I have a self obsessed, controlling, world hating friend who doesn't listen to anything he's told because he knows best and I'm starting to loose patience.

[FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas]

I am one of the world's most patient of people, I've not known this poor soul for very long, since August.

He's in his late 20s, in and out of relationships, looking for the girl next door who he can devote his life to at the cost of all friendships (which he claims he doesn't need because people always let him down and are selfish ). He's always "I want/need someone to talk to/ no one ever does anything for me/I just want someone to care about me/me..me..me..me", see's the world as him vs everyone else, gives no regard to the things that I and other people, do for him (take him warm drinks at work when it's cold, talk to him when he's down, offer to cook him tea, take him food, take him for pizza etc) and claims that no one does anything for him . Is incredibly fixated in meeting 'the right person', thinks his life will be perfect when he meets her. I've spent time telling him there's more to life then this and he should relax, if it will happen and he needs to deal with his past first etc (I'm trying to be supportive), he did meet someone on an internet dating site, he liked her and it was (for him apparantly) love before he met her. She doesn't want to know and he's pining for her, he claims she's helped him face up to things from his past that have hurt him (wasn't her by the way, it was me. I did point this out to him but apparantly I didn't say this in the right way for him ), his women history is far from good, he claims several stalkers/wierd women, the ones he likes don't like him back. When he's down the whole world is crap, all the people in it are crap, just wants to find a woman and shut himself off with her because she's all he needs.
He looses alot of friends, he doesn't see that he's hard work, if I tell him something he doesn't want to hear (I'm an optomist, I see the good in people, they are not as bad as he makes out), he gets really upset, angry and refuses to talk, I find him draining but I am reluctant to be one of those people who wash their hands off him. Even our friendship had to be on his terms, he'll accept nothing but openness, because "he's doing this", I've got to a point where I avoid him and don't mention things in my life because I want the choice who I am open with. He doesn't listen to his staff, I know them fairly well and they are on the verge of leaving because they are not being listened to, he knows best and doesn't care what other people think.

How do you deal with someone like this?

Just be 'too busy' right now to deal with him. You don't owe him anything - it's not your fault he's a whinyarse loser.
You've done your best for him, but you actually can't help him (nothing short of a good kick in the cock would sort him out by the sound of it) so there is no shame in walking away and getting on with your own life.

I will, I shall give my time and effort to more worthy people on Mumsnet!!

I do feel really sorry for him, even more sorry for the people he finds to be his friends/girlfriend.

Fluffy, I'm sorry your kindness went under-appreciated. And I'm glad you received reassurance, here, that it's safe to let him go. You did your best; it was good, and maybe you have helped him in some way. He's starved of love & kindness, for whatever reason - you've shown him some and, we hope, you've added something bright to his dull life.

I'm very fed up with every irritating personality being 'diagnosed' as NPD. It might be a little bit easier, for those who run into disordered characters, to label them as "incurably selfish" but it's cruel ... and selfish to do so.

The guy Fluffy described is lonely, unloved and sad. That doesn't fit an NPD profile in any way. He's chosen a career which keeps him away from "normal" people (games workshop) and which - I hope, for his sake - gives him some status in the fantasy world of games. Those aren't controlling behaviours, they're sane choices for someone who is afraid of real humans and doesn't know how to interact.

We, humans, know how to recognise a damaged soul. We often can't help them but, by showing them some real kindness and giving them some of our time, we might make a small contribution to their healing - if the chance arises for them. What Fluffy did was kind and normal. She may have helped him more than she knows.

NPD has been depicted by many of our wisest minds as 'evil'. To demonise every disturbed person that way is vicious. Shame on some of you.

Thankyou Grace.

if he doesn't want to be helped, he can't be.

i had a 'friend' a little like this - she typically befriended younger people & 'helped' then, then demanded more & more from them. Her woes were never her own fault, she was single cos life was against her etc. i used to think, surely if someone just gave her some staight talking she'd tried to mend her ways, but was too scared to be the one to do it.

Then I met someone who had sat her down & told her some home truths, quite tactfully, but honestly. And someone else who had gone round to sort things out after an argument, and she'd admitted all this, but still didn't change. And someone else who ...

you get the picture. She was so set in being the victim, that even when friendship & help were offered, she coudn't/wouldn't change. Trying to support her just let her continue on her path that little bit longer.

Yes, if you turn your back on him, in HIS definition of the world, you'll become just another person who failed him. That doesn't mean you have. Perhaps listening to him is the wrong thing to do for him, it just justifies his thoughts. Seriously, do what is best for you, it sounds like he won't change, even if he loses friends, workers etc. Til he wants to change, he won't, no matter what you do.

He's an odd one, he was engaged, he was bullied by her family, she left him for someone else. He just wants a home and someone to share it with, the problem is that he's so despirate it's harming him. He's consumed by the need to be with someone and hasn't delt with all of the problems he's faced. He see's it as other people having the problem, other people using him, abandoning him and taking the piss out of him. His view of people is so distorted it's far from helping him and he can't have a relationship or a friendship if he's expecting people to do this again to him, he doesn't see the people that go out of their way for him, the ones (not me) that go and sit with him when he's at work so he's not lonely. He is a 'victim' in his world. I try to talk to him (not mentioning victim) and he becomes upset and won't talk about it. I give in, I have my own problems.

It's hard. I hope he resolves this for himself though.

When you said he worked in games shop, I thought of that maladjusted guy who runs the Android's Dungeon in The Simpson's. His name's Comic Book Guy.

Giggles apart; he's plainly got problems way beyond your capacity to deal with. No disrespect intended, and your behaviour is very kind. Nothing anyone can do for him will ever be enough, as it will all be twisted to serve his sense of being a victim.

Step away from this person.

Fluffy

He is taking advantage of your good nature. This bloke is an emotional vampire and will suck you dry. Its is okay to walk away from him.

You will only get dragged down further by him if you continue with him in any way.

Grace I don't really know how to word this but I just wanted to say although I do believe that NPD is more common than people think I don't believe that the sufferers are "evil" - I understand your revulsion at this sentiment as I felt it a lot myself when first researching it. My ex was not a malicious person, he didn't belittle me just because he could, he just didn't know any other way of being. I do feel sorry for him - but I can't allow myself to be involved any more, because these people just take and take and don't give anything back. If are kind-hearted and allow yourself to give too much away, you end up with nothing. (I am talking emotionally as well as physically). It is very, very draining to be involved with a person like this. It is sad but we need to be aware and protect ourselves. I am not saying we should never extend a hand to a person in need, just that we should do so carefully and with provision for our own safety.

Dh used to have a colleague like this who was fine in work but as a friend he was hard work, always had something negative to say about everyone, always hard done by. We don't see him anymore but you couldn't do him a kindness for doing wrong. He was looking for a new job and I rang him when I saw something that looked perfect. His response? Is that all you've rung for, not to chat but to tell me about a job? (all hurt and miffed)

Typically with this sort, and in a bad sitcom kind of way, he pined after this girl who way beyond his league, and ended up with her much less attractive friend, who'd previously he'd been so rude about.

He's just a sad git, si-fi/ fantasty game player male - the female equvelnet is the Mills and Boon reading woman who thinks some white knight/rich guy in a porche is going to sweep her away and everything will be ok -

No woman will ever fill his void because as us grown up knows we are responsible for ourselves. I hate to be very cynical but very often the people who ''find'' thier sole makes and other halves were very often only half a person before and end up in obsessive or ea relationships.

I do belive in love but not as a cure all !

You sound very nice but to behonest a bit like a social worker/good deed doer who needs to be appreciated ie (you were the one who helped him rather than the internet girl) Thats not a good/healthy balance in any friendship especially a 4 month one. I'm not trying to be mean but to say you are enabling his victim hood by listen to his drivel - he thinks - you listen therfore you agree

Move on and get your son into a differnt hobby

Fluffy - he sounds very draining!
and i agree there does seem to be an element of npd here: the delusional expectations of others, the incessant sulking, and the implication that when he gets what he wants (that rather specific relationship) he will be happy.
i went out with a guy like that for a few months too many. such a lovely guy, would do anything for me, but i was the solution to all his previous unhappiness. i would get 20 odd texts a day proclaiming his undying love, and he would be very upset, offended and sulky if i wanted an evening to myself. i ran for the hills!!!!!
imo people like this are deluded, demanding and have a very childish expectation that other people should fix them - steer well clear!!!

BertieBotts, you told me right

Actually BPD has been called 'evil' by both judges and psychiatrists and, as there's some dispute about whether NPD and BPD are separate conditions, I sort of extrapolated. MB.

My point, really, was that a great many psychiatric disorders involve social disconnect, paranoid fears/delusions, bottomless need for approval & so on. Most of the disorders can be cured or managed; most of them are more sad than selfish.

NPD is "incurable selfishness". It's cruel, IMO, to label everybody with severe emotional problems that way - though it seems to be a bit of a Mumsnet fashion atm.

guilty!
i looked on a link for npd, and saw some alarming characteristics on there. however i coudn't help feeling that the traits listed were an attack on inadequate mothers of now grown up daughters. and the traits can be attributed to any delusionary, selfish pita.
but it can be quite satisfying giving these pita's a 'diagnosis'

I had a friend like this as well OP. This "friend" was always down one minute but charming the next i.e. when I was on good terms with him. He would be in a bad mood when I tried to decline an offer to go for lunch or a lift home, a bit of a long story but he was definitely after more than just friendship. It was emotionally draining and I felt really crap in his company as he made everything out to be my responsibility including some painful experiences that continue to haunt me. Do not stay friends with if you don't enjoy his company.

Anyway, in the end, he left work because of depression and was probably sacked as well which he continues to blame the management for.

I'll cut this short now and deliver you the punch line if no one has done already. He probably has NPD or some other personality disorder. It took me nearly 3 years to suss this out and I'm kicking myself for not recognising this sooner as it would have saved a lot of heartache. Have a look at this it answered so many questions for me.

Like other posters have suggested, distance yourself from him. Make the message clear cut no faffing about with trying to be too diplomatic and good luck. Do not blame yourself for the loss of friendship, no way is it your fault.

WALK AWAY

emotional vampire.

run.

Thankyou all.

When he's at work he's completely different to when he's not, he's really draining when he doesn't have anything to do. I know that he's lonely, I keep giving him suggestions for how he can meet people, the only response I get is "all I need is to meet the right person who will care for me and I will care for them". Having a partner shouldn't be the only focus in anyone's life, he's so despirate for a partner but doesn't go out, refuses to join any clubs etc. He's been relying on internet dating and takes it really personally if he meets up with someone and they are not what he's looking for, "I've been let down again" , it makes him really low, this is when he's coming out with all his crap about people using and abusing him.

I'm going to keep my distance, I don't like the influence he has on ds when I take ds into the shop, he's really immature and silly, he's not setting a good example if he's taking sweets off children.

I remember this guy fluffy .

He is a user and does not care about you one little bit. He led you on so much and thinks he is better than you (am sure I said that before)

Realy you have to stop being there for him. He is not an injered bird. He is just a self-centred twit who has a mis-guided sense of entitelment (you are feeding this btw)

When you start to distance yourself from him, he will text/call/msn you and be nice and concerned for you. He wont keep it up. He cant. Its just not who he is.

Hope you dont let this jade your feelings for others. He is just not worth it. Sorry.

I know. I've seen through him now. He'll never change, just take. I've not been to see him, I don't send him any texts, I've not been 'availiable' to talk to him on FB, I'm not 'availiable' on MSN. I have some lovely friends, they are there, they come to visit, the first thing they say when I speak to them is "how are you", not "I need to talk/I'm lonely/ I'm...." He's not worth it, you are so right. I can't be part of his self-centered world when I have so much going on in my own life.

Yay for fluffy!!

You sound like a nice person and youve done what you can for him.

I've had 'friends' like this before and had to have it spelt out to me by other (real) friends that I was being a mug. Must admit that I have always taken quite a while to get it myself - better at giving advise that taking it tbh...

No, it's OK. I think that you can't see it yourself sometimes. I don't think he wants help, he's just wallowing. I'll be happy when he leaves, I just hope he's learned whilst he's been here.

Means I can spend my time on here aswell