Sorting access and maintenence tomorrow with EA XP - tips please.

[BertieBotts]

I left my EA partner just over a month ago. I needed to give myself some space before talking to him so we haven't arranged any regular access or maintenence yet.

Surprisingly he is being fairly co-operative so far, polite to me (if not overly friendly) and has not reacted in the way I expected at all. I am a bit suspicious, to tell the truth. He was "devestated" when I left, crying when he saw DS, sending emails with suicide threats etc and just seeming very subdued and not his usual self. But 2 weeks later, he had a new girlfriend (At least I assume she is a GF as he has her in the car every time he picks DS up. He has not introduced me and generally acts as though she is not there when we do handovers.) and I noticed he is back into well-groomed mode, lots of aftershave, lots of new designer clothes, like he was when we first met.

I have agreed to meet him to sort out a regular access arrangement and maintenance tomorrow at my mum's house. She will be there but in another room and DS will be there but my sister will look after him in another room as he knows her well and he is still unsettled from the move, I don't want to leave him with someone he doesn't know well yet. XP has texted asking whether we can discuss it over a drink instead, I am about to text back saying no, we can discuss it at my mum's house.

I have a feeling he is going to be passive-aggressive and end up talking me into making the decisions, which is fine by me, but is going to be annoying if he is going to sulk at me every time he picks DS up. If I can minimise this at all that would be great.

Secondly, I have got the "Private agreement form" from Child Maintenance Options, thinking that would be easiest and make sure we covered all bases, but it has a space for "Child's address" - I haven't yet told him my address, though he knows where I live to a couple of streets' accuracy due to dropping DS off after visits. He hasn't been bothering me with texts etc so far, and I have started using my old mobile phone again (so he has my number, and it hasn't been a problem) so I'm not really sure why I am still witholding my address from him - but I don't know whether to give it to him as part of the agreement between us.

Lastly, I am worrying quite a lot about what he is like with DS now I am not there to supervise as I always felt he had no patience with him and was too quick to jump in with discipline etc - DS is only 15 months old and really only needs to be told "no" and/or removed or distracted from things, but he seems to think he has the understanding of about a 3 year old. I am hoping that he is being OK with him at the moment as he only sees him for a few hours at a time, so hopefully has more patience with him (I always find I am more patient with him when I have had a break) and he is having him during the day when he is usually happier, whereas when we lived together he saw him mainly in the evenings when he was tired and grumpy. I don't know how or even whether to bring this up as XP always just saw it as a clash of parenting styles between us and will see it as a criticism if I mention it, and get defensive. However, especially as DS can't talk yet, I feel strongly that I need to know he is safe if I am to be able to send him to see his Dad. So a good way to say this to him without making him defensive would be helpful.

Any advice, anyone?

BertieBotts, Just wanted to say well done on sorting things this quickly, Iam sorry I can't really help with advice as I split with my h of 18 years, 8 months ago and still haven't been brave enough to sort out maintenence. Good luck tomorrow.

If you have real concerns that your DS may not be safe with XP then you need to put your foot down and say, no unsupervised contact. If he sulks, let him sulk - if he is likely to do worse than sulk remember that you don't have to put up with aggressive or violent behaviour from him. There are laws against domestic abuse and harassment. Remember that his feelings are his problem and he's not entitled to make them your problem and definitely not DS's problem.
Have you talked to Women's Aid at all? It might be worth giving them a ring for advice and support. Remember that a partner who has been abusive may well try to contineu abusing you after you've dumped him, and abusers often use access/contact discussions as a way to continue harassing and attempting to control the woman who has been brave enough to stand up to them.

I understand why you are happier to keep your address private, I did the same, and I would continue at least until things are more settled.

Thanks for posts. SolidGold I think I will give Women's Aid a ring at some point for advice, I never ended up speaking to them before I left because every time I rang I would get the busy message and feel that I wasn't important enough to bother them - but I can ring in evenings etc now because no P around to overhear

How would I go about sorting out supervised contact? My HV mentioned it to me but I haven't got a new one yet and I can't really remember what she said about it. We weren't married so I haven't got a solicitor or anything and couldn't afford one anyway. The thing is it's all borderline stuff and nothing that would be considered abusive or illegal, just really opposite parenting to mine and misguided attempts at being a good parent. I just want to be sure DS is ok when he is with him. He seems happy enough after visits so I am not hugely concerned at the moment.

womensaid should be able to give you advice on supervised contact.
also if your gut feeling tells you to keep your new address from him, then do so.
last but not least - well done for getting out

Personally I would take a witness/note taker - don't make any decisions on the day - whatever he proposes, say you will give it consideration and get back to him in x days.

Then talk it through with whoever you trust - your family, friends, legal advisor if you feel its necessary and get the agreement written up, signed and witnessed.

Otherwise there is the possibility that he will play you and you won't have a leg to stand on.

stay safe x

I can show you a thousand parents who have no patience with their DC's, just walk around a supermarket! I am harder on our 22 month old DC, than my DW is, does not mean I am wrong, you do often find one parent is stricter/less patient than the other, if that is all you have I think you are being a little unfair to want supervised access. It is your call though

meant to say I always use to try to explain to our DC the error of his ways, and my DW would always be there trying to explain to me how pointless it is as they have no understanding, did/does not stop me trying

"He seems happy enough after visits so I am not hugely concerned at the moment"
different parenting styles is not good grounds for supervised access.

however, the suicide threats are, potentially . is there any evidence he might follow thru?

my exP ahs supervised - he doesnt accept the end of the relationship (and this is a very big issue) , was violent on occasions , has significant mental health issues eg self harm, has threated suicide etc etc .

has he self harmed previously, had depression etc?

risks for harm to children listed here -they include things like not accepting end of the relationship - but if he already moved on then that is no longer a risk...

have a look ..

www.lundybancroft.com/art_risk_children.html scroll down to

Assessing Risk to Children from Contact with Batterers

now as he "only" gave you emotional abuse then it might not apply. he isnt a 2batterer" as such,,,however -

look at point d Level of psychological cruelty to the mother or the children. and e Level of coercive or manipulative control exercised during the relationship. and f Level of entitlement and self-centeredness.