How to get out the black hole......

[devastatedbuthopeful]

I'm sure that this has been discussed before but I've just joined. In October I found out that my H of 21 years had been having an affair for 3 years with a woman he works with.
He has moved in with her and wants a divorce.
I still cannot let go of my feelings for him even though I know it is useless, and remind him every day that I love him and would take him back. He is amenable and rings me a few times a week and we can talk when I get my emotions under control.
I cannot seem to get out of this cycle of self doubt, sadness, hurt and anger. It is not in my nature I am usually very confident, happy and optimistic. I have to face moving out of my home and plan to move away from the area to be nearer family and old friends. I will have to leave my job and the friends I have made since living here. I am so scared as I have been with him all my adult life.
He says he will be supportive as a friend and financially but the trust has gone, and OW is also an unknown quantity I am worried about.
So any advice as to where to start?

I feel for you so much.

There will be others answering you later on who will give you better advice than I ever good but I wanted you to know that someone cared.

apologies: "ever could"

First... don't fight the feelings, it would make them more intense, just accept that you will feel sad (is reasonable), that you will continue to love him (also reasonable as you can be annoyed with what he did, but that doesn't mean that 21 years of good things are now invisible)

HOWEVER, try to avoid thinking about it, I know it sounds dificult or imposible but with practice you can. Just remember that there are no "what ifs", things are like that unfortunately and nothing that he or you could have done would change the present.

If you start reminding a bad memory, just try to think of something else. It's difficult but worthy, every time you "run" a bad memory in your mind, you are hurting yourself again.

And most importantly, I know this is bloddy difficult but this is the most significant piece of advice I received: "Don't see yourself as a victim, it disempowers you".

I will be difficult for some time, but one day you will wake up and realise you have moved on. Honest!

it will be difficult ...

It's still very early days and you are in shock at the very least. Try to break things down a little. Are you in any position to work out what you want? If not, I would suggest that you don't change anything yet or make any life-changing decisions either. He's been involved in this situation for over 3 years while you've only had a few months to come to terms with it. You are entitle to deal with things in your own good time.

Very big of him to be supportive but only really works if he is your friend which, given the way he has behaved, he clearly isn't.

Try to find another source of support so that you don't find yourself leaning on him - it'll only hurt all the more when he fails to be the 'friend' he clearly is incapable of being.

Stop telling him you love him and would take him back this is doing nothing for your emotional health

Ah, and sometimes it helps to keep a distance from him. If you are feeling like this, any contact with him will only make you feel worse.

Thanks for the advice and support. I do bring a lot on myself, I know. Perfect example was this morning, H had said he would come today to discuss where we go from here. But I got a txt to say he couldn't make it. I was furious as I see it as another broken promise and that he let me down again. Like you say 'some friend', which is what he says he wants. I rang him and ranted very tearfully at him for half an hour. I can't deal with this as I see it as yet more rejection.

Things are too raw right now. Perhaps this is not the best time to talk about "where to go from here"

I split with my ex in very amicable terms, yet I was in no way ready to negotiate next steps until 6 months down the line. Sadly any amicable terms we had between us are long gone, but at least now I know what I do need, I know what I want and I have the strength to fight my corner when necessary.

Raw is the right word, however, I do need to sort myself out, it is self destructive. I am alone in this house, my 2 D are away at University, apart from work and a couple of friends locally, I walk the dogs, but I feel very isolated. I need to move out for my own sanity.

It feels like this right now, god knows I really wanted a change of scenery when things happened. But keep in mind that your job is helping you by distracting you from the situation and with regards to friends, you will be surprised how many acquaintances turn up to be real friends if you open up to them.

Try to do something with your time, join a class, try to contact old friends, etc. I remember finding it really comforting going for a walk in the city and then sitting up at Borders with a magazine on hand and a starbucks coffee on the other one. Small pleasures that make all the difference.

Don't underestimate the importance of work. My H and I separated in August and I got my first job in 14 years the following month. There have been days when I have really questioned whether that was too soon but it's good to have somewhere to go each day, where I am not seen as wife or mother, and where, however i feel, I do have to be professional.

I second Mongolia's suggestion of a hobby. I would suggest something physical that requires all your attention such as dance, singing, pilates, learning an instrument.

Give yourself some time to work out what you want so you regain a bit of control. If you don't know tell your H you don't and you'll need more time.

Thanks all good advice.

Oh and: get yourself a solicitor. Don't sign anything, don't even verbally agree to anything, financial without legal advice, especially now when you know you aren't thinking straight. Good fences make good neighbours, they say; and good legal representation makes amicable divorces.

Yep, done that bit already, the only thing that has been practical and a step forward

I still suggest that you don't decide anything about finances yet.

For a couple of reasons:

1. You still don't know what are your actual needs and what will happen if you keep/let go of certain things you own in common.

1. You can not negotiate with a clear mind. It will be your fears doing the talking, which is, in my opinion, a direct way to get into a bad bargain or create a lot of upset for now and the future.

So sit tightly until the dust has cleared.

Understand what you are saying but I just need to move on.