for writing yes you are right he is perfectly content with the situation. Nothing missing from his life and him saying I love you doesn't get him to get me into bed... Been trying to get myself involved with more forgot to say that I do work at the school once a month helping the library for 2 hours so am doing things. H does know I am looking for work and keen to get something more to do. Planning a 1 evening a week does not easily happen as he cant get home on time before 7pm if I am lucky. I just need to get out again and do a college course but they all start at 6pm ish dont they so stuck a little in a rut. Will chose my day to go out one evening and get it set and he will have to be home on that day and that will have to be that - will put my foot down again. He doesnt like it when I do this and want me to be a at home mum...... I am not like this always have been a busy person. Will get back onto job websites again and contact the local voluntary place to offer my time.

Will keep U posted.

Jade, it seems to me that you do have a pretty full and interesting schedule.

I think some men do get stuck in a rut, he is perfectly content, as he has life served on a plate. He is the main breadwinner, he is the main earner, and frankly, if you get a job, he will either need to accommodate this, or not. I suspect he will be unwilling to do so, because he is used to the status quo and his job is "more important".

I think there are many unfulfilled wives out here!

The question is, how do you get him to realize that your happyness is important too? How do you get him to realize that it is because you have been running domestic life so smoothly and backing him in his working life, that he has been able to focus on his job and his career? How do you get him to realize it is your turn now, as you want to join the workforce.

He might be scared of this independence. Maybe you will even leave him? He should worry that you would, if he wont accommodate your hopes and aspirations too!

You need to have a long talk with him. Explain to him that you want to work too. You want to have a life beyond the domestic sphere. You matter. And for him to continue to have the back up of a good wife, he need to take on some parental responsibilities too. The alternative could be divorce with shared custody where he is full time dad one week, and "free" the next. Though, you rather he realized that he should make an effort so that you too could have a more interesting life.