Relationship at a cross-roads

[AllTheKingsHorses]

Been with DH for over 10years, 2 DCs - both work part-time, though I am main bread-winner. DH had substance misuse problems for whole relationship - cannabis - gave up a year ago. I didn't know extent until after DC2 was born. Volatile relationship with big arguments but also some really good times. DH has no immediate family (tragic circumstances after we got together) and so used cannabis as a crutch. After DC2 born, worst year of relationship, where I would be left in tears regularly with DC and he would go out. He did try therapy but gave up.

After reading addiction thread here, I knew I shouldn't put up with it and I gave him an ultimatum - stop smoking or we split. He stopped and has been clean for a year. But I am full of resentment for the way I was treated and made to feel that I was over-reacting; the feeling like he is doing me a favour by stoppng; the financial insecurity but I, once more, put my needs to one side for the sake of family.

I recently bumped into an ex and it has made me question my marriage. We have had a few email exchanges - he is married with DC. Nothing is going to happen as tempted as I am if offer was there - its not, though he has said if circumstances were different he would be at my door but just wants friendship. I know he is not answer to my relationship problems and I know it is 2 separate issues, but I just want someone to look after me and make me feel secure and happy. It has taken me 20 years to realise that what makes a good husband and father, I had all those years ago - I just hadn't appreciated it.

So what do I do? I feel like I am settling in my current relationship but it is not so bad now that I feel I can justify leaving. A year ago I know I would have been happier on my own - well, felt safer - but I didn't have strength to leave. Now I don't know if it is worth trying to improve or if I have the energy - I am so tired of being the strong one. I also know a lot of the dynamics in relationship are down to me too. I worry that DH may do something drastic to himself if I said I wanted to split. I just want to be true to myself but I can't remember who I am anymore.

It sounds as if you have lost respect for your DH - particularly when you say you put your own needs aside to prioritise those of your family. Clearly something your DH has not done.

You are mourning the loss of someone you thought you could rely on and that is why the ex looks attractive at the moment. He really is just a distraction though, and if I were you I would cut contact with him.

A bit inappropriate anyway, don't you think? I'd hardly be thrilled with my DH being matey with an ex whose "door he would be at if things were different". Not v fair on his wife is it?

You need to concentrate on what you want from your relationship with your DH now.

You are right - I have lost respect. I feel like I still love DH but I can't come to terms with how he treated me sometimes.

Re ex - yes, it is a distraction and the emails are only sporadic now after a couple of weeks of more frequent contact. I will end it - it is not going to help in the long run - just a catalyst I suppose.

kings, yes, this email flirtation is just the eye-opener for you that you are settling for something that is no longer making you happy

cut off contact with your ex, it is not fair to his wife, but you know that don't you

forgive yourself for that though, you wouldn't be human if a little flattery didn't bolster your probably poor self-esteem, it has to be knocked on the head now however...

use this as a wake-up call to have a very hard think about where you are at with your DH

lay your cards on the table with him, and take it from there

because he stopped smoking, he probably thought that was all he had to do to make you happy (or at least make you "shut up moaning" )

he obviously has to do a lot more than that

personally, I would not judge you if you walked away now

if you don't feel he is 100% committed to repairing your relatonship, and you are (or at least have been), then call it a day

Hi Kings

From my pov, the key statement in your post is this:

"I just want someone to look after me and make me feel secure and happy."

Tough as it might be to hear, no-one can do that but you. So many of us are so dependent on others to provide our sense of security, happiness and self that we lose sight of the fact that we hold our own experience in our hands.

Why not see this as an opportunity to start working on how to give yourself those things, instead of hoping that someone else is going to provide that for you? They never will; and expecting them to do so is expecting too much.

Focus on yourself, however you choose to do that: time alone, counselling, therapy, whatever. When you do this, you'll find your attitude about your relationships, and your partner/s, will change (no matter what the outcome); and you'll start to become clearer about what it is that you want ... and you'll be able to give that to yourself.

Good luck!