How can I get out?

[1chloebeth]

I've been with my partner for 5 years we have a 3year old daughter together. Our relationship has always been rocky, my partner got depression shortly after my daughter was born and I pretty much looked after her all the time whilst he slept all day and went out most nights. Things got better for a little while when my partner got a new job, but his lack of any real commitment caused the job to fall through.
He has a bad temper and can be quite aggressive at times so I've always found myself backing down rather then continue to argue my point. My partner has always complained that since my daughter was born we hardly ever have sex. I have tried to explain that his past behavior has made me very resentful towards him and unless he can make a real effort to make amends for his previous actions I don't want to be close to him.
Things seemed to get a bit better last year when he got a good job, but he was made redundant about 6months ago and predictably things got bad again. Things reached an all time low last September when we went away to my friends wedding and he got very drunk and I found out he had tried it on with one of the women there. I felt humiliated and completely betrayed. I tried to end things but he got so vicious saying how if i had given him sex he wouldn't have had to go looking for it somewhere else.
I want to leave him, but it is so scary the thought of confronting him to end it, I'm scared of being a single mum and being on my own. We jointly own our home so it is complicated and he says he will try to take my daughter away. My little girl is my life. Please does anyone have any advice.

surely being free of this horrible sounding man and not living in fear must be a better option? I would be seeking legal advice re the house and custody - can you prove you have been the main carer?

you need professional advice - I think you've already done the hard but which is making the decision to leave him

I dont work, he is recieving jobseekers which pays the interest on the mortgage. I've asked him to leave but he just got so unreasonable and took all the money from the joint account so we had no money for food, until I backed down and said we'd stay.

who's name is on the lease/mortgage etc

you NEED professional advice, is there a CAB near to you that you could phone and make an appt with?

I've been to cab they have explained that I can force him to leave but as both names are on the mortgage i would be liable to pay my share of the mortgage. he has said that he will refuse to sell so i cant leave, but after speaking to a solicitor i can force a sale on him but unless he signs the paperwork and turns up in court he could drag it out for years. It all seems pretty hopeless at the moment.

So you've spoken to CAB and also to a solicitor - excellent. Sounds like you just need to get up the impetus/energy to leave.

Unfortunately, you will be so ground down by his behaviour that you will have little energy at the moment, and what little you do have will drain away the longer you remain in your current situation.

You really need some friends and family around you to support you as you take the next step. It sounds like you are in a strong position legally but not mentally, iyswim. That is, you will be able to remain in your home and have full custody of your DD. But you can't face starting the whole process as you feel so shattered and weakened by him.

Friend and family, or failing that a counsellor, us here at MN etc, will be able to help you whip up the required anger and indignation to go ahead and actually leave him. But we can't leave him for you, you still have to make the decision and act on it.
Personally I think he sounds like a nasty, bullying tosser, and think you would be well shot of him. The thing about bullies is they are all cowards at heart, when someone challenges them they go mental, because they are scared deep down. Scared of losing control. You just have to show him you are stronger than him and he can't intimidate you into staying like last time: that it won't work again.
Repeat: you're stronger than him

cheerfulvicky is spot on: you need to get mentally strong here. you need a professional fighting your corner, giving you clear advice at each step.
please google and call womensaid, they are very good and give you alot of advice about housing, benefits, access to dc etc.
fwiw single parenting is what you make it: i instantly found it easier and so much more fun that being in a relationship with someone who just doesn't deserve me. we laughed more, my house was cleaner and i was better off financially even though i was on benefits as we weren't wasting our money on things like dope we were better off in every way. please don't fall into the trap of allowing him to abuse to when you make the break. just because you have broken up with him does not mean you have to tolerate any abuse whatsoever!
good luck

If he is agressive you can get an occupation order through the court and he has to leave, with a police escort if necessary. My friend did this recently, it took 1 month to get to court tops and she is now in her flat, that they jointly own, and he is not allowed there.
I'm sorry you are in this situation. Be strong, womens refuge is always an option.
Solicitors say stay in the house if you can bear it and IF YOU ARE SAFE which, it doesn't sound like you are. If you're not then they say get out and they'll deal with it. It takes time and emotional pain but it'll be better eventually.
You may qualify for legal aid too so go back to the solictor and get the ball rolling. Be strong, you can do it!!