I feel like damaged goods.

[poshsinglemum]

I am having issues with a past abusive relationship. I feel like my scars won't heal and I am still bitter about the relationship and the negative effect on my life.

I hate the term 'damaged goods' as I think we are all damaged in some way but sometimes I worry that I am on the scarp heap and that my issues will stop me from finding love.

I know it is stupid but sometimes I feel like my life will be this hellish struggle alone forever.

Kick my but into gear please!

How long ago was it all posh? I totally understand where you're coming from, H has been awful to me and right now I couldn't imagine meeting anyone else, although I can see it getting a lot better with some time and distance.

Are you having counselling at all? It might help change your mindset. Apparently it's healthy to go through this stage, but if you get stuck in it, you might need some help to move on.

You really aren't damaged goods btw, you're a survivor, and you'll be fine.

Posh, I'm in the middle of reading Women who love too much by Robin Norwood and I can't recommend it highly enough to anyone getting to grips with a past abusive relationship and wondering how it happened. It's a chance to look at how you entered the "dance" with that person and what you can do differently.

Would it help if you looked upon your current painful feelings not as something bad that needs to be got rid of, but as helpful - a message from yourself that right now you have a job of healing to do?

Nickname, thanks for the recommendation, have just ordered that book!

Posh - i know what you mean!
i got out of an abusive relationship 2 1/2 years ago. it was the last of a few abusive relationships. my first abusive relationship literally damaged me for years. i was very young and didn't deal with the original issues before embarking on the next relationship, so i spent years getting over this that and the other.
when my last abusive relationship ended i had really seen the light and decided that i would listen to my instincts, as on reflection they had always been right!
the difference between the person i was before that relationship and the person i am now is major: i have confidence, i trust my instincts, i have no qualms about getting out of relationships that won't work, and most importantly i will not be bullied by anyone.
i do have days when i think ive become too untrusting to ever have a relationship, but then i kick myself because im better off on my own, being a single parent with ds than being in the wrong relationship; and also because i haven't met a trustworthy bloke yet that floats my boat but the fact that i am confident and strong means that i am capable.
having been burnt by life experience doesn't make you damaged goods, continuing the pattern of being in abusive relationships makes a person much more damaged and damaging imo.
sorry for the essay!

I have read a few of your threads and you do seem to dwell on the past a lot. I totally understand why you would do this but, for your own sake, you have GOT to change your perspective. You can't change the past or the time wasted with some abusive tosser (I wish!) but it is totally within your power to STOP wasting time now reliving it all.

There are few people who get through life without being damaged. I sure as hell haven't. But, you are right that being bitter and keeping those scars open will prevent you being happy and finding a good relationship in the future. The one good thing about past experiences like yours is that when you do find a decent bloke and have a happy relationship you will really appreciate it and will truly understand what is important in life - unlike a lot of people.

It is all in your power PSM. I don't mean that facetiously.

Hope you like the book, tiredofthe rain - would be interested to hear what you think of it. Funnily enough, it reminds me of a previous thread, I think also started by poshsinglemum, when we compared how many of us were eldest children. IME as an eldest child, I was discouraged from being needy, which set me up for a future relationship when I was doing all the caretaking and trying to fix everything.

This is a roundabout way of saying to the OP that I think it's good to be in touch with your own neediness right now rather than deny it and rush into another bad relationship. It's good to know that you need to take care of yourself right now.

Thanks all for being so supportive.

I did think that I had put the past behind me but recent events have bought it all back..

I know that I do need to work on me and move on from the past and I hope that 2010 can be the year. Being cooped up due to snow hasn't helped and made me so introspective.

I have rfead women who love to much and I'm also going to get ''Why does he do that?''

mrsboogie is right - stop tarnishing yourself with a 'damaged' self -image, it is on a par with victim status. i know i might sound 'orrible for saying this but by allowing someone else's behaviour to make you feel damaged give your abuser too much power. take the power back: you had a relationship with someone who turned out to be a twat, they have now lost you. and when you're good and ready you will get back out there and have some fun on the pull
don't see yourself as damaged, acknowledge that you have been changed by the situation, you are now a wiser woman