I've just had another sh*t date...

[littlestmummystop]

I've been single for 9 months, was in a pretty loveless relationship for three years before that...

So am trying the whole internet dating thing but not quite sure how much more I can handle.

This one I actually liked too! It was date three.. he seemed so enthusiastic before, then CHristmas came and went, I was away, we couldn't meet up. He still sent enthusiatic texts though..seemed keen, but gave me a few hours of his time yesterday afternoon, hungover and he seemed thoroughly unenthusiastic and looked liked he'd rather be anywhere else. Then said he was busy with work next few weekends..

I actually asked: 'You seem to have lost enthusiasm for this...' and he didn't have an answer.

I was so looking forward to seeing him, Horrible let down. Again. It's been my 14th online date in 6 months and not sure how much longer can do this.

I always put online that I don't have a child( so I don't attract paedos) do you think men are put off when I tell them that I actually do ?

"I always put online that I don't have a child( so I don't attract paedos) do you think men are put off when I tell them that I actually do ?"

It's a worrying quantum leap you are making here - paedos??? - and yes, I think I'd be a little surprised to discover someone had a child when they'd given absolutely no prior indication.

But it sounds as if this guy had lost all enthusiasm and if he wasn't prepared to give you any more information, you have to put him down as someone you wouldn't have wanted to know better anyway.

I understand why you don't want to advertise that you have a child but I think a lot of single men would not automatically date someone who had children.

I've been toying with doing an experiment where I post two profiles online - one admitting my age and child but with my favourite ever photo of me and another only admitting the age but with a less flattering photo. I honestly believe I'll get a better response if I'm perceived as single with no responsibilities. I won't ever actually do this, of course.

Did his enthusiasm disappear when you told him you have a child?

Sorry to hear that - how did you leave it with him?

I work in child protection and have dealt with a number of cases where paedophiles have used 'lonely heart columns' etc deliberately targetting women with children so it isn't an urban myth like a lot of paedophile things.

However I think as other people say stating that you don't have children when you do is going to cause a problem. For a start it probably shows you in a slightly untrustworthy light (ie if she's lied about that what else is she lying about)and also you are going to be attracting men who you are unlikely to really bond with as thye are meeting you based on a lie ifyswim (a bit like claiming to love out door pursuits when you don't).

However if you do advertise you have children it is easy to protect yourself and children just by using a bit of common sense. For example ensure they don't meet the children for at least three months (or whatever you think is appropriate). If they are too keen to meet your children or show a bit too much interest in them then that's when your alarm bells should be ringing.

I think you are doing TOTALLY the right thing advertising that you have a child on a dating site. In this day and age it's very dodgy.

After all any man worth his salt isn't going to be put off by the fact you have a child. This is how you sort the men from the boys. He's obviously an idiot.Don't give up.

I certainly never intend to advertise the fact I have a child on a dating site.

And also the right man would understnad why you didn't mention your child.

Perhaps a bit more conversing by email or whatever virtual media is comfy is best.

Personally my latest beau is from a dating site - and the guy before whom I dated for two + half years. But I chatted for a long time with them before I actually met up. I think you have to be a bit careful with online dating but eventually you'll see if they are your cup of tea or weirdo's or whatever... you can suss out from the way they talk and chat, whether they are a bit obsessive or stalkerish. I think you have to give it a bit longer than a few interested messages before you jump in and meet. I had loads that put the spooks up me and some that weren't consistent etc and I just narrowed it down to the guy I have now and I was right (we've been together since August and he's lovely). The previous guy was sweet and I adored him but he lived too far away and that became our breaking factor sadly but we are still 'buddies' altho we don't meet as I am in a relationship, but it didn't end 'ugly'. I chatted with both for at least a couple of weeks on a daily basis. I have a child too and throughout this became apparent. Then there are no surprises.

I just think that any man reading a profile that says I have a child would pass on and I want to maximise the chances.

Also I want someone to get to know ME as a person and not just have me labelled as a mum fullstop at the start.

Also I don't think paedos necc would be eager to meet my DD straight away. Most are more devious than that and it could come months later... So I don't regret putting 'no kids' and in fact this guy I liked said he understood why I'd did so.

Sadly though, fact is, for some totally unknown reason he went off the boil. I hadn't even seen him inbetween times so guessing he met someone else.

So hard to keep throwing the dating dice. Pah.

Hi OP. I;m kind of a veteran of this so understand where you are coming from.

I've never hidden the fact that I have a child and don't understand why someone would though. Some are put off and some aren't - no great loss I feel. Surprisingly few though. Many men (those worth seeing anyway) appreciate someone who is independent and single mums often are, because they have another, more important focus than dating and getting a boyfriend.

Anyway, it's going to become obvious PDQ if things develop beyond casual dating. At that point, I think a man might be quite reasonably miffed to know that you have a child and kept it secret and wonder..what else is she lying about?

Mind you, I'm still single so do feel free to take my views with a pinch of salt

Hi Janos, yes I always 'fess up on first or second date ( and if I really like them)

It's just in a pub you don't go out with a sign hanging round your neck with 'MUM' do you? so why advertise it online?

I do see your point littlestmummy.

I mention it but don't 'advertise' it, IYSWIM. Some people do which I find a little odd because why would you do that on a dating site?

Yes, I think they're put off, sorry.

I'm internet dating at the moment, so I know how you feel. Not always easy, and sometimes really disheartening, you just have to keep going, and wait for really fab guys to pop up.

If I met a guy and we got on brilliantly, and then on the second date he suddenly announced he had a child that lived with him, I'd be so, so shocked. I'd just be really surprised that he'd be willing to lie about/omit something so major to get me on a date.

I'm trying to think of how all the blokes I've been on dates with would react to this, and I think every single one of them would have been pretty disconcerted. By the lie/shock, not your child.

I really don't think this will help your dating. It's known as a big no-no to lie on your profile. And from your phrase 'maximise' your chances, it makes me wonder how many guys lie about the big stuff on their profiles to 'maximise' theirs...which really depresses me

I'd say honesty is absolutely the best policy. If they're the kind of guys who would be put off by someone saying they have a child on a dating site, they're just not your type anyway.