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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

how to discuss marriage without it sounding like an ultimatum

37 replies

glasgal · 08/01/2010 21:05

I've been with DP for 4.5 yrs. We have a 2yr old DD and raise my DS (7yrs) together. We are 29 and 31.
When we first met I am sure he said he wanted to get married in the next couple of years but he has recently said that he thinks people only get married to "have a party".
This has really upset me as marriage is important to me. I don't see why he wouldn't want it unless he doesn't really love me. (I have my suspicions that he is only with me because I got pregnant.)
I would be happy being single. I just don't like being in this halfway house of a relationship without commitment.
How do I broach the subject without it sounding like an ultimatum or breaking us up?

OP posts:
sparkybint · 11/01/2010 11:47

Agree with the "you have to discuss this and ask clearly for what you want" camp. Crazy to sit there like some consumptive heroine from a Victorian novel.

Was in exactly the same boat as you, proposed and he accepted. Take control or stay resentful, it's as simple as that. If you get a negative response, then at least you can make an informed decision. It's good that you'd be happy single so that should hold no fear for you. Hope it doesn't come to that though.

skidoodle · 11/01/2010 13:25

"There are lots of opportunties to talk about how you feel without saying outright i want to get married to you hurry up! Discussing a tv/film, discussing a thread on mumsnet you have seen , discussing a friend who has been waiting a long time for her bf to propose. etc"

Oh Christ, please don't do this.

Have the conversation or don't have it.

Don't start dropping heavy hints. He won't get them until they're really obvious and then he'll feel like he's being manipulated (which he would be).

"Or maybe he doesn't want to get married to you. Unlikely, as you live together, you have a child and he is raising a child he is not biologically related to. "

Actually I think this is bollocks. I have known a lot of men what will just go along with things for years without any real sense of commitment to them. That's why I'd never have children with a man unless we were married and I was sure, from talking to him and his behaviour towards me, that he loved me and wanted us to be a family.

It sound like the OP has fears that this guy doesn't want to marry her because he doesn't love her enough. If that's the case she really needs to know and make decisions about the rest of her life accordingly.

A tip: if he says marriage is "just a bit of paper", then he will almost certainly marry the next girl he goes out with after you guys eventually break up.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 11/01/2010 15:10

skidoodle, I think you are right, about what I said being bollocls Thinking about it, men do seem to just drift along, maintaining the status quo, happy for things to stay the same without really thinking about whether they are happy or not.

Maybe not what the OP wants to hear though

marantha · 11/01/2010 18:45

100% of men who love the woman in their life will marry her if that is what SHE really wants. Fact.

glasgal · 11/01/2010 19:47

A friend put an app up on facebook which asks amongst other things "do you want to get married" so I did the quiz and answered "if he'll have me" and put it on my status.
So now I just have to wait and see what he says when he sees that. I have a back up if he reacts badly I'll just say I was joking.

OP posts:
PfftTheMagicDragon · 11/01/2010 20:47

OK.

So you opened up discussion of an important and potentially relationship altering issue via Facebook?

Why not go the whole hog and text him?

Come on! You are a grown woman, a mother! Grow up and talk to him.

SqueezyIsStartinAResolution · 11/01/2010 20:54

I think it's unhealthy to hide how you feel about this and to pretend that you are kidding or joking. Possibly if you continue to hide it, you will get resentful. I don't think this will go away of its own accord.

It's the fear of rejection that's stopping you

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 11/01/2010 21:21

Have you been fannying around like this for a while, OP? If so, you may well have given him the impression that you're not really bothered about getting married, and he may be perfectly content with things the way they are - he has a loving partner, a nice home, beloved children so why would he see the need for anything to change? If it matters to you, you have to talk to him about it. But the rather passive-aggressive way you're carrying on at the moment is not gong to get you anywhere.

skidoodle · 11/01/2010 21:49

"So you opened up discussion of an important and potentially relationship altering issue via Facebook?"

And so in public?

You guys have a child together.

Arrrrrrrrgh.

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 11/01/2010 22:48

I dont often say this, but "are you for real?"

2rebecca · 11/01/2010 23:29

We discussed it and decided to get married. Waiting to be asked to be married seems very "Mr Darcy" and prefeminist to me. Suspect most men living with the woman they fancy are too lazy to propose and in general marriage favours the lower earning partner which is usually the woman.
If it was that important to you I'm amazed you lhad a kid with him and didn't get the issue sorted soon after living together.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 12/01/2010 07:59

I agree, SGB. If this is the way things have been for a while, I'm not surprised he hasn't asked!

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