The moment I knew something wasn't right

[BertieBotts]

I have recently (about a month ago) left my emotionally abusive, controlling partner, and have just been musing a bit tonight and happened to remember an old thread I posted on a forum. (Not MN, I had not discovered it at the time!) I just did a search for it and realised when I read through, that it is a record of the moment I first realised that there was something wrong with the relationship.

I posted because at the time, I was 7 months pregnant, it was hot, (July 08), I couldn't drive and had no access to money, and we had a lodger who was skint and ate our food every time we bought some. So instead of talking to him about this, XP decided to, er, stop buying food. But it was OK, because he ordered a takeaway every night (And I wonder why I have food issues...!)

That is WTF enough, but my reaction (to post on a messageboard asking for suggestions on how to make the small amount of food we did have last) is, looking back, also ridiculous.

Anyway, it took 13 months from then to realise that not only was there something wrong, there was a lot wrong, and I had to leave. 3 months after that and I did - and I am so much happier.

Well done for having the courage to leave. You must always be proud of that.

Does your ex see your DS?

Yes he does, about twice a week, we are supposed to be arranging some kind of permanent fixture this weekend. Not really looking forward to speaking to him, but at least if I get an arrangement down on paper he can't mess me around too much.

It's funny how it's often the little things that lead to the moment of enlightenment, isn't it? Is it a question of the last straw that breaks the camel's back, or is it because we've learned to blot out the big stuff so only the small stuff gets noticed?

It's always the little stuff, isn't it?

After far too many unhappy years with ex-dh, it was the last of a series of dead cars on the drive that finally did for me. The backstory being longer but relatively trivial!

Good luck in your new life and well done for leaving.

Well done getting out! When you're in it it all becomes normal because your energies are focused on surviving rather than questionning

I started this thread a couple of months ago under my old name. This thread reminded me of it.

similar thread.

To be fair my ex-husband wasn't abusive. He was just a selfish arsehole!

Lol, I knew the day before my wedding. I went ahead and did it anyway [slaps self around head several times]

It was a good wedding, though - even though DH was too busy getting physical with a female friend to share the first dance with me! [slap, slap]

WHAT!??? Do elaborate Itsgraceagain. That is absolutely outrageous!

I know!!! More outrageous that I married him Still, it was a valuable learning experience ...!

After half a dozen songs & nobody dancing, I went over to get him. Said friend was sitting astride him with her tits in his face. Me: "Everybody's waiting, come and have the first dance with me." Him: "Fuck off, [Grace], can't you see I'm busy?"

He's the one I've since realised had Asperger's. Presumably, nobody had given him the rules: [1] Do not bury your face in anybody's tits at your own wedding; [2] The groom is expected to take the first dance with the bride.

Sigh

BertieBotts, ashamed to say I had about 7 of those moments!!

one was when he took the bed in the spare room apart with an electric drill and ordered me back to 'his' bed.
another was when he wouldn't even let me choose a saucepan even though I did all the cooking.
he would complain if there wasn't enough food, but he also complained if I spent too much money on food!
he hated everybody and had a nasty name for all of my friends

Itsgraceagain, I think my x has Asperger's too. Not that I think every person with AS is nasty, but those feelings of disconnection and isolation led to my x developing NPD. He never had any support or understanding as a child/teenager, and oh boy, it took it's toll. My son is also on the spectrum, and my son may also be a little different, but I'm as certain as i can be that my son won't hate the world and everybody in it and seek to control those around him.

Yay for you, MMS! Luckily your son has the benefit of knowing his condition and an understanding Mum. He's in for a far better life

I think you are right junglist - when I was in the middle of trying to leave, my mum kept repeating things that he had done to me, trying to get me to see how awful it was, and I would just say "It's okay..." like I was the one reassuring her, but I think that if I'd have seen it at the time for the awful situation it was, I wouldn't have been able to survive at all.

The thing is that when I posted the original query on a message board and got several replies sounding concerned about me, I replied saying "Oh he isn't abusive, he just doesn't see things like I do, anyway I love him and hopefully he will grow up when the baby is born" - which was my thought pattern at the time. The doubts only dripped away slowly, and 13 months later I had my "lightbulb moment" that I had to leave - I was being ill, asked him to come upstairs and get DS out of the reach of the toilet, and he stormed up, didn't even ask whether I was OK, grabbed DS and said "Great. I bet you've given yourself food poisoning, and given it to DS too." (I had a bit of a private snigger I must admit when he came down with the same tummy bug a few days later)

TBH these were both fairly big incidents to me, he wasn't the violent type and more of a paranoid control freak.