How do I deal with this?

[secretskillrelationships]

I feel so angry and frustrated. Split from H in the summer because I finally realised that he wasn't interested in staying with me. What he really wanted was for me to call time so that it wouldn't be 'his fault'. Stupidly I spent years trying to make things work, including 18 months with Relate and several attempts with individual counselling. Turned out he'd had 'doubts' about our relationship for over 12 years!!

It's all compounded by the fact that we moved to a new area in the summer of 2008 and have not really established ourselves here yet.

He's completely landed on his feet. Moved to somewhere where his neighbours simply can't do enough for him, coupled with a trio of women who clearly feel the need to look after him. One, who also claims to be my friend, texts him up to 20 times a week!

BUT where is my support. I recognise that in dealing with a difficult situation I have been somewhat inward looking and therefore not the best friend but completely shocked by my so-called friends' responses. Having let people know over Christmas, I have had only one phone call from a very old college friend. No-one else has been in contact. The woman I would have counted as my best friend has not even called over the entire Christmas period, only told me she was unavailable by e-mail.

My sister sent a card to us all, including ex, and family keep telling me how well I am coping which would be great but they haven't actually bothered to ask how I'm coping first! And I'm not coping at all.

So, I now feel completely unsupported while trying to support 3 devastated children. I have no-one to lean on and little chance of making new friends while in this state. He's also muscled in on the few new friends I have made in the area and, while I know it shouldn't make any difference, I don't feel I can continue to build relationships with them while they make so much effort to support him (and not me).

I feel so hurt that he can just walk away from us all without a backwards glance but also hurt that no-one recognises or acknowledges how hurt I am feeling. I think I've been stupid in agreeing to the 'mutual decision' line when really it's his decision - only mutual in the sense that I feel that I deserve better than to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

people do go off radar over xmas, i wouldn't take it personally.
i think you are spending alot of your energy trying to get listened to right now: would it be worth getting counselling over this? that way you can keep your friendships about having fun. ime friends can't always give the support we need, and likewise i have been unable to give friends the support they have needed at times, but that doesn't mean i don't care because i do. maybe you could seek counselling and organise a girls' night in or out?

I wish I could say something really helpful. I was wondering whether joining something like Gingerbread would bring you opportunities to socialise with new people:

www.gingerbread.org.uk/portal/page/portal/Website

When I said the Christmas period, I actually meant the school Christmas holidays. I do appreciate that people are busy and I'm not looking to dump on anyone but the fact is that I have not had a single phone call to see how I am since the children broke up 4 weeks ago or even to say hi.

I have been going to things on my own but, to be honest, it's bloody hard turning up to events where you are the only person not in a couple.

I tried to organise a get-together on New Years Day but hardly anyone could make it. Although it went well, I did feel a bit of a billy no-mates.

I really felt for my lovely neighbours who turned up, and stayed, even though no-one else showed up for over 1/2 hour. Luckily they were fantastically socially adept, talked to my lovely children and helped what could have been a very awkward social situation. For heavens sake, even they asked me how I was doing (ex had told them, but not me!). This was the first time I had met them properly too!

To cap it all ex took voluntary redundancy in March so have had no income since then. I've got myself a job (part-time as I don't feel I can rely on him at all and someone needs to be available for the children) which I think is pretty impressive as I haven't been employed since before I had children. But it doesn't leave much time for anything else and I don't have family around to babysit etc. Besides which, youngest has not wanted to be left with anyone since we moved (my guess is that he's been picking up on the uncertainty).

So, on top of everything else, I'm anxious about money, so trying to watch the pennies. I have had poor experiences with counselling but will try again when the children are back at school as I know I'm beginning to lose it now but not sure when I will be able to find the time. But what I really miss is having someone I can moan to on occasion like you do with your friends.

Hi secrets. Sorry you're having a hard time. I'll sure you'll get plenty of support on her to make up for what's missing in RL, though I know it's not the same.

Have you considered that maybe the reason people seem to be offering support to your H rather than to you is because you give the impression of being a strong, capable person? And if you were the one (who was manipulated into) ending the relationship, people may assume you're happy about it. Strong, capable people often miss out on sympathy because others aren't at all sure how it will be received. I know from experience that sometimes you have to show a little vulnerability and then it's surprising how many people rally round you.

Tough times. You're doing a great job keeping yourself and the children together at such a difficult and lonely time. Keep up the good work! And do feel chuffed on getting a job too, thats brilliant considering the position you find yourself in.
I'm in a similar position in terms of reasons for break up - been trying to sort it for 5 years, not doing it anymore!
I have certainly felt everyone is siding with him (all our friends are the same people!!) at times. The way I found to get over this is to be open and honest (you don't have to give all the gorey details, just the facts of the matter) with all so you get your side across. People seem like they're rallying round him because he would appear to be the aggrieved party. Many people won't know what to do or say so don't do either which is frustrating but you just need to concentrate on nurturing the relationships with those who appear to care and be honest with them, show your vunerbility and get your needs met. Thus, building new friendships and networks too.
Easier said than done but you knew it wasn't going to be easy when the realtionship ended.
I don't know how old your kids are but you could get in touch with the local nursery for babysitters - ours have many of the girls who do babysitting so you can go and do sports or go for a drink or cinema etc in the knowledge that your kids are with an experienced and 'qualified' type person. Its a bit more exepnsive but safer, in my experience.
Keep it up, you did the right thing and it will get easier, think yourself lucky you're not still stuck in the house with him, like me!
Good luck.

secrets, whereabouts are you in RL?

Thanks OptimistS. You're probably right. Unfortunately, in the past, my experience has been when I have shown that I am finding life difficult, people run a mile. It took me some years to work out that people see me as this capable, strong person and resent it when I don't act that part. People are quite happy to lean on me but don't feel any need to reciprocate.

To be honest, I'd be happy to show a little vulnerability but to whom? I really don't feel up to ringing people who've ignored my letters and not even sent me a Christmas card. My 'best friend' was due to ring me in early Dec, finally e-mailed 2 weeks ago to say she wasn't free over the holidays. My family tell me how well I'm doing but don't actually ask. They haven't even been to see me since the split (they live 1.5-2 hours away) and when we all got together after Christmas (I went to stay with my mum while ex had DCs), no-one even asked me how I was.

Sorry, there's so much more to this than I can easily summarise. Been with H for 21 years and I thought I knew him but I simply can't match what he has done with the person I thought he was. I thought he was my partner, ally, friend. Together we made a formidable team supporting each other to be their best. To be honest, I thought we were so lucky. We had our ups and downs but my belief in our relationship and our ability to sort out problems was absolute and he appeared to think the same. Even while going to Relate, it simply didn't occur to me that we couldn't sort this out together. And, to be fair, the counsellor felt the same (well for the first 12 months or so). At no point did he suggest that he wanted anything else. It was a complete shock to realise that he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me and had been having doubts for nearly 13 years!

Sorry, was trying to come up with an answer to OptimistS post when you both posted.

Am in East Hants so no near Gingerbread group or Mumsnet one either!

Beginagain - I was in similar position. Took a long time to really recognise how bad things were but definitely been difficult for over 6 years. I think it just drains your energy, which leaves you with very few resources when you do split.

I don't think people do think he's the agrieved party particularly, just that we're not that established here and now I'm working and he's not so he's free to meet people for lunch etc. Also he's had more free evenings etc too. He also seems to have developed a completely blase attitude to money which is probably okay for him as he has the potential to earn 10x what I do if he ever gets his act together.

Some people have been remarkably nosey asked what's happened but not people I actually know! But, as you can see from my last post, not easy to explain. Brief summary would be he had a one-night stand 13 years ago, didn't find out until 4 years ago but he started to question the relationship from that point onwards (in his head) and that has been slowly undermining the relationship.

See it's a crap explanation, doesn't really make sense to me either so not sure how I explain to others.

I think: he did something stupid, failed to own up to it and then started to blame me for his behaviour (if the relationship had been that good he wouldn't have looked at another woman, he did look at another woman therefore the relationship must be crap. Which would work if we hadn't spent the whole weekend before the work trip in bed together!)

Still doesn't work though does it? Any suggestions welcome!

sorry you are going through this. I think some people are just crap, some people do genuinely care but are scared about saying the wrong thing, upsetting you etc.

sometimes it is very hard to know into what category you should put people and when this happened to me I was unpleasantly surprised by how some people just dropped me.
BUT i was also pleasantly surprised by how great some others were.

It really does help to have someone to talk to, I would recommend counselling. Even with the nicest and kindest of my friends, I felt guilty going on about it and crying all over them. I had about five sessions and felt much better.

It took over a year but it does get better and I am actually glad now that I had this opportunity to sort out who was important in my life and who was not.

Would moving back nearer your family/friends be an option?

Spero - would that I'd had the opportunity to feel guilty about burdening my friends, I have spoken about what happened to two people since we split - one rang my H as soon as I'd put the phone down and the other was my H's flatmate. Really, that is it.

Not really sure what was going on with the last counsellor I saw but the sessions merely added to the stress I was experiencing at the time. Have got some recommendations from a counsellor I rate (she won't see me as seeing oldest child) but all quite far away.

lilacclair - can't really move back, we moved here for DCs school. Long story, but now have all 3DCs in a school where they are all thriving. Family not really that supportive anyway, haven't relied on them for anything since I was 11! Friends are the ones who've already crossed me off their Christmas Card list so not really friends methinks.

I know I've just got to get on with things and it will get better. It's been a tough 18 months with a very traumatic house sale, move and then starting children at a new school. It's just tough to do it all on my own and would probably have made different choices regarding school if I'd known my H wasn't committed to our relationship. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me and yet I've still got to go out and be the sociable person people would like to have as a friend when most of the time I just want to sit and howl.