totally stuck, cant talk without a row!

[nursenight]

Hi, i might just be after some empathy/sympathy! feel like crap today. not getting on with DH at all, we cant even sit in the same room or converse at all without a row, or a sulk, or silence (worst of all in my opinion) we have been having a few probs things building up, you may remember my post re finding DH stash of 'legal high' drugs. we sorted this, he has said he will not do again and as far as i know he hasnt. we have 2 kids, DS is 16 no trouble, DD is 3 and a handful at the mo (in a normal toddler way) i have been feeling quite down for maybe 3 months have started some counselling for myself thru work, DH wont go to relate, he doesnt believe in it. i am trying to get more sleep etc and i know i am irrtiable when tired, DH snores all night so i do occasionally smeak off to sleep in DD room. we dont have a sex life at all. just is all crap. dont worry if you cant advise me, just wanted to write it down.

What do you want to change; do you want to move forward in your lives without him now?. Your eldest in particular is likely all too aware of all the problems between Mum and Dad within his home.

Your H is clearly showing no reason to want to address the problems surrounding your relationship and is probably quite happy to carry on as he is indefinately.

At least you are going to counselling, if he does not want to go then that is his choice.

You have a choice re him ultimately though, your children have no say. You cannot rescue and or save someone who ultimately may not want to be helped.

i dont know what i want. at the moment i cant see what is my 'fault' and what is his. if i try to speak to him he thinks im blaming him for our problems and gets really defensive. i have admitted that i have been feeling low and have started counselling. i think he thinks if i was in a better mood we would be fine. i am in such a muddle, my counsellor advised me how to broach things with him this week but when i tried it he straight off got defensive. i feel so stuck.if i go forward it basically means i have to end our relationship because i cant make him do what i want. thanks for the reply.

Sounds like you are tired and drained at the moment, first I think you need to ask yourself if you still love him? if yes then need to start thinking about how best to repair the relationship. That needs to be done by talking.

However, I would see if either of you can get a break from the other one at the moment or from your 3 yr old so that you can get some rest.

Then time to have a big talk and start the repair process.

Think i am going to say to him that i want us to go to relate, at least once. If he agrees to this maybe we will get somewhere. The other option is trial sep, im not sure. I tend to think these make breaking up inevitable. But the thought of some time alone, well with my dc's, is nice. A break from the bad atmosphere. So possibly ask him to go stay at his brothers for a few days.

Think i am going to say to him that i want us to go to relate, at least once. If he agrees to this maybe we will get somewhere. The other option is trial sep, im not sure. I tend to think these make breaking up inevitable. But the thought of some time alone, well with my dc's, is nice. A break from the bad atmosphere. So possibly ask him to go stay at his brothers for a few days.

I think it is a good idea to suggest Relate. He doesn't have to believe in it to go because you want to give it a try.

Surely it's worth a go before a trial separation? He must agree to that?

If he won't go to relate, will he agree to employ some of tactics used in relate sessions ?? I know some men (and women) are ashamed to sit in front of another person and talk about their problems but it doesn't necessarily mean they don't want to salvage a relationship ...

I'm sure if you posted a thread, you would get suggestions of some of the exercises used. I went years ago but remember being told to write things down for each other to read (in private) so you get chance to get your point across without being interrupted/arguing etc

So - a list of what you love about each other and positive aspects of your rl and then one of things you are unhappy about/would like to change..

If he'snot willing to do this, then I would worry that he's not interested in making things work

Apols for typos - am feeding ds

yangymac makes a good point about fear of confrontation, IMO. I love a good row! It can be just another way of sorting out a problem, however it's no good if one of you ends up cowering in the corner, nor if it always degenerates into a slanging match.

Has your relationship always been quite outspoken, nursenight?

If this is a stress-induced bad patch, your insistence on a Relate session might be enough to wake him up that something needs changing. Wishing you both luck

Thanks all for suggestions. Lots to think about. Im on a phone so hard to type will keep it brief! We dont get any time alone really, it was something i asked for a couple of months ago. Thing is i think he just wants to do nothing, i have tried all the sexy underwear stuff , making him feel special etc. I think we need some help now cos i am worried i am getting to a point of being totally ambivalent towards him, starting to not actually care. Which is wrong. I know he is miserable he nearly left before xmas. He feels i treat him like an idiot which i prob do sometimes. I think maybe i will be able to be braver at relate. And maybe he will be too

Thanks all for suggestions. Lots to think about. Im on a phone so hard to type will keep it brief! We dont get any time alone really, it was something i asked for a couple of months ago. Thing is i think he just wants to do nothing, i have tried all the sexy underwear stuff , making him feel special etc. I think we need some help now cos i am worried i am getting to a point of being totally ambivalent towards him, starting to not actually care. Which is wrong. I know he is miserable he nearly left before xmas. He feels i treat him like an idiot which i prob do sometimes. I think maybe i will be able to be braver at relate. And maybe he will be too

nursenight,

You are ultimately not responsible for your husband.

Your H is clearly showing no reason to want to address the problems surrounding your relationship and is probably quite happy to carry on as he is indefinately.

You've flogged this long enough and you cannot solely do all the donkey work in this relationship if he is not interested.

What has he actually done to try and address his issues, let alone make you feel special?.

Why did not actually leave before Christmas?.

I think he is the one making you all miserable by his actions and you're acting as the fall guy for his myriad of problems.
You're being dragged down even further because of him. I reckon too you would feel less tired and a lot happier if he was not actually in your day to day lives.

Perhaps you will be braver at Relate but he still does not want to go as he does not "believe in it".

The comment about being braver worried me, too. Are you saying you're scared to confront/argue/take the piss out of your husband?

im real sorry this reply has taken me ages i dont have internet access at home except on my phone which is hit and miss. i didnt mean to make anyone worry, im not scared of DH being physically abusive or anything like that, but i must admit i dont like confrontation i had a violent father and ex, which means a heated row can make me feel really bad/shaky. i mean 'braver' because there are certain things that i feel i need to say that i cant for fear of DH getting shouty / moody (esp if drinking) - for example if i say things i think i tend to put them in a wrong way as he seems to take offence / get defensive then i get upset and back down so we dont get anywhere, i may try to write some stuff down and either show him or at least try to word it in a better way. he has gone away for a couple of days mainly due to the weather and needing to be near work but it has given me some space, i did tell him before he left that we need to start having fun together. he seemed to agree. the problems we have, i feel are not totally huge but just lots of little things that have contributed to how things are now. if we had space alone to talk about stuff maybe we could sort them out on our own or maybe relate (i am on waiting list anyway) thanks for replies everyone, it is appreciated.